l Jonny Christmas Advertising


Have a Jonny Christmas with

Jonny® Sunscreen


"The Albino's Choice!" It's always the same. You start your day at the beach looking like Snow White and you end it being air-lifted to the nearest hospital burn ward for skin grafts. Those days are over with Jonny® sunscreen! It's not that our lotion is any more powerful or effective than the name brand stuff. But we sell you so much of it that you can slather it on your pasty-white skin until someone could set off a Hydrogen bomb next to you and you wouldn't get burned. How can we sell it in such volume? Let's just say that when our troops vacated Afghanistan, they left behind warehouses full of the stuff. And it's got a surprisingly short shelf life, so we have to pass the savings onto you! But we do suggest that you take the expiration date on the bucket seriously because if you apply it to your skin even one day after it goes bad, you'll feel like somebody set off a Hydrogen bomb next to you!

Jonny® Buttcrack Cleaner*


Everyone knows that the worst part of going to the beach is that sand gets everywhere: in your shoes, in your hair, in the interior of your car. That's bad enough, but the most frustrating thing is all the sand that works its way up the crack of your ass that's impossible to get out. At least it was, because the scientists at Jonny® Labs have developed a complex saline solution that you shoot directly into your bung hole, dislodging foulness that's been caked to its walls for years. Not only sand, but gerbil hair, acrylic fingernails, forgotten Ben Wa balls and any other manner of filth that's been stuck up your large intestine since your high school grad night will be flushed free, putting a spring in your step that you haven't felt in decades.
* May cause rectal cancer.

Jonny® Rash Guard


You love going to the beach because that's where the tanned, toned hotties are, but they take one look at your bloated 72-inch waist and Camay-like complexion and head in the opposite direction. What could a loser like you possibly have in common with these sand goddesses? Jonny!!! This quality rash guard not only protects you from dangerous U.V. rays but it bears the famous logo of their hero and fantasy lover! She'll take one look at you sporting this protective tee with the handsome visage of her dream man and she'll be making out with you in the back seat of your 1979 Hyundai hatchback before you can say "surf's up!" And the best part is that it only comes in men's XXXL so you won't have to worry about any musclebound beach boys cramping your style!

Jonny® Surfboard


From the beginner to the world class champion, every surfer knows that there's nothing worse than wiping out and then adding insult to injury by being whacked in the head with your own longboard. Now you can turn hardship into ecstasy with this 8'8" beauty that not only features Jonny's supportive visage, but an exact 3D replica of his legendary misshapen genitalia. That means that you can be hanging ten, hit a rough patch of wave and get knocked off, and you stand an excellent chance of getting a mouthful of Jonny's manhood as your reward! So let those other hot dogs ride their sweet waves all the way onto the shore. You'll be the envy of the beach as an ambulance screeches up to rush you to the hospital for emergency brain surgery on your crushed skull because you're the one who just deep-throated America's sex god!

Jonny® Beach Volleyball Uniforms

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What do you need to turn your beach volleyball team from a group of ragtag amateurs to seasoned professionals? Uniforms! Jonny Sporting Goods® offers the highest quality outfits for both men's and women's teams. Men's uniforms consist of loose-fitting tank tops and baggy shorts that allow your athletes to move comfortably and play their best. Women's uniforms are micro bikinis that cover the bear minimum required by law that will send your season ticket sales skyrocketing as your fans ogle your little gals' rock-hard buns and chiseled stomachs. And both types feature the world famous Jonny® logo to send the message that you're the best of the best (although the logos on the women's unis are harder to locate because there isn't a lot of material to attach them to). Be warned that even though the women's kit consists of 10% of the fabric of the men's, they're three times as expensive because of the "pink tax." But you'll be making so much profit from your players appearing in swimsuit calendars and beer commercials that it will be worth it!

Jonny® Liposuction

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You're aching to put on a Speedo and strut your stuff at the beach but with the extra pounds you've put on during the pandemic, you don't dare. That's no problem with a quick trip to our Cayman Islands clinic where we'll suck the excess fat out of your gut and butt before you can say "Super Size It." After a few agonizingly painful six-hour sessions, you'll not only be easy on the eye to the opposite sex but we'll use that discarded blubber as heating fuel in third world countries whose citizens don't have a lot of options in that area. And in the unlikely event that you survive the procedure, our skilled technicians will chisel 6-pack abs into the remaining flab so that you'll get all the remaining benefits of going to the gym without even working up a sweat! You'll be so pleased with the results that when you inevitably put back on the weight in three months time, you'll be back for a redo!

The 2022 Hack Werker Calendar


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!

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Snow Mercy Paper Doll Kit



In a recent global poll of girls aged 5-16, the most admired woman in the world was determined to be Jonny's pal Snow Mercy. To bring the world famous dominatrix and humanitarian's message of universal kindness, philanthropy, and butt whoopin's for disobedient minions to a younger crowd, we've rolled out this charming paper doll set that allows your little sweetheart to play out the Snow Mercy lifestyle! Who knows? Maybe in 20 years, your angel will grow up into a powerful, educated and go-getting woman who has no problem with beating a troublemaking backside into a fine pulp herself!!!

Click on the image to see a larger version



Jonny® Cigarettes

$1599 PER PACK

The tobacco industry has done its best to bring the youth market crawling back with vaping, but it hasn't been enough. So it's Jonny to the rescue with a new brand of smokes marketed to make smoking sexy to young people again. Since our means of advertising are limited, we've contracted the hottest 1000 women on Instagram to post photographs of themselves in their most seductive poses with a Jonny cigarette® nestled between their moist and steamy lips. The messages to teens is obvious. Girls, if you want to be considered beautiful (and therefore have any worth in society), you need to have one of these fun sticks in your face at all times. And boys, if you want to hook up with a hot girl (and therefore have any worth in society), you'll need to start smoking because they all think it's the coolest thing you can do! Sure they taste awful and stink up everything around them and represent one of the worst health risks known to humankind but by the time you figure that out, you'll be addicted! How can we be so honest in this blurb and know you'll still buy the retched things? Because we know that you're only looking at the picture of the hot chick!!!

Your Pillow®


Do you wake up with neck pain? Back pain? A renewed sense of loathing for the world because you can't enjoy a decent night's sleep? If your answer is "yes" to any of these questions, you're probably spending the night with your head on a Your Pillow! Jonny heard that for some reason if you manufacture a crappy, uncomfortable, overpriced pillow, you get to spout any insane political ideas that comes out of your ass and ultra right-wing media outlets will not only take them seriously but give you valuable air time to inflict them on the world. So he had the scientists at Jonny Labs® come up with this brutally uncomfortable cushion which is actually nothing more than a rock from the Jonny Quarries® in South Africa, and it's already paid itself off in appearances on The Sean Hannity Show alone. But there's good news for you, too: as bad as Your Pillow is, independent analysts have found that it's still more comfortable than a My Pillow!

Boris® Poop


She's the cherished love of your life; your eternal soul mate compared to whom nothing else matters. What better way to say "Merry Christmas" to your heart of hearts than a fecal brick shat out of the corn hole of America's favorite pug? Every loaf of solid waste is guaranteed to weigh at least 10 oz. and is numbered to assure its validity. Each brick comes with a letter of authenticity certifying that it's Boris' personal poop and is mounted in a magnificent glass case that allows your treasure to be displayed from any angle. It doesn't matter what goofball shit you've been up to this year, this shit will so thrill your beloved kindred spirit that she'll let you start 2022 with a clean slate!

Jonny® Space Program

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Jonny joins fellow billionaires Jeff Bezos, Kenneth Branson and Elon Musk in showing the world how big his cock is by going into space in a penis-shaped rocket ship! And rather than dancing around the real point by sending the actor who played T.J. Hooker into space for publicity, the Jonny Space Program is on the nose by getting legendary porn star Ron Jeremy a temporary prison furlough to take a trip in the outer atmosphere. The dude with the hugest dong in the history of adult entertainment joins the biggest swinging dick in aerospace! And only the passengers with the most massive cocks can afford to ride with us, so you'll be proving to your friends, business rivals, disappointed mother, pushy father who never thought you'd amount to anything, pain-in-the-ass ex-wife and that little bitch cheerleader who turned down your invitation to the prom just how wrong they were about you just by buying a ticket!

The Hack Werker Game


Legendary pulp fiction novelist Hack Werker has been MURDERED and detectives Jonny and Boris need your help to track down the killer! You'll travel the mean streets of Werker's novels and gather evidence (note that at no time do we use the word "clue") to determine the scene of the crime, the murder weapon, and WHO bumped him off! It's a completely original game that's nothing like that old warhorse with Colonel Ketchup and Professor Prune (no matter what any cease and desist letters from Milton Bradley might claim) and you'll need to click on the cards below to get your proof (still didn't use "clue") together!