Once upon a
time, there was a beautiful city called New Orleans. It was a picturesque,
homey place filled with drug-inspired jazz music, monuments recalling
the good-old slavery days, and a famous street where you could get
a nonstop supply of alcohol, cheap lap dances, and a lifetime supply
of shiny beads just for flashing your hooters to gangs of desperate
drunks in the balconies above you.
lived there hated the dump. The city had been devastated by a tremendous
hurricane just a few months before, and the failure of every level
of government to offer support had left it in uninhabitable, swampy
anarchy. Whats more, after the Federal Emergency Management
Agency head Michael Brown had been fired for incompetence the agency
was in complete chaos, leaving the rebuilding of New Orleans up
to whatever Hollywood celebrities felt like going down there for
a photo opportunity.
got a raw deal as head of FEMA fumed President Bush after
viewing the daily puppet show depicting world events that served
as his morning briefing. He may not have been the best at
dealing with natural disasters, but did you read some of those e-mails
he wrote while he had the job? The man was a heckuva snappy dresser!
got a raw deal as head of FEMA fumed President Bush.
weve got to appoint someone new to the post immediately,
responded Bushs top aide, a former laundromat manager who
caught the presidents attention in a newspaper article detailing
his efforts to build a monument to the unsung heroes who lost their
lives while bombing abortion clinics. A report that we received
a year ago says that an even more destructive hurricane is about
to blow through New Orleans again. If we dont act fast, the
city will be uninhabitable for centuries. I only wish Id shown
you the report when I got it, but it was just after Fahrenheit 9/11
had been released and all your time was taken up in trying to learn
what the word Fahrenheit means. Shall I line up a list
of applicants from your immediate circle of friends to take over
the FEMA job?
minute, replied Bush while a sinister smirk crawled over his
face (replacing the slightly more benign smirk that was usually
on his face). When did you say that hurricane was supposed
25, replied the aide. Thats unusual because hurricane
season usually ends on November 1, but we had to time it so that
this idiotic card had a Christmas theme.
what were going to do, replied the President. Since
Congress came down on so hard for trying to stick a member of my
inner circle on the Supreme Court even though they were unquag
it! What was the un?
offered the aide.
responded the President angrily, still not certain what the strange
multisyllabic word meant. Were going to put out a press
release saying that the new head of FEMA is going to be someone
that I never met before. But were going to make sure that
hes such a complete moron that the press is going to realize
that the only people who are kwally
quoly that word
you used before are members of my weekly Bible study.
answered the aide nervously. Who on earth could we find for
the job who is far more stupid than the people youve placed
in high government positions already?
At about this
time, a young muse named Jonny M. was being eliminated as a contestant
on American Idol. The noble muse had been an audience favorite
up until the final rounds until a scandal came to light that Jonny
had simply been miming singing to old Mario Lanza records. After
submitting himself to a humiliating but crowd-pleasing disparagement
by Simon Cowl of his live singing performance of The Theme From
Shaft, Jonny left the theatre in shame and got on the Internet
at the local library to find a new job. After logging onto the madbeast.com
Just for Fun page to see how many days there were until
his birthday on December 15 (and, in turn, how many days he would
have to wait until the traditional gifts of alcohol starting coming
in to commemorate it), Jonny logged onto CraigsList.com to see what
kind of bottom-dwelling job he could find to sustain himself through
the holidays. After scanning the missed connections
personal ads to see if that redhead he had shared a meaningful glance
with at a bus stop six months previously was finally trying to seek
him out, Jonny got down to business in the help wanted
with government jobs this time of year (or at least ever since these
idiotic cards got away from straight toilet humor and became more
political), the handsome muse opened the page devoted to bureaucratic
listings. After looking at the dozens of Congressional Aide
openings and rejecting them because of the inevitable STDs that
came with them, Jonnys eyes were caught by a listing reading
NEW HEAD OF FEMA WANTED.
logged onto the computer at the library.
The noble muse
read the ad intently. With his romantic history, who knew more about
disasters than Jonny? But reading the listing more closely, he was
shocked to find that the interviews were taking place that very
day! Without a moment to lose, the stylish muse hopped in his new
2006 Toyota Solara convertible and sped to the FEMA Headquarters
at the Washington, D.C. Nordstrom. When Jonny got there (careful
to take up two parking spaces so that no fool would scratch his
cars Lunar Mist Metallic finish), Jonny was stunned at
the foul display of human scum and filth that were waiting to interview
for the job. Sighing sadly because he knew he was usually only hired
for the gigs in these idiotic stories because he was the dumbest
applicant for the job, Jonny warily got in line behind a retarded
Scientologist and waited for his inevitable rejection.
foul display of human scum and filth were waiting to interview for
of seeing one feebleminded petitioner after another, President Bush
was ready to despair.
dumb enough, admitted the commander and chief. There
was one guy I almost hired because he had a vacant look on his face
that let you know there was nothing going on in his head. But goll-durn
it if it turned out that I was just looking in a mirror! No, none
of these losers can follow Brownie. He had a flair for fashion that
gave the department a little pizzazz. Thats what we need.
Another snappy dresser.
No sooner had
the words left Bushs lips than Jonny M. swept through the
door. Seeing Bushs sweaty smirk made the sensitive muse realize
that this would be the warmest two-minute interview of his life,
he whipped off his overcoat to get down to business.
As soon as the
President got a glimpse of Jonny, he put down his copy of GQ and
gave the muse his undivided attention. For having recently finished
a job playing Dopey at Euro Disneyland (although he was actually
employed to portray Aladdin, all the tourists assumed he was playing
Dopey and Jonny didnt argue as long as those Euros kept coming
in), the muse decided to splurge with his last paycheck and get
a complete outfit at the French Boutique Armée du Salut.
President put down his copy of GQ Magazine.
fantastic, exclaimed the President. Almost as good as
Brownie did. And am I mistaken, or is that intriguing scent
Smell, interjected Jonny, still chuckling to himself that
Armée du Salut is French for Salvation
Army. It would really be something having this walk
into the Oval Office for a semi-annual meeting, wouldnt it?
You just cant tell me that Donald Rumsfeld doesnt stink
to high heaven.
the well-dressed muse with such intensity that Jonny was sure that
he was to undergo the same ordeal that he went through when he interviewed
for the post of an alter boy for the Catholic Church. Pinning his
butt cheeks to the wall for protection, the muse starting edging
his way out the door but before he could make his exit, a giant
aide grabbed Jonny and held him for the presidents inspection.
Have your filthy way with me, screamed the muse. All
I ask is that you be careful of my hemorrhoid. Im having it
measured by the people from the Guinness Book of World Records next
studied the muses face carefully, realizing that it was the
first pair of eyes he had ever seen that appeared to have less behind
them than his own. As Jonny wept and screamed for mercy, the President
realized that the pathetic muse had the perfect mix of fashion sense
and innate stupidity to fulfill his fiendish plot. Giving the muse
a quick kick to the face and satisfied by Jonnys stoic reaction
that alcohol had killed off the last few remaining brain cells in
the muses failing cerebellum, the chief executive stuck out
said Mr. Bush. Youre the new head of FEMA.
The press was
outraged. After the debacle of Hurricane Katrina a person with a
great deal of experience is disaster recovery was needed, and the
closest thing to a disaster on Jonnys résumé
was his performance in A Cat Among Pigeons. But unlike Bushs
other appointments, they could find no social connection to ally
Jonny with the President. Perhaps the repellent muse brought qualities
to the job that werent apparent on his disturbing profile
or repellent personality? The House nervously approved the appointment
by the narrowest margin in history, and the Senate followed suit.
his new job. For the first time he could remember, he had a gig
during the Christmas season that didnt require him to head
off to some far-off land or give a hackneyed speech to a bunch of
losers and then collapse into a pool of his own vomit. The muse
happily settled into his Washington office, and spent most of his
time leading up to Christmas dictating thank you letters to the
many friends who had sent him gifts of alcohol for his birthday
on December 15.
Christmas Eve dictating just such an e-mail to his pal Ken Summers
for sending him a case of Chai de Bordes Bordeaux wine (reasonably
priced at BevMo) when his peace was shattered by an intruder bursting
into his office. The muse was about to call security when he realized
that the interloper was actor Sean Penn.
Jonny was dictating an e-mail, Sean Penn burst in with his photographer.
you sit here in your comfortable office while theres work
to be done? asked the Academy Award winner as he held the
door open for his photographer. When Hurricane Katrina hit
and the Iraqi War started, my photographer and I were there making
sure that plenty of photos of me were sent to the press to raise
awareness of the problem! What makes you think that you have the
right to spend all your time doing nothing but writing self-serving
its in the job description, said Jonny. Anyway,
what do you care? They only need me in the event of an emergency,
and there arent any.
right? asked Penn sarcastically as he threw a top secret government
report on Jonnys desk. Then how can you explain that
I was able to download this off SmokingGun.com?
The muse was
shocked by what he read. The federal government had known for two
years that Hurricane Consuelo was going to hit New Orleans on Christmas
Day with a destructive force 1000 times that of Katrina, and devastate
its levees even if they were at their strongest. Now that they were
weakened to the breaking point, the historic city had no chance.
my watch! thundered the muse. And certainly not on Christmas
Day. If you think Im going to let one of Americas greatest
cities go down on our holiest of days, youve got another think
coming, Jack. To the Jonnymobile!
Air Force One get us there quicker? asked Penn, already wanting
to punch out the pompous Jonny.
guess youre right, admitted the muse. I just look
so damned sexy behind the wheel of that car! But theres no
time for that now! To Air Force One!
It was Christmas
morning when the government plane touched down in New Orleans Airport.
Hurricane Consuelo had already done significant damage to the picturesque
city, so after taking an hour for Penn to pose for some photos unpacking
relief supplies from the airplane, the trio high-tailed it to Bourbon
Street for Jonny to suck down some Bahama Mamas and reacquaint himself
with a stripper named Ambrosia he knew from the Barely Legal gentlemans
But when the
pair got to the historic avenue, they werent prepared for
what they saw. Bourbon Street had become Bourbon River, as a torrent
of water flowed through the once-fashionable bars and strip joints.
God, seethed Jonny as he watched a four-foot high Styrofoam
breast float by. Now, its personal.
four-foot high Styrofoam breast floated down Bourbon Street.
get to the levees! screamed Penn. It will be a great
FEMA badge, the trio commandeered a rowboat from a local crawdad
fisherman to survey the damage to the vital levees. It was worse
than Jonny had feared. Hurricane Consuelo had submerged the Big
Easy under five feet of water, and the already-damaged levees that
were vital to the safety of the city were nearing the breaking point,
so that if something wasnt done immediately, New Orleans would
be enveloped in a torrential flood that would swallow the city whole.
After posing for a few more photos, Penn realized the danger of
the situation as Jonnys finely honed sense of smell made the
muse comprehend that the liquid streaming down the actors
leg wasnt flood run-off.
got to get out of here! screamed Penn. Ive already
posed for all the pictures my publicist asked for, and this is getting
scary. I mean, when I visited Iraq, I never left the Hilton.
surveyed the desperation of the situation and was forced to agree.
But just as the noble muse was about to pull anchor, he noticed
some driftwood floating past him. But it wasnt just any driftwood.
a Christmas tree! screamed the muse.
Christmas tree floated by.
replied Penn. It will give the photographer something to float
on. He might get some good shots of me that way.
you understand? asked the forceful muse as he slapped the
Hollywood cream puff in the face. If theres a Christmas
tree, that means that some poor soul who simply wanted to be home
to celebrate our holiest day in peace could be in danger! We must
find the owner of this tree and make sure that they are safe to
celebrate Christmas Day today with us as a member of our human family.
why Jonny was talking with such a stilted vocabulary, not realizing
that this was the point in the story where the pompous muse had
to save Christmas for some poor slob. Jonny pulled out his spyglass
to see if he could spot the celebrants when he noticed the faint
image of a desperate soul being swept out to sea.
a good thing they have those flotation devices, said Penn
as he squinted to make out the faint image of the poor victim being
sucked into the force of the water.
arent flotation devices, corrected Jonny. Those
are the massive hooters of my friend Ambrosia the stripper!
The muse tried
to dive into the torrent, but Penn stopped him.
never make it, said the actor. Her only chance would
be for us to throw her a line, but we dont have a rope thats
desperately around the boat for something to throw to the desperate
exotic dancer, but found nothing. But just as he was about to despair,
he noticed the photographer still wading in the freezing torrent.
screamed Jonny. How many exposures of film do you have on
the roll in you camera? Twenty-four or thirty-six?
as my client? snickered the photographer. Thirty-six.
I can use up twenty-four shots just shooting him punching me out
for taking his picture.
be just long enough! declared Jonny. Unroll it so I
can toss it out to her to grab.
kidding? screamed Penn. I came out here just so I could
pose for those shots. Theres no way Im going to let
you ruin them!
you are! responded the muse, realizing hed better lay
this speech on thick because this moronic story had less to do with
Christmas than any other Jonny Card to date. This is Christmas,
a day when we cant just think of our own needs. One of Gods
souls in suffering out there, and we have the ability to relieve
her burden by giving up something that may be irreplaceable to you,
but is far less sacred than a human life. Isnt Christmas truly
about sacrifice and giving so that we can make this world a better
place for others? We must be prepared to give of ourselves on this
day of days, as a reminder that such selflessness should be our
goal throughout the year!
Penn shed a
silent tear at the power of the muses words, and stepped aside
so that there would be no barrier between Jonny and the photographer.
The noble muse lunged at the camera and ripped out the film, carefully
unspooling it so that it made a long and sturdy line. Knowing that
he only had one chance, the muse looped the end of the film, aimed
carefully at Ambrosia and desperately threw the makeshift lariat
towards the sinking dancer. The would-be rescuers felt their heart
skip as the erotic entertainer was swallowed up by a whirlpool just
as she grabbed the line, but the trio gave a furious pull at the
cord and were relieved to find that the full-figured maiden was
able to hold on and climb into the raft!
fact that Ambrosia never lost consciousness, Jonny, Penn and the
photographer took turns giving the dancer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
until they were satisfied that she had recovered from the ordeal.
The violated adult entertainer finally opened her eyes and looked
up at Jonny gratefully.
looked up at Jonny gratefully.
to thank me, said the muse as he helped Ambrosia up. For
this is Christmas, a time when we should only think of others, and
be willing to lend a hand whenever a hand is needed. Not only when
times are most dire, and in our everyday lives when such charity
may not yield such dramatic rewards. For the true reward is the
enlightenment that we carry on our soul, of knowing that we are
a powerful force in the world, not only on this day of days, but
all the days of the year.
With that, Ambrosia
brushed past Jonny and made a beeline to Sean Penn.
you Tom Cruise? asked the dancer. Could you help me
make it in Hollywood? My last two johns both said I had what it
takes to be a movie star!
So all was happiness
in New Orleans. The city weathered the storm and was rebuilt by
several hundred billion dollars in government aid that was provided
by the Hilary Clinton administration. Sean Penn made five box office
duds in a row, for which he was paid a total of a hundred and six
million dollars. And Ambrosia the stripper went to Hollywood to
have a brief fling at being an actress before being spit out of
the bottom of the porn industry.
of all was Jonny M. As he looked around at his friends living in
peace and happiness on this Christmas Day, he felt a surge of pride
in knowing that he had contributed to it. So, with a song in his
heart he returned to Washington intent on making the world a better
and safer place for all Americans, until six months later when he
was fired from his FEMA job and served a fifteen-month prison term
for taking kickbacks from the Halliburton Corporation.
to you, dear friend. Whether you are celebrating Christmas with
friend, Hanukkah with family, or commemorating the season by sending
gifts of alcohol to Jonny for his birthday on December 15, know
that you, too, are an indispensable member of the human family who
has an inexhaustible supply of opportunities to make the world a
better and safer place each and every day of the year. And know
that you always have a loving friend in Jonny M.
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