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Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® TIME TRAVEL PRODUCTS |
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Jonny® Future Clothes |
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When you show up a million years in the future, the last thing you want is to lose cred with your new space-age pals by looking like an idiot wearing Ug boots, "Juicy" sweat pants and a MAGA tee shirt. We've done extensive research watching sci-fi movies and TV shows from the 1960s and 70s, and we've determined that future fashions will fall into three distinct categories: Starfleet miniskirt uniforms, unisex metallic jumpsuits and crudely-made loincloths from when humankind is enslaved by alien overlords or an animal species that has skipped past us in the evolution chain. Just tell our designers what year you're traveling to and they'll put together an ensemble that will make you fit right in! |
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The 2019 Hack Werker Calendar |
$5999 |
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Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
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The Jonny® Time Travel Playset |
$29999 |
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JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Jonny® Lump of Coal |
$7999 |
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Everone has that one guy on their Christmas shopping list who's a total asshole. This year, let him know how you feel about him with this quality piece of anthracite individually chiseled from the Jonny® coal mines in Indonesia. Imagine the look on that dick's face when he rushes into the living room on Christmas morning still in his pajamas and finds nothing but a chunk of black soot in his stocking. And for a nominal* extra fee, we'll include a post-it with a note telling him exactly what you think of him. It will make it worth the twenty-five years you put up with the schnook thinking you were one of his closest friends and one of the only people he could confide in!
* The extra fee is actually far from nominal | | |
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The Jonny® Publicity Team |
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Every week it's the same thing: you go to the grocery store to pick up a few cans of corn beef hash and bottles of plain-wrap vodka and when you're at the check-out stand, you see Jonny's smiling face staring at you from at least a dozen magazine covers. How does he do it? Through the greatest team of crack publicists ever assembled. Now that level of media attention can be yours by paying the equivalent of the gross national product of a mid-sized European nation to our Cayman Islands LLC. Worried that you're not a celebrity? No problem! With our contacts, you'll be famous for being famous in weeks! It may require some sacrifice on your part because most of our clients are so boring that the articles we pich about them are complete fiction, and we get pretty lurid and degrading to get sleazebuckets in the magazine world interested in you. But to an attention whore like you, any publicity is good publicity. Operators are standing by!!! |
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The Jonny® Time Travel Game |
$13999 |
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It worked out great when Jonny went back in time to visit Jonny, the King and the Gaseous Dragon. But what happens when he tries to get to the other Jonny adventures? Jonny isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and playing with quantam physics can be dicey at best, so sometimes the magic works better than others. Will he be able to help young Jonny make the story even better? Or will he screw up and wind up in a time and place he never bargained on? Click on the Jonny story cover images below to find out how Jonny does!
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In years past, I have lobbied for birthday goodies like gifts of alcohol or perhaps a contribution to a pug-related charity. This year, all that I ask is that you do something nice for yourself on December 15th. What it is is up to you. But whatever it is, I hope that you take a second to think "it would make Jonny happy to know I'm doing this right now." Because it would. And that's the best present I could ask for.
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