l Jonny Christmas Advertising

         



        STORY		         ADVERTISEMENTS
  YEAR IN REVIEW      

Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® BEACH PRODUCTS

Jonny® Sunscreen

$3999

"The Albino's Choice!" It's always the same. You start your day at the beach looking like Snow White and you end it being air-lifted to the nearest hospital burn ward for skin grafts. Those days are over with Jonny® sunscreen! It's not that our lotion is any more powerful or effective than the name brand stuff. But we sell you so much of it that you can slather it on your pasty-white skin until someone could set off a Hydrogen bomb next to you and you wouldn't get burned. How can we sell it in such volume? Let's just say that when our troops vacated Afghanistan, they left behind warehouses full of the stuff. And it's got a surprisingly short shelf life, so we have to pass the savings onto you! But we do suggest that you take the expiration date on the bucket seriously because if you apply it to your skin even one day after it goes bad, you'll feel like somebody set off a Hydrogen bomb next to you!

Jonny® Buttcrack Cleaner*

$6999

Everyone knows that the worst part of going to the beach is that sand gets everywhere: in your shoes, in your hair, in the interior of your car. That's bad enough, but the most frustrating thing is all the sand that works its way up the crack of your ass that's impossible to get out. At least it was, because the scientists at Jonny® Labs have developed a complex saline solution that you shoot directly into your bung hole, dislodging foulness that's been caked to its walls for years. Not only sand, but gerbil hair, acrylic fingernails, forgotten Ben Wa balls and any other manner of filth that's been stuck up your large intestine since your high school grad night will be flushed free, putting a spring in your step that you haven't felt in decades.
 
* May cause rectal cancer.

Jonny® Rash Guard

$24999*

You love going to the beach because that's where the tanned, toned hotties are, but they take one look at your bloated 72-inch waist and Camay-like complexion and head in the opposite direction. What could a loser like you possibly have in common with these sand goddesses? Jonny!!! This quality rash guard not only protects you from dangerous U.V. rays but it bears the famous logo of their hero and fantasy lover! She'll take one look at you sporting this protective tee with the handsome visage of her dream man and she'll be making out with you in the back seat of your 1979 Hyundai hatchback before you can say "surf's up!" And the best part is that it only comes in men's XXXL so you won't have to worry about any musclebound beach boys cramping your style!

Jonny® Surfboard

3,99999

From the beginner to the world class champion, every surfer knows that there's nothing worse than wiping out and then adding insult to injury by being whacked in the head with your own longboard. Now you can turn hardship into ecstasy with this 8'8" beauty that not only features Jonny's supportive visage, but an exact 3D replica of his legendary misshapen genitalia. That means that you can be hanging ten, hit a rough patch of wave and get knocked off, and you stand an excellent chance of getting a mouthful of Jonny's manhood as your reward! So let those other hot dogs ride their sweet waves all the way onto the shore. You'll be the envy of the beach as an ambulance screeches up to rush you to the hospital for emergency brain surgery on your crushed skull because you're the one who just deep-throated America's sex god!

Jonny® Beach Volleyball Uniforms

Call for price

What do you need to turn your beach volleyball team from a group of ragtag amateurs to seasoned professionals? Uniforms! Jonny Sporting Goods® offers the highest quality outfits for both men's and women's teams. Men's uniforms consist of loose-fitting tank tops and baggy shorts that allow your athletes to move comfortably and play their best. Women's uniforms are micro bikinis that cover the bear minimum required by law that will send your season ticket sales skyrocketing as your fans ogle your little gals' rock-hard buns and chiseled stomachs. And both types feature the world famous Jonny® logo to send the message that you're the best of the best (although the logos on the women's unis are harder to locate because there isn't a lot of material to attach them to). Be warned that even though the women's kit consists of 10% of the fabric of the men's, they're three times as expensive because of the "pink tax." But you'll be making so much profit from your players appearing in swimsuit calendars and beer commercials that it will be worth it!

Jonny® Liposuction

Call for price
You're aching to put on a Speedo and strut your stuff at the beach but with the extra pounds you've put on during the pandemic, you don't dare. That's no problem with a quick trip to our Cayman Islands clinic where we'll suck the excess fat out of your gut and butt before you can say "Super Size It." After a few agonizingly painful six-hour sessions, you'll not only be easy on the eye to the opposite sex but we'll use that discarded blubber as heating fuel in third world countries whose citizens don't have a lot of options in that area. And in the unlikely event that you survive the procedure, our skilled technicians will chisel 6-pack abs into the remaining flab so that you'll get all the remaining benefits of going to the gym without even working up a sweat! You'll be so pleased with the results that when you inevitably put back on the weight in three months time, you'll be back for a redo!

The 2022 Hack Werker Calendar

$5999


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
  • 01
  • 02
  • 03
  • 04
  • 05
  • 06
  • 07
  • 08
  • 09
  • 10
  • jquery slider
  • 12
angular carousel by WOWSlider.com v8.2

Snow Mercy Paper Doll Kit

$3999

 

In a recent global poll of girls aged 5-16, the most admired woman in the world was determined to be Jonny's pal Snow Mercy. To bring the world famous dominatrix and humanitarian's message of universal kindness, philanthropy, and butt whoopin's for disobedient minions to a younger crowd, we've rolled out this charming paper doll set that allows your little sweetheart to play out the Snow Mercy lifestyle! Who knows? Maybe in 20 years, your angel will grow up into a powerful, educated and go-getting woman who has no problem with beating a troublemaking backside into a fine pulp herself!!!


 
Click on the image to see a larger version
 
 

JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS

 

Jonny® Cigarettes

$1599 PER PACK

The tobacco industry has done its best to bring the youth market crawling back with vaping, but it hasn't been enough. So it's Jonny to the rescue with a new brand of smokes marketed to make smoking sexy to young people again. Since our means of advertising are limited, we've contracted the hottest 1000 women on Instagram to post photographs of themselves in their most seductive poses with a Jonny cigarette® nestled between their moist and steamy lips. The messages to teens is obvious. Girls, if you want to be considered beautiful (and therefore have any worth in society), you need to have one of these fun sticks in your face at all times. And boys, if you want to hook up with a hot girl (and therefore have any worth in society), you'll need to start smoking because they all think it's the coolest thing you can do! Sure they taste awful and stink up everything around them and represent one of the worst health risks known to humankind but by the time you figure that out, you'll be addicted! How can we be so honest in this blurb and know you'll still buy the retched things? Because we know that you're only looking at the picture of the hot chick!!!

Your Pillow®

$17999

Do you wake up with neck pain? Back pain? A renewed sense of loathing for the world because you can't enjoy a decent night's sleep? If your answer is "yes" to any of these questions, you're probably spending the night with your head on a Your Pillow! Jonny heard that for some reason if you manufacture a crappy, uncomfortable, overpriced pillow, you get to spout any insane political ideas that comes out of your ass and ultra right-wing media outlets will not only take them seriously but give you valuable air time to inflict them on the world. So he had the scientists at Jonny Labs® come up with this brutally uncomfortable cushion which is actually nothing more than a rock from the Jonny Quarries® in South Africa, and it's already paid itself off in appearances on The Sean Hannity Show alone. But there's good news for you, too: as bad as Your Pillow is, independent analysts have found that it's still more comfortable than a My Pillow!

Boris® Poop

$2,99999*

She's the cherished love of your life; your eternal soul mate compared to whom nothing else matters. What better way to say "Merry Christmas" to your heart of hearts than a fecal brick shat out of the corn hole of America's favorite pug? Every loaf of solid waste is guaranteed to weigh at least 10 oz. and is numbered to assure its validity. Each brick comes with a letter of authenticity certifying that it's Boris' personal poop and is mounted in a magnificent glass case that allows your treasure to be displayed from any angle. It doesn't matter what goofball shit you've been up to this year, this shit will so thrill your beloved kindred spirit that she'll let you start 2022 with a clean slate!

Jonny® Space Program

Call for price

Jonny joins fellow billionaires Jeff Bezos, Kenneth Branson and Elon Musk in showing the world how big his cock is by going into space in a penis-shaped rocket ship! And rather than dancing around the real point by sending the actor who played T.J. Hooker into space for publicity, the Jonny Space Program is on the nose by getting legendary porn star Ron Jeremy a temporary prison furlough to take a trip in the outer atmosphere. The dude with the hugest dong in the history of adult entertainment joins the biggest swinging dick in aerospace! And only the passengers with the most massive cocks can afford to ride with us, so you'll be proving to your friends, business rivals, disappointed mother, pushy father who never thought you'd amount to anything, pain-in-the-ass ex-wife and that little bitch cheerleader who turned down your invitation to the prom just how wrong they were about you just by buying a ticket!

The Hack Werker Game

$15999*

 
Legendary pulp fiction novelist Hack Werker has been MURDERED and detectives Jonny and Boris need your help to track down the killer! You'll travel the mean streets of Werker's novels and gather evidence (note that at no time do we use the word "clue") to determine the scene of the crime, the murder weapon, and WHO bumped him off! It's a completely original game that's nothing like that old warhorse with Colonel Ketchup and Professor Prune (no matter what any cease and desist letters from Milton Bradley might claim) and you'll need to click on the cards below to get your proof (still didn't use "clue") together!
 

THE SUSPECTS


THE WEAPONS


SCENES OF THE CRIME

        STORY		         ADVERTISEMENTS
  YEAR IN REVIEW      

California Libtard is a character based on Hack's friend Lisa Glass, a notorious bleeding heart liberal from The Golden State. Hack outed her notorious clandestine affair with an illiterate, Trumpian redneck in his bestseller Red State Stud and she has sworn that she'll get revenge.

Return to game.

The Contiguous Man is a character who Hack claims is a composite of all the boorish loudmouths that he has ever encountered even though it appears to be based specifically on David Pinion, a transient who loiters at the diner Hack eats breakfast at every morning. Pinion attempted to sue but since Hack's three novels featuring the character were just the diner's legal complaints filed against Pinion in the hopes of getting a restraining order with a lot of graphic sex scenes added in, the case was thrown out of court. Pinion has sworn revenge against Hack.

Return to game.

Junior Ranger are a phenomenally successful series of books Hack writes for young boys based on his cover artist Jonny M.'s brother Joe, an accomplished outdoorsman and bona fied Junior Ranger. When the concept was presented to Joe as a wholesome examination of the love of nature and outdoor survival methods, he enthusiastically signed off of it. But when the books were crammed with Hack's signature gruesome violence and graphically detailed depictions of disturbing and perverse sex acts, he swore revenge.

Return to game.

Dangerous Gama is a stereotypical femme fatale that Hack has featured in six increasingly terrible novels modeled on his friend, world-famous dominatrix Snow Mercy. Ms. Mercy reacted to the first couple of books without complaint but when a pulp fiction novelist named Hank Workman, conspicuously based on Hack himself, started showing up without explanation in the narrative just to have sex with the character, she swore revenge.

Return to game.

The Lesbians are recurring characters who appear in most of Hack's books, loosely based on his friends Lacie and Robin. But while the real-life twosome are a sweet married couple who have been in a committed relationship for 25 years, Hack depicts them in his novels as sex-crazed nymphomaniacs who pair up with each other only because no one else shares their insatiable sexual appetite and they are happiest in a three-way where they can focus on a man. The real-life Labin (as the couple is known in the media) tolerated their exploitation at first, but they have since sworn revenge.

Return to game.

The Mob is the featured villain in 90% of Hack's novel, and the only one that Hack writes of with knowledge or authority since his debilitating gambling addiction and obsession with perverse and unnatural sex acts with prostitutes have resulted in his owing hundreds of thousands of dollars to organized crime figures which he can never hope to pay back. All of the most menacing figures in the Mafia have sworn revenge against him.

Return to game.

Professor Morlock is a deranged discredited scientist who Hack encountered during one of his many stays in a mental institution. Hack's books about Morlock's horrific experiments on human beings were disturbingly accurate and proved so popular that they served as a basis for a series of grade-Z horror films (which Hack didn't see a dime in profit on), which resulted in the professor having a constant spotlight focused on him so that it became nearly impossible to carry out his insane operations. He has sworn to extract a horrible revenge.

Return to game.

Sister Rosie was a character introduced in Hack's novel The Spanking Nun, a memory piece about he six months Hack spent at a Romanian Catholic boarding school when he was 12. The title character is based on an actual nun at the school named Sister Brândusa, who took her students over her knee and brutalized them at the slightest provocation. The real-life Sister Brândusa weighed over 250 lbs. and had a hairy mole covering half her face, so Hack based the fictional version on his super-hot friend Rosanna De Candia and made the character a degenerate who is addicted to anal sex. She has sworn revenge.

Return to game.

An ultra-fringe sect of the QAnon cult is convinced that Hack is personally responsible for germinating the Covid-19 virus because once a year, he takes a surreptitious trip to China to have sex with panda bears. The faction is convinced that if they can capture Hack and dissect him that they can weaponize the virus in order to put Donald Trump back in power. Hack has been able to outmaneuver the group's attempts to capture him because they are among the few collection of people dumber than he is, but their cockeyed theories have made their way into a few of his books.

Return to game.

Hack was once violently attacked by someone with a dildo (to this day, he refuses to divulge if it was a man or a woman) and spent two months in a hospital recovering. As a result, many of his books feature an artificial penis as a murder weapon and police have reported that some of his readers have attempted copycat homicides as a result. Fortunately, since the dildo is actually just a cheap hunk of plastic, no one is ever injured during these assaults even though in the books, a dildo attack is inevitably fatal.

Return to game.

Hack has been over a hundred times and was pronounced dead of his wounds on at least two occasions so it's not surprising that the classic firearm is the murder weapon of choice in most of his novels It's usually fired by a mob assassin or impossibly beautiful cuckquean* who the hero dumps for an even more impossibly beautiful femme fatale. Hack's own near-fatal gun attacks were both instigated by two separate bearded ladies at Bible Belt carnivals twenty years apart but he has chosen not to include either incident in any of his books because they bring up painful memories.
*The wife of an adulterous husband. Bet you didn't know that.

Return to game.

Hack has been obsessed with he dangers of marijuana since the publication of his first novel Reefer Girl. It's clear at a glance that he doesn't comprehend that there's a difference between pot and crack cocaine, and he simply files all drugs under the name "reefer" and thinks that just one puff will turn someone into a sex-crazed, homicidal maniac who meets a grizzly end trying to fly off a skyscraper roof. Hack's "reefer novels" have all been dismissed as nonsense by The World Health Organization although they have won him numerous humanitarian awards from various local Republican booster clubs.

Return to game.

Hack is so terrified of being poisoned that he engages a local homeless man to be his food taster. The taster has been at the job for over two decades and has never experienced even a trace of poison but he enjoys the food and Hack refuses to take a bite until he sees someone else eat some first, so it works out for everybody. In his books though, characters drop like flies from eating envenomed food, which Hack somehow regards as proof that his life is in danger.

Return to game.

Hack's friend Jesse Merlin is a huge fan of the albums of Yoko Ono but when the accomplished opera singer and star of Re-Animator: The Musical and U.S.S. Pinafore finally persuaded him to listen to Ono's record Fly, the music was so atrocious that he passed out and regained consciousness three months later in an asylum for the criminally insane. Since then, Hack has been on a mission to warn the world of the danger of Oko's devil tunes, and has included subplots about their homicidal potential in many of his books.

Return to game.

Bad Girl Alley is the scene of the most heinous and degrading action in Hack's novels and believe me that if it sounds like a bold statement, it's well-earned. Everything from reefer (which Hack refers to as anything ranging from prescription-strength Tylenol to heroin) to the most degrading sex acts known to man (and even a few that aren't) can be purchased on the dimly-lit path off of Hack's Main Street. But beware: the cost is usually your soul!

Return to game.

Bars are one of the few locations Hack writes about with authority since he is a committed alcoholic who spends most of his off-hours at seedy gin joints. But in the fictional world of Hack's novels, these watering holes are populated by exotic characters of intrigue and gorgeous women so desperate for protection that they'll willingly offer their perfect bodies as currency to pay their defenders. In life however, these dives are filled with angry drunks who want to punch the nose of loudmouths who brag about being a famous pulp fiction writer to try and seduce the one sad woman there into coming back to the van he lives in.

Return to game.

Hack despises book stores because almost none of them sell his books, which are purchased primarily at pornographic novelty shoppes located in Bible Belt states. He became so angry at the Borders chain that he wrote this novel about a series of murders at their locations to try and drive them out of business and when that essentially happened, he took full credit for it even though it was really because they could keep up with Amazon.com (which also refuses to carry his books). In spite of this, Murder at the Book Store sold reasonably well, especially in pornographic novelty shoppes located in Bible Belt states.

Return to game.

Hack found the only solace from the daily beatings his abusive father doled out in a nearby brothel where he would barter for the services of the prostitutes by acting as a general fix-it boy and later by shattering the kneecaps of johns who were slow to pay their bills. He used this experience (as well as the thousands of later experiences) in his novels, where such dens of iniquity were depicted as dehumanizing cathouses where even the most degrading perversions were provided by victims of human sex trafficking. He takes unusual care in writing such scenes, which he refers to as "my Happy Place."

Return to game.

Hack's only real-life experience with private detectives is when one of his six ex-wives had him shadowed for evidence of an affair, which he was usually having with the subsequent ex-wife. But he watches a lot of movies and the majority of his novels begin in the broken-down office of the Jonny & Boris detective agency where a sultry dame with legs that go on for days hires them to solve a mystery. A lot of the books meander into angry 100-plus page rants about his abusive father but that first chapter is usually pretty good and Hack peppers in enough graphic sex scenes to make it worth your while.

Return to game.

Hack once took a girl to a drive-in showing of Gun Fight at the O.K. Corral and found her dead of a bullet wound after the titular shootout. Police determined that she committed suicide rather than make out with Hack but he could never be dissuaded from his theory that a bullet flew out of the movie screen and killed her and he's been trying to recreate it to destroy his many enemies ever since. It's insanity but his publisher John Kane found his notes on the subject and mistakenly published them as a piece of fiction, and it won Hack a Hugo Award for Best Science Fiction Novel. He was furious.

Return to game.

All of Hack's books inevitably have at least one chapter that takes place in a hospital, where one of two things will happen: a gorgeous nymphomanical nurse will have sex with one or more of the main characters, or a deranged doctor will perform gruesome experiments on one or more of the main characters (often both; and sometimes simultaneously).

Return to game.

Hack spends almost every night at a nudie joint where the median weight of the employees is 250 lbs. and one of the pole dancers put him in the hospital for looking at her the wrong way. It's a far cry from the strip clubs featured in his novels where the performers possess Paris runway model-level beauty and whose only desire is to have sex with the hero and often suffer an early demise by taking a bullet meant for him. The stripper who kicked Hack's ass wouldn't even move her car so the ambulance could treat his broken nose.

Return to game.