Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY^® TIME TRAVEL PRODUCTS

The Jonny^® Nosepin

$19⁹⁹

A rookie mistake that most first-time time travelers make is not taking into account that people in the past wreak to high heaven. Whether you're having an audience with Queen Elizabeth or taking part in a bear baiting with some local peasants, personal hygiene was nonexistent before around 1920 and your sensitive sniffer won't be able to handle it. Save yourself from suffering through some of the nastiest B.O. that you've ever experienced with this sturdy wooden clip that shuts off offending odors' access to your nasal passages. And even if your time trip is cancelled, the nosepin will come in handy when your disgusting Uncle Joe or your kids' foul friends from junior high school come to visit!

The Jonny^® Hand Grenade Belt

$10,999⁹⁹

Your average time traveler is at a real disadvantage. Go into the past and they'll want to burn you as a witch. The future's Big Brother dictatorship will have you put to death. Even traveling to a relatively civilized time like the mid-1950s will pit you against a psychotic bully who wants to rape your mom. Put the odds in your favor with this belt equipped with 10 M67 grenades that have an injury radius of 15 metres and a fatality radius of 5 metres. Just let some medieval knight try to attack you with his little broadsword and then watch his cohorts scatter in terror as you blow his body in a million pieces. And to the victor goes the spoils when the hottest wench in the kingdom falls for you after you become the king's top advisor because your "magic" is so badass.

The Jonny^®Atmosphere Suit

$15,999^99*

Earth is likely to look like a charcoal briquette when you visit it in the future due to unchecked climate change. But you'll not only be looking sharp and sexy, but you'll be protected from blistering temperatures and deadly elements pouring into our atmosphere after the total depletion of the ozone layer by wearing this stylish space flight-rated suit from Jonny® Aerospace. It provides stable internal pressure, a ten-hour supply of breathable oxygen and elimination of carbon dioxide, temperature regulation, shielding against ultraviolet radiation and limited shielding against particle radiation. And you're going to need all that stuff if you travel to earth in as little as six months in the future, because we're in real trouble.

The Jonny^® Outcome Generator

$5 million⁹⁹

So it's your plan go back in time and save humanity from itself by killing Hitler or stopping the Kennedy assassination. It's great for mankind as a whole but you can never be sure what's it going to do for you, personally. This high tech computer, developed for Jonny® Industries by the Stark Corporation, will time travel with you and alert you about how whatever you do will affect ol' Numero Uno before you can so much as step on a cricket that results in you being a homeless paraplegic in good ol' 2019. After all, what's the point of righting a colossal wrong that nearly toppled the human race if it doesn't line your pockets? This thing is guaranteed* to pay for itself after your first five trips through time!

* Not a guarantee

Jonny^® Future Clothes

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When you show up a million years in the future, the last thing you want is to lose cred with your new space-age pals by looking like an idiot wearing Ug boots, "Juicy" sweat pants and a MAGA tee shirt. We've done extensive research watching sci-fi movies and TV shows from the 1960s and 70s, and we've determined that future fashions will fall into three distinct categories: Starfleet miniskirt uniforms, unisex metallic jumpsuits and crudely-made loincloths from when humankind is enslaved by alien overlords or an animal species that has skipped past us in the evolution chain. Just tell our designers what year you're traveling to and they'll put together an ensemble that will make you fit right in!

Jonny^® Primate Translator Course

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The overwhelming majority of time travelers visit our era to drag an endangered species that we're in the process of killing off back to their time to avert some disaster that only that particular beast can fix. The problem is that the future people don't know how to talk to these things because they've been killed off for centuries. You can earn huge bucks by taking our one-of a kind class where we lock you into a room with an endangered primate like an orangatan or Sumatran Tiger while one of our trained experts browbeats you into figuring out what it's saying. The class only has a 10% survival rate but just think: if you live through it and get your certificate of completion, you'll be making bank when the time travelers come for your critter and only you can get it to say what it needs to to save earth!

JONNY^® STOCKING STUFFERS

Jonny® Lump of Coal

$79⁹⁹

Everone has that one guy on their Christmas shopping list who's a total asshole. This year, let him know how you feel about him with this quality piece of anthracite individually chiseled from the Jonny® coal mines in Indonesia. Imagine the look on that dick's face when he rushes into the living room on Christmas morning still in his pajamas and finds nothing but a chunk of black soot in his stocking. And for a nominal* extra fee, we'll include a post-it with a note telling him exactly what you think of him. It will make it worth the twenty-five years you put up with the schnook thinking you were one of his closest friends and one of the only people he could confide in!

* The extra fee is actually far from nominal