Once upon a
time (back before these stupid cards were such a huge franchise
that I could get by with fewer than six entertainment lawyers),
there was a teaming metropolis called Metropolis. It was a thriving,
energized city that was home to the Justice league of America, where
all the would-be super heroes would come to test their mettle and
either be given lucrative comic book contacts by DC or Marvel, or
fall into an alcoholic abyss after having their powers exploited
by TV shows like Jackass or get caught up by the enticements
of the super hero fetish porn industry. There were easily five super
heroes per capita, and all the police force had to do was throw
any one of thousands of super hero logo gobos into the departmental
searchlight and any would-be criminal would have the bejesus beaten
out of him by magic lassoes, power rings, and x-ray vision.
lived there hated the dump. Because all of the super heroes had
struck movie deals for summer blockbusters, they were out of town
filming for the last half of the year in order to have movies in
the theatre by Memorial Day. And with the city averaging 10 super
villains per super hero, the crime in Metropolis was totally out
of control. And since all the super heroes scheduled their biggest
action scenes to shoot on days when people were off the streets
and not at work, the city was at its most vulnerable on Christmas.
in serious trouble!" screamed Mayor Giuliani as he signed legislation
outlawing the sale of gay porn within a hundred yards of any Catholic
school, a move that pundits predicted would cripple the industry.
"I looked at the shooting schedules of all the super heroes
on Christmas Day, and its not pretty. Spider-Man is shooting
a sequel in Tunisia, Superman is doing retakes in Paris, Batman
is doing looping in Canada, and Wonder Woman is shooting a Leggs
commercial in LA. If one of the super villain elite comes up with
a plot on Christmas, were hosed!"
we do, chief?" asked one of Giulianis legion of yes men.
"Cancel Christmas? The last time we tried to do that, the Daily
Planet crucified us. And the wounds on my hands and feet still havent
responded Giuliani as he denied the appeal of a prisoner on Death
Row who had been convicted on six counts of trying to get money
from tourists for squeegeeing their windshields without their consent.
"The problem is that all of our super heroes are so bulked
up and attractive that theyre snapped up by the movies before
we can get a handle on the super villain problem. What we want is
a super hero whos so repellant that no movie studio would
be interested in him. But once we get him under contract, hes
going to be facing every criminal with a flamboyant fashion sense
within the walls of the city. The odds against him will be insurmountable.
Who could we possibly get who would be so stupid that they would
take that job?"
"We are in serious trouble," said the
At about this
time, a young muse named Jonny M. was being fired from his job as
an extra on The Anna Nicole Smith Show. The producers were
taken with the noble muses seemingly endless supply of dead
baby jokes, but they had concluded that his bizarre behavior was
starting to make Anna Nicole Smith look normal by comparison. Sadly,
Jonny opened the want ad section of Backstage West, and his eye
was caught by an ad reading "Earn good money while you practice
your craft. Super hero wanted in Metropolis. Nudity and simulated
anal sex required."
The muse high-tailed
it to Metropolis for an audition, but when he got to City Hall the
line of applicants was so long that Jonny despaired. Getting in
the queue behind a bodybuilder in spandex who said that his super
power was talking meter maids out of giving him parking tickets,
the muse got out a bottle of Wild Turkey in anticipation for the
patronizing verbal abuse that he always got at these auditions.
By the time he finally reached the head of the line, Jonny had polished
off four bottles of whiskey and some perfume that he had licked
off of an Amazon warrior from the planet Sav-on. As he entered the
mayors office for the interview, he was so smashed that all
he wanted to do was vomit enough to be a featured article in the
"Only in Metropolis" column of the Daily Planet and be
violently dragged to the drunk tank.
Jonny waited in line to be interviewed.
The mayor was
depressed as Jonny staggered in. The only hero who had seemed even
remotely qualified already had a development deal with UPN. When
Giuliani looked up to behold Jonnys geeklike frame come floundering
through the door, he just wanted to reel off the necessary questions
to get Jonny out of the office and into the hall with the trapdoor
where all the other homeless people were sent.
super power?" asked the mayor by rote, not even bothering to
lift his pencil to his notepad.
But the muse
hadnt heard the question. He had reached the state in his
drunkenness where he was filled with devotion for his fellow man,
just before the stage where invisible scorpions started crawling
all over him and telling him to take a swing at the guy in the uniform
with the badge standing next to him. Jonny stared benevolently at
the mayor for a moment, then cradled Giulianis face in his
hands and slurred the only words he could summon:
Things did not seem promising when Jonny staggered
The force of
Jonnys breath knocked the mayor out of the window and down
a hundred and seven stories into a reflection pool conveniently
placed in the courtyard before. The last thing Jonny remembered
was a battalion of policemen pouncing on him with batons before
he finally passed out in an alcoholic stupor.
Jonny was unsure
what the date was when he finally woke up, but his surroundings
made him think that he had died and gone to heaven. Instead of the
drunk tank or hospital for the criminally insane that he had expected
to wake up in, he found himself lying in a plush feather bed in
a luxury hotel suite. When he looked around, he was astonished even
further; for sitting at the foot of his bed, patiently waiting for
him to awake, was the smiling visage of Mayor Giuliani.
you like some waffles?" asked the mayor, his voice sounding
like a kettledrum in Jonnys hung over cranium.
thanks," replied the muse, cognizant of the mayors head
being heavily bandaged from his fall out the window. "So what
happens now? You tell me about all the pressures that power entails
and that a man in politics has needs the public doesnt understand?
Go ahead and do what you have to; just be careful of my hemorrhoid."
replied the mayor, deciding not to tell the muse about the little
role-playing game he played while Jonny slept. "The demonstration
of super powers you gave in my office made it obvious that no villain
could stand up to you."
asked Jonny, his attention diverted by the realization that the
mesh thong with the mayors crest he was now wearing was not
the underwear he had on at the interview.
replied the mayor. "It knocked me out the window, and ever
since September 11 I wear a miniature gas mask. An unsuspecting
super villain could never stand a chance against you, Iloveyou Man."
his eyebrows suspiciously, expecting the mayor to finally jump into
bed and invade his anal cavity with a summer sausage.
what youre thinking," said the mayor, trying to ignore
the hallucination of Ed Harris telling him to do experiments for
the government brought on by his head injury. "Were not
going to ask you to change your super hero name into something jazzier
like Dr. Death or Chemotherapy Man. With a stupid name like Iloveyou
Man, the movie studios wouldnt want you for an action flick
if you David Geffens rent boy."
to protest, but Giuliani silenced him by shoving a huge wad of bills
into his hands.
some seed money for your costume," said the mayor. "I
suggest you talk to the costume designers at the WWF. Now if youll
excuse me, I need to talk to the lighting guys at Angstrom about
putting your logo on a gobo for our searchlight. Ciao."
Jonny was confused
until he noticed that Giulianis goons had gone through the
muses meager luggage and found his old "I
NY" tee-shirt Jonny had purchased just before being mugged
outside the Disney Store in Times Square. Infuriated by the attack,
Jonny scratched out the "I" and "NY," leaving
only the heart to save on expensive x-raying fees if confused emergency
room surgeons ever needed to know where his internal organs were
located. Suddenly excited by his new gig, the muse threw on the
tee-shirt, wrapped a hotel towel around his shoulders to use as
a cape, and added the Halloween mask he had worn at an anonymous
BDSM function he had recently attended. The noble muse beheld himself
in the mirror, and was pleased by the result: Iloveyou Man was on
Jonny became Iloveyou Man
The muse found
that he enjoyed the work. As with all comic book-centered cities,
crime only occurred in Metropolis in the middle of the night, leaving
Jonny free to take part in his favorite daytime activities of binge
drinking and falling asleep in a pool of his own vomit. After waking,
the noble muse would get into costume, clock in, and wait for his
logo to appear against the clouds that inhabited the Metropolis
night sky. At about 11:30 he would get the call, high-tail it to
Metropolis crime district (5th Street and Martin Luther King
Blvd.), and breathe on the likes of Lex Luthor or Mr. Freeze until
the paddy wagon showed up. They would always make bail by sun-up,
and the cycle would repeat itself.
Jonny talked about the job with The Tick at the neighborhood
is a great gig," said Jonny when he got together with The Tick
to console the latter over the cancellation of his god-awful TV
series on Fox. "I had no idea that my horrendous breath was
such a valuable commodity. And to think that all these years I tried
to mask it with thing like Listerine or kamikazes."
get cocky," replied The Tick as he scoured the want ads. "Remember
that were in the off-season for super villainy. Things dont
really heat up until Christmas Day."
asked an astounded Jonny, grateful to be reminded that the Christmas
connection of these stupid cards was where his bread and butter
was. "These super fiends attempt to besmirch our most sacred
of days with their lawless ways? Dont they realize that Christmas
is a time of sharing, a time of putting aside our differences and
living together in harmony as part of the human family?"
shoot your wad," cautioned The Tick. "Youve got
to save that speech for the climax when it seems like Christmas
isnt going to happen."
apologized Jonny. "Ive been drinking even more than usual
in order to keep my breath extra foul. Ill keep my eyes open
for any yuletide wrongdoing!"
always a nervous time in Metropolis, with the populace aware that
a new super plot could be hatched at any second. Jonny was on high
alert, but as cautious as he was, he couldnt help but feel
his spirits lifted by the lights and the music and the overall good
feelings that come over us at this very special time of year. Also,
since it was part of his job description to have breath that smelled
like an elephants cornhole, he was up to at least three bottles
of Jack Daniels a day.
But his high
spirits were dashed on Christmas Eve, when he looked up into the
Metropolis sky and saw the sign he dreaded most: the trademarked
heart-shaped logo of Iloveyou Man glimmering in the Christmas Sky.
Jonny got his ass over to the crime district to check things out,
but nothing seemed amiss. The noble muse was ready to chalk it up
to the chief of police using the searchlight while making his home
porn video tapes, when he noticed a shadowy figure rummaging through
the Metropolis K-Mart store, which had closed to shoppers hours
Using the skeleton
key that was issued to all city-employed super heroes, Jonny cautiously
entered the retail outlet to see what was amiss. As the handsome
muse strained to see in the dim light, what he finally did behold
shocked him in breathlessness. It was the greatest super villain
of all, attempting to destroy the most treasured of yuletide traditions
the After Christmas Sale!
screamed Jonny as he snapped on the lights. The foul creature froze
like a dear caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. There was
no mistaking the treacherous fiend who was standing before him.
Iloveyou Man was about to receive his greatest test, for he was
about to go head-to-head with that most diabolical villain, Winona
what youre up to, you fiend!" the pompous muse intoned
as the evil Ryder went back to loading merchandise into her Gucci
bag. "Youre trying to shoplift from all of the local
retail outlets so that theyll be out of merchandise for the
After Christmas Sales. Then, people will be unable to carry the
Christmas spirit beyond December 26, and there will be violence
in the street and general peril. Stop, I say stop!"
Winona Ryder was plundering the store.
you going to stop me?" laughed the doe-eyed actress as she
stuffed top from the Jacqueline Smith collection into her bag. "Im
a Hollywood celebrity. They dont convict us for spouse murder!
Do you really think you can bring me to justice on a shoplifting
The super muse
was momentarily silenced. He thought for a moment that perhaps he
had met his match. Then, something caught his eye in the video section.
right, Winona," chimed the muse as he began loading tapes in
his arms. "In fact, let me help you. Heres a video of
that god-awful movie you did with Richard Gere, Autumn in New
York. And heres Mr. Deeds; how anyone could manage
to make a bomb with Adam Sandler, I dont know. And what about
Alien Insurrection and Celebrity?"
was caught off-guard by her nemesiss quickness. "How
did you get all those tapes so quickly?" "It was easy,"
smirked the muse. "They were all piled together in the half-off
Jonny had found
Winonas Achilles heel. The former star grabbed her stomach
in pain and let out an anguished scream. "Its over, Winona,"
taunted the muse as he carefully approached his rival. "Stars
dont get prosecuted, but has-beens do time constantly. Ever
hear of a little show called Diffrent Strokes? Its
got out the handcuffs he always carried for when he managed to get
a date on the Internet. Ryder looked desperately into the sexy muses
eyes in surrender.
sorry," said the actress. "Its just that"
Winona pleaded for Jonny's help.
Before she could
finish the sentence, the store was suddenly overrun with passersby.
the light on," said one man, "and when we recognized Winona
Ryder, we knew exactly what was going on. I was waiting for the
After Christmas Store to load up on womens underwear for my
transvestite lifestyle. How dare she rob me of that cherished Christmas
get her!" screamed another.
The crowd was
about to pounce on Ryder, when they were halted into submission
by a desperate scream from Jonny M. "Stoooooooopp!" screamed
the muse, now fully aroused as the ample bosomed actress pressed
up against him to shield herself from the mob. "Dont
you realize that its Christmas Day. Christmas Day!
A time of forgiveness and tolerance. And just as this remorseful
creature was about to admit the errors of her ways and perhaps give
me my first taste of any poon tang since Jonny, the King and
the Gaseous Dragon, you want to tear her limb-from-limb. For
shame, I say. For shame!"
The crowd stared
at their feet in disgrace. Winona gazed at Jonny in awe, and looked
like she was about to reward him with some oral when the silence
was broken by a guy in the Seasonal aisle. "Hey, look! Christmas
decorations are half off! Lets load up for next year!"
So all was happiness
in Metropolis. Winona Ryder got off with community service which
she never fulfilled and had an affair with New York Yankee shortstop
Derek Jeter, Mayor Giuliani was elected in a landslide after visiting
a strip club, deciding they werent so bad after all and starting
a city-financed nudie bar in the City Hall lobby. K-Mart had their
most successful After Christmas Sale ever after pricing their merchandise
at a 500% mark-up instead of the usual 600% and saying that they
were offering massive savings. And Iron Man had the most successful
film of the summer because of an advertising campaign that centered
on the fact that the movie would finally reveal what kind of underwear
he wore under that iron suit. And everyone in Metropolis: young
and old, rich or poor, super or semi-super, had the best Christmas
of all was Jonny M. As he looked around and saw his new friends
celebrating the birth of Christ by pillaging the K-Mart, he felt
a special surge of pride in knowing that he had contributed to it.
And with a wink of an eye, he grabbed a Glamour magazine and retreated
into the mens room to try and relieve the blue balls he had
gotten from Winona Ryder.
And Happy Holidays
to you, my friend. Whether youre celebrating Christmas, Hanukah,
Kwanzaa, or Jonnys birthday on December 15 by sending the
traditional gifts of alcohol, I hope you have the best holiday season
ever and a new year that is filled with love and happiness and all
your dreams coming true. And heres reminding you that you
always have a loving friend in Jonny M.
Return to the Jonny Christmas Story home page