This is the very first appearance of Jonny M. in 1991.
The images were primarily cut out of a National Enquirer article about Elvis and Xeroxed as a booklet.
The images depicted here are the exact same ones from the booklet, just to show you how far these idiotic stories have come.
Once upon a time, there was a great kingdom called Graceland. The people there were all joyous and happy, and the prosperity if the realm was the envy o all the townships for miles around. But the king was a man with a problem. For many years, the kingdom had been a peaceful place, where people could go out for a beer at night and leave their doors unlocked without a care. But then, a dragon moved into the mountain next door.
The people became alarmed that their peaceful idyll had been threatened by this hideous beast. They began driving by the dragon’s cave at night and chucking beer cans at him as he slept. This naturally pissed him off, so he began buzzing the castle in the early morning and laying nasty-smelling farts near the throne room. The peaceful idyll had been shattered.
The king was a man with a problem.
But the king was a good king (despite a weight problem and a drug dependency) and knew how to meet a problem head on, so he posted a proclamation in the town square summoning all the knights from throughout the kingdom to vanquish the dragon. Whoever returned victorious would receive the hand of the king young daughter Wisteria and a copy of the king’s Greatest Hits from Las Vegas Live album.
The strongest and bravest knights from throughout the land answered the call. All of them, dressed in the finest armor and brandishing the sharpest swords, ventured to the mountain to do battle with the fierce dragon. All returned beaten, their armor reeking of smelly farts.
Then one Christmas Eve, a bus and truck company of A Christmas Carol came to the kingdom. A young muse named Jonny M. (who was doubling as Bob Cratchit and a waiter at Fezziwig’s party) noticed the aging proclamation next to a poster for a female mud wrestling place as he looked for somewhere to throw up following a cast party. The next day, he went to see the king to find out if the offer was still valid.
Christmas day in Graceland was a happy but hectic time, with no time for unexpected callers. But when the king heard that a new knight had appeared to challenge the dragon, he rushed to meet his champion.
“Whoever vanquishes the dragon, smiled the king, putting his arm around Jonny, “shall receive the hand of Princess Wisteria, the CD of Greatest Hits from Las Vegas Live, and the everlasting thanks of all of the people of Graceland!”
The crowd cheered as Wisteria (who was more than a little tense at waiting for a man to finally kill the damned dragon and take her) checked out Jonny longingly.
That was more than enough for Jonny. He agreed to take care of the dragon.
The king offered Jonny anything that the young hero needed.
There was much rejoicing in the kingdom. After these many years a new knight had come forward. And on Christmas day, no less! The king smiled benevolently on Jonny and offered anything that the young hero needed. The finest armor, the sharpest sword, the swiftest steed were all at Jonny’s disposal.
“Nothing,” smiled Jonny. “Just point me towards the nearest convenience store.”
The crowd gasped at the foolhardiness of the young muse. To kill a dragon that size, one needed a thermonuclear device at least! But Jonny just kept smiling like an idiot and made his way into the Seven-Eleven. The crowd held its collective breath as he emerged from the store five minutes later with a brown paper sack and headed towards the dragon’s mountain and certain death., they feared. The producers of A Christmas Carol put a casting notice in Drama-Logue for a new Bob Cratchit/Waiter at Fezziwig’s party. Nudity required.
Jonny hiked along the rugged mountain trail for hours looking for the dragon. Just as he was about to give up, he was blown to his knees from the force of one whopper of a fart from behind him. He turned around to see the dragon standing before him!
(Now, I feel that it’s important at this point to make clear that when I say “dragon,” I am not referring to your average garden-variety flying lizard hear. This was the biggest, baddest, meanest moe-foe of a dragon that you ever laid eyes on. And he’d just laid one whopper of a fart!)
The two stood regarding each other for quite a while. Finally, the dragon spoke.
“So, said the hideous beast with an evil grin. “I suppose you’ve seen the king’s proclamation, and now you’ve come to take care of me.”
“That’s right,” replied Jonny confidently.
“Very well,” yawned the dragon, licking his scaly green lips. “Take out your little sword and have at me so that I can tear you to ribbons.”
Slowly, Jonny reached into his brown paper sack. The dragon coiled to counter. But when the great beast saw what was in the young knight’s hand, he broke into a huge grin.
The great beast broke into a huge grin.
“Merry Christmas,” said Jonny, offering a beer. “Have a Budweiser!”
Many hours had passed. The township despaired, certain that Jonny was now a pile of dried bones reeking of smelly farts. They stared at the snow-peaked mountain anxiously for a glimpse of their hero. After what seemed like an eternity a young dung piler with very sharp eyesight saw something flying towards the kingdom with abandon. Hundreds of eyes squinted to make out what the dot in the winter sky was. As it came closer, every heart in the crowd sank with terror. It was the dragon, soaring down to attack them.
The crowd sprang into action. Archers grabbed their bows and arrows and prepared to shoot the beast. Soldiers lined the castle to protect its walls. A woman perched with a can of Lysol to ward off smelly farts. Battle was at hand.
Battle was at hand.
But as the dragon flew over the courtyard, it became apparent that something unusual was happening. Straddling the dragon’s neck, happily pouring beer down its throat, was young Jonny M!
The citizens broke tanks and ran into the courtyard as the huge beast peacefully landed. For a moment there was silence, as the fierce dragon and the people of Graceland stared coldly at each other. Finally, the silence was broken when the king made his way through the crowd. When he came face to face with the dragon, his voice rang loud with anger.
“What do you mean by terrorizing my people?” demanded the king. “By buzzing the castle and laying nasty-smelling farts near the throne room? How dare you come here on our most special of days after making us live in fear these many years?”
“Let me answer that,” slurred Jonny M. as he jumped uncertainly off of the dragon’s neck. “You see, Sal here – yes, his name is Sal – came here in peace, But you, silly people, never gave him a chance. Before he could throw his first Tupperware part you started driving by his cave at night in your pickup trucks and chucking empty beer cans at him. This naturally pissed him off, so he started laying noxious farts in retaliation (a tactic I’ve used once or twice myself). If you’d ever bothered to go to know him, you’d find him to be a friendly dragon who loves beer as much as any of you! But no, you never even gave him a chance! And when he comes to your courtyard in peace, you curse him. On Christmas day, you curse him!”
Not to mention Hanukkah,” piped in Sal the dragon, wiping away a tear.
With that, Jonny passed out in a mud puddle. The crowd stood dazed, staring at the dragon in guilty silence. Finally, the king cleared his throat and addressed his subjects.
“People, he began,” putting his arm around the dragon (the king was, you’ve probably guessed by now, a man who liked a lot of physical contact with the person he was standing next to), “we have made a new friend today!” Sal, if I may call him that, was never given a chance by us; and we grew to hate him as a result. I command that we amend for our mistake by accepting Sal for what he is, and taking him into our hearts forever. So let it be written. So let it be done!”
And the people of Graceland saw Sal beam with joy as they cheered their new friend, and joyously handed him a Bud.
So all was happiness in Graceland. Jonny M. was given the hand of the fair Wisteria (after he agreed to give up drinking and dry out at the Betty Ford Center). The king made a triumphant comeback at Bob Stupak’s Vegas World after finally losing weight and conquering his drug problem. As Sal was given the CD of Greatest Hits from Las Vegas Live and became a friend to one and all. And everyone in Graceland, both large and small, had the merriest Christmas ever.
And so should you, whether you be celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah, or just throwing a Black mass with the skull of a virgin; I hope that you have the happiest holiday time you’ve ever known. But whatever you’re doing, and whoever you’re spending the holiday with, remember that you always have a friend in Jonny M.
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