Once upon a
time (back when everybody thought sending out these stupid cards
was just a moronic phase I was going through), there was a peaceful
little island tucked away in the South Seas called Koffupsumb Isle.
It was a tropical paradise with clear blue waters, white sand, and
coconuts the size of bowling balls that would take out an average
of two islanders unlucky enough to be standing under the ripened
fruit every new moon.
Koffupsumb Isle was inhabited by the Hunglowli tribe, so-called
because of their ancient ritual of strapping all newborn males
schvantzes to a six-foot long board. By the time they were sixteen,
Hunglowli men could star in a series of tribal-produced porno films
that netted the Hunglowlis over ten million bucks a year off their
Internet site alone. They were a happy breed, not only by virtue
of their ponderous wealth and even more ponderous doohickeys, but
because they had found spiritual enlightenment generations before
when an Australian missionary ventured to their shores to give the
good news about the New Testament. The holy man didnt get
very far into his spiel before he was turned into stew by the cannibalistic
Hunglowlis, but one thing he did manage to impart to the tribesmen
before he was covered in bernaise sauce was the story of Christmas.
loved Christmas! Every year when the holiday season rolled around,
the tribal elders would throw a huge festival where the villagers
would decorate the Christmas coconut tree, exchange lavish gifts
like designer loin cloths and diamond studded leis, and take part
in a massive feast of fresh pineapples, papayas, and a fat guy flown
in fresh from New Zealand. But the highlight of every Yuletide was
when the elders would throw a virgin into the nearby Mt. Meenow
volcano to appease the great volcano god Kummoniwannalaya, giving
the tribe good luck and prosperity for all the year.
began preparations for the festival with great excitement, but as
Christmas loomed closer, the tribe realized that an essential element
of the celebration was missing. The Hunglowlis gigantic protuberances
and lax statutory rape laws had depleted Koffupsumb Isles
supply of virgins. Kummoniwannalaya would be denied his sacrifice!
The Hunglowlis despaired, and the tribal elders called a meeting.
Kummoniwannalaya receiving his Christmas sacrifice, said Chief
Lickimee, the tribal leader who won his job by virtue of his epic
peter that Hunglowli children frequently hid under for shade in
the summer months, the Island will suffer a year of plague
and famine. The law book is quite clear on this point, just between
the sections on punishments for using bananas for unnatural purposes
and health specifications for selling explorer meat retail. But
the law book does say that the sacrifice doesnt have to be
a virgin. Just somebody who hasnt gotten any poon in living
memory. Now, where can we find somebody who hasnt gotten laid
in a long, long time?
At about this
time, a young muse named Jonny M. was being fired from his job as
opening act for Don Ho. The noble muse had been hired as a fire
breather, but years of alcohol intake had made his breath so flammable
that one puff on the torch sent out a massive flame that scorched
the singers groin, forcing him to give a rendition of Tiny
Bubbles a full two octaves higher than normal. As he watched his
former boss being rushed to a nearby skin graft clinic, Jonny ruefully
opened a copy of Backstage/South Seas. His eye was immediately drawn
to an ad reading Earn good money while you practice your craft!
Human sacrifice wanted!
looming, and the islanders despaired. No one had come forward to
answer their ad except for a weirdo who saw their post on alt.sexuality.fetish.human
sacrifice. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of bending over to
tie his shoe near one of the many gay monkeys that lived in the
coconut trees, making him useless as a sacrifice but a tasty midday
snack for the Hunglowli youth. But as the tribespeople sadly concluded
that their Christmas ritual would be ruined and their islands
future facing certain total destruction, Jonny M.s kayak appeared
from out of the surf and onto the white beach of Koffupsumb Isle.
smiled Jonny as he stepped out of the kayak and shook the vomit
off his feet that was the residual of his chronic seasickness. I
hear youre casting for some kind of a perverted Christmas
pageant. If youve ever read any of these stupid cards in the
past, youll realize that Im just the guy!
stared in wonderment at Jonny, salivating at the lean meat clinging
to his geeklike frame. They were about to rush him and throw him
into a pot when Chief Lickimee took a close look in the muses
eyes. One look at the tense expression carved into Jonnys
face and his habit of absentmindedly touching his crotch as he talked
made the tribal elder realize that he had found his man. Lickimee
dropkicked a container of meat tenderizer out of the witch doctors
hand and warmly put his arm around the handsome muse. Jonny attempted
to respond to the chieftains gesture, but was blocked by Lickimees
weve got the same writers cranking out this story as usual,
said Jonny contemptuously, but Chief Lickimee seemed to pay no notice.
The chieftain tightened his grasp around the muse and silently led
him to the top of the volatile Mt. Meenow.
The pair walked
for hours to the mouth of the volcano, the villagers following stoically
behind. The noble muse tried incessantly to engage the chief in
conversation, but Lickimee said nothing, listening only for tidbits
about Jonnys sexual history. As Jonny began listing his favorite
pickup lines at parties, the villagers knew that Kummoniwannalaya
would be more delighted with this years sacrifice than any
I bought the inflatable love doll, said Jonny, explaining
to the chief about his latest date, but I felt guilty about
just taking it bed, so I thought Id take it out to dinner
first. My mistake was trying to impress it by lighting the flambé
myself, and the thing went up in flames like a book of matches,
but you know how women are. Hey, what a view!
The muse stared
in wonderment at the spectacular view as the party reached the mountaintop,
but Lickimee and the tribespeople paid no notice, concentrating
instead on a strangely hypnotic chant into the smoky mouth of the
volcano. Jonny rued not bringing his tape recorder, figuring that
if the Gregorian Monks could record a best seller, he could make
a mint off of a CD of these clowns. But just as the muse was about
to suggest his money making scheme to the Hunglowlis, he found himself
being dragged to the fiery entrance by the savages.
what gives? screamed the muse as he felt a flaming ember jump
out of the volcano mouth and into his pants. Listen, Ill
give you full creative control on the album! I only want a 2% cut
and have Sheryl Crow be my date at the MTV Awards!
The noble muses
heart leapt to his throat as he felt himself being thrown into the
flaming abyss of the blazing mountain. Jonny saw his life flash
before his eyes as he descended mile after mile into its fiery bowels,
fast-forwarding past his junior high school years and a disastrous
relationship he had while performing The Alchemist. Just as the
muse was about to relive his triumphant performance as a guy who
divorced his wife to marry a cardboard cutout of Xena, Warrior Princess
on The Jerry Springer Show, he came crashing to the volcanos
rocky floor. He looked up to behold the terrifying visage of the
lord of the mountain, the volcano god Kummoniwannalaya.
Christmas, groaned Jonny, trying to bring this stupid story
back on track. Listen, do you have any Ben Gay? I just fell
two miles onto a rock floor and Im a little sore.
Christmas, replied the island deity with a devilish grin.
I see the villagers have remembered my annual sacrifice of
Im not a virgin, replied Jonny testily. Im
just going through a slow period.
Yeah, right, replied the unimpressed volcano god, trying
to choke back the stench of the muses overpowering High Karate
cologne. Thats what they all say. Now, follow me, its
time for the Christmas feast.
The muse licked
his lips, figuring that a turkey drumstick and some pumpkin pie
would be just the thing to take his mind off his fractured spine.
But when he got to Kummoniwannalayas table, his eyes grew
wide in terror. Resting frozen in giant ice cube trays, wooden sticks
plunged into their frosty skulls, were the icy bodies of all the
sacrifices that had been offered to the island god for generations.
pops, said the island god with a greedy smile. My Christmas
specialty! Once I get you frozen and stick a tongue depressor in
you, Ill finally have enough for a proper feast!
is what youve been collecting these people for, asked
Jonny in horror. To freeze them and eat them? I thought it
was just a hobby, like collecting stamps or marital aids. This is
me your moralizing! thundered back the island god. I
live in a freaking volcano! Its hot as hell in here! The only
thing that cools me off is sucking on a nice frozen virgin pop,
and if the villagers dont want my wrath, they better keep
`em coming! Now get in the ice cube tray; I want you frozen with
a stick in your head by the time the Howard Stern pay-per-view Christmas
special comes on.
all that Christmas is to you? replied the pompous muse. A
time to get the tokens that please you, or youll throw a tantrum
like a spoiled child? At this special time of year we give presents
to one another to show our love and affection. Whether they be given
to signify Christmas or Hanukkah, these are gifts that are chosen
with care to make a statement about how individuals feel about each
other. Your greed has turned this marvelous ritual into nothing
but a way to fuel your vile selfishness on this special day of days.
Shame on you! I say shame!
face turned into a twisted mask of rage. As the island god slowly
approached the muse, Jonny wished he could keep his opinions to
himself once in a while. The deity raised the jagged edge of the
Popsicle stick to the muses pencil neck as the smoke from
the volcanos embers ominously shrouded over them...
stared at Mt. Meenow in despair. Instead of appeasing Kummoniwannalaya,
their sacrifice appeared to anger the island god. They could feel
the volcano begin to rumble, as billows of black fumes came pouring
out of the mouth of the fiery mountain.
that skinny geek was getting a little more than we thought,
lamented Chief Lickimee. I wonder if its too late to
look for a virgin at a Star Trek convention?
was answered before the words finished leaving his mouth as the
volcano erupted into a towering geyser of ash and lava. The Hunglowlis
scrambled to save their village, but were amazed to see the deadly
lava make a trail around their community, as if by divine will.
Lickimee tried to make some sense out of this strange sight when
he was astonished to behold the noble muse Jonny M. making his way
through the jungle path, followed by all the virgin sacrifices and
the great god Kummoniwannalaya! The Hunglowlis brushed their massive
members to the side and fell to the ground at the sight of their
Kummoniwannalaya, said Lickimee, who was having great difficulty
lying on his stomach. How have we displeased you? Were
our tokens insufficient? Why have you displayed your wrath by erupting
the great volcano?
my friend, beamed the island god while helping up his well
hung subject. Arise. Your gifts have pleased me well. But
upon reflection, I realized that I had come to expect these presents
not as a token of your affection, but merely as something you handed
over out of obligation. And a gift without love has no real meaning.
Therefore I have come to you to say that I will grant you fair weather
this year not because of some vulgar trade-off, but as a show of
affection for the loyalty and faith you have shown me over the milleniums.
dont understand, said Lickimee, brushing off his epic
pecker. If youre not displeased with us, why did the
volcano go off?
to thaw out the virgins, of course, said Kummoniwannalaya.
I couldnt very well bring them back to you frozen.
bitch was getting the sticks out of their heads, said Jonny,
holding up a handful of bloody handles. Dont ask them
to do any long division for a while.
a mighty cheer arose from the Hunglowli. Chief Lickimee took center
stage to address his people.
this will be the best Christmas Koffupsumb Isle ever had,
proclaimed the chief. To celebrate, I will have my cook kill
off that fat explorer Ive been saving and we shall have the
best holiday feast ever!
to me something, broke in Jonny M. What is it with you
guys and cannibalism? What is the big appeal about eating people?
for protein, of course, replied Lickimee patronizingly. With
physiques like ours, the Hunglowlis need meat to promote muscle
density and plenty of it!
about all the pigs and cows and chickens I see running all over
the place? responded the muse.
eat those things? replied the chief in astonishment. I
always assumed they could only be counted on to make fertilizer
and provide ear-splitting screams with their noisy lovemaking. This
is great! Somebody break out the Hibachi. This will be a feast to
end all feasts!
So all was happiness on Koffupsumb Isle. The Hunglowlis gave up
cannibalism and subsisted on regular deliveries from Hickory Farms.
Kummoniwannalaya had air conditioning installed in Mt. Meenow, and
gave the villagers fair weather and asked only loving friendship
and a holiday fruitcake in return. Chief Lickimee was named Sexiest
Man Alive by People Magazine. The virgins had such a good
time deflowering each other that none of them noticed their slurred
speech or diminished mental capacity. And everyone on Koffupsumb
Isle, young and old, had the merriest Christmas ever.
of all was Jonny M. As he looked around at the Hunglowlis celebrating,
he felt a special warmth in knowing that he had been part of making
it happen. So, giving a salute of goodbye to his newfound friends,
he jumped in his kayak and paddled off into the sunset, confidant
that the Hunglowli schlong-stretching board he was given by the
tribe would make his lonely Christmases a thing of the past.
And Happy Holidays
to you, my friend. Whether youre celebrating Christmas or
Hanukkah, or merely observing the holiday season with a bonfire
of these incredibly pornographic and offensive Christmas cards,
know that you always have a faithful and loving friend in Jonny
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