Alternative Facts

Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway, who said that press secretary Sean Spicer merely provided "alternative facts" when he angrily spewed at a press conference that President Trump's sparsely-attended inauguration was, in fact, the largest of its kind in history. Reporters interviewing Ms. Conway when she made the statement responded that what she called "alternative facts" were actually falsehoods, but I think they're missing point. For instance, say that I am on a first date with a young woman who responded to my dick pic on Web Chat Roulette. Upon joining me at a centrally located public house to see what I'm like in person, I will present her various details about myself (e.g., my age, my annual income, that the dick pic is of my junk and not that of 1970s porn icon John Holmes) that may have nothing to do with "reality" as we know it, but are actually based on reality as it should be. What's more, if we subscribe to the Many Universes Theory (as most prominent physicists do), we come to realize that there actually is a 26 year-old Jonny who makes $300,000 a year and has a 13-inch wang; if not in this universe, at least in one of the countless zillions of others that make up the cosmos. So scientists will agree that I am not merely telling lies about myself, but providing plausible alternative facts about myself. The main thing is that I end the evening by getting fucked, which is clearly is what's going to happen to us if we get our information from Kellyanne Conway.

President Donald J. Trump who tweeted "I will be asking for a major investigation into VOTER FRAUD, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal and even, those registered to vote who are dead (and many for a long time). Depending on results, we will strengthen up voting procedures!" I think President Trump shows statesmanlike leadership in calling for such an investigation despite the fact that a grand total of two fraudulent votes were detected in the election that put him into office and the kind of fraud he's talking about would be, without question, the greatest political scandal in the history of the United States (if not the world). But my concern is not that five million votes of illegal immigrants and dead people were counted in states in which Trump lost in a landslide; my worry is that around 10,000 votes for him in the swing states where he won by an eyelash were cast by irresponsible lunatics who shouldn't be allowed to vote in the first place. I mean, if the commander-in-chief is going to flush government resources down the toilet to conduct an investigation of a nonexistent scandal in order to make his ego feel a little better, we might as well get some tangible results out of it.

The overrated hack Meryl Streep in *Sophie's Choice*

Meryl Streep, who received her 20th Academy Award nomination for her performance in Florence Foster Jenkins. Ms. Streep was by no means considered a sure thing for Oscar recognition (she supplanted the far more highly expected Amy Adams in Arrival on the nominees list) and I suspect her nomination was helped in no small part by her speaking out against Donald Trump at the Golden Globes during the voting period. I might add that is perfectly okay with me although it does give credence to Mr. Trump's response that she is "one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood." I guess her previous 19 nominations could have been attributed to things which had nothing to do with her acting, except you collide with the miracle of her work in Sophie's Choice and even if she did make any anti-Reagan remarks while the Academy was deciding on who got the gold that year, you kinda have no choice but to admit after watching it that Ms. Streep may be the greatest actor in the history of acting. I don't know for sure if her Golden Globe speech this year had anything to do with her Oscar nomination for Florence Foster Jenkins (which I thought she was pretty good in) but the fact that she thinks Donald Trump is a dick probably didn't hurt her chances. I hope so anyway, because that would vastly improve my odds for winning a gold medal for bobsledding at the Winter Olympics.

The Women's March on Washington, in which over 2,000,000 people gathered in peaceful protest to make a statement against the Trump administration's stances on women's rights. I (along with at least 500,000 other people) attended the Los Angeles march and I wore my "Nasty Woman" tee-shirt to show my solidarity. When I was taking the subway to the march, a group of other protestors asked me why I wasn't wearing a "Bad Hombré" tee-shirt to which I responded "because today, we're all nasty women!" When I got there, I saw that I wasn't exaggerating because I have never encountered such a crush of humanity dedicated to not allowing the Powers That Be to marginalize them. Mr. Trump can sign all the executive orders limiting abortions that his shriveled heart desires; he's about to find out what happens when the countless people who oppose him get nasty.

Because I cannot end this list with anything political and not spend the rest of my day depressed out of my mind, my college buddy Heather McSiegel. Ms. McSiegel disclosed that she recently shared a flight from Las Vegas to Burbank with legendary porn star Ron Jeremy. A-hole that I am, I immediately asked Ms. McSiegel if she joined the fabled "Mile High Club" with Mr. Jeremy, a suggestion that she responded to with absolute disgust. But I would caution her not to be so picky. With Mr. Trump in the White House, we can well regard the United States as a plane about to crash into a mountaintop so we might as well suck face with whoever is in the seat next to us during those last few minutes of precious life. And if the last thing we experience is being stuffed inside a 4'x4' water closet with the sweaty, hairy body of Ron Jeremy on top us just before we end in fiery agony, it serves as a fitting metaphor for the once-great land of America before we are invaded by Putin's forces. By that point, we'll know that inevitable extinction is preferable to putting up with what immediately precedes it.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend the rest of my day depressed out of my mind.