Once upon a
time, there was a profitable company called America. It had a rich
and storied history, starting out as a pitiful little colony of
the British Empire and ultimately breaking off on its own to become
one of the most successful countries on the world stage, until the
Halliburton Corporation saw its potential and acquired it in a hostile
takeover as one of the conglomerates most valuable subsidiaries.
profits had started to fall off when its Board of Directors improvidently
invested in Weapons of Mass Destruction futures in Iraq, and when
Dick Cheney, the companys CEO, only narrowly retained control
at a shareholders meeting in November, he knew he had to do
something spectacular to get back the confidence of his investors.
screwed! shouted the CEO. My court jester told me that
God spoke to him personally and said that the streets of Iraq are
paved with Weapons of Mass Destruction. But when we sent our weapons
inspectors in there, they couldnt find a thing. Its
just the same as calling God a liar. They deserved to get their
heads cut off on the Internet!
screwed! shouted the CEO.
we going to do, Chief? asked the Undersecretary of Housing
and Urban Development, who had only just been promoted from being
the Registrar of Voters in Ohio after doing the CEO a favor by seeing
some ballots fell off the truck on the way to the counting center.
We cant press our luck by hoping that the opposition
will keep running colorless automatons against us. Weve got
to do something to get the shareholders trust back, or well
be seeing Hillary Clinton running the corporation in four years.
never come to that, growled Cheney with sinister glee. When
the shareholders learn that we were right about the Weapons of Mass
Destruction, our popularity will skyrocket so highly that they wont
think twice about our rewriting the company charter making it legal
for Arnold to succeed me as CEO. That way well have another
one of our men back in this office for another eight years, and
we can go to war against whoever we want. Belgium has really been
getting on my nerves lately!
stammered the Undersecretary, his eyes widening in terror at the
fiendish glare on Cheneys twisted face. Weve scoured
Iraq for Weapons of Mass Destruction, and we havent found
so much as a copy of Soldier of Fortune Magazine.
scowled the CEO. And since the Iraqis werent cooperative
enough to supply us with the Weapons of Mass Destruction we needed
to find, well have to plant one ourselves. Well send
in a new weapons inspector who will search in an area no one thought
to look in before, and hell find a cache of WMDs so colossal
that it would be enough to wipe out the entire human race. And to
prove to the shareholders that God is on our side, hell find
the stockpile on Christmas Day itself.
stood dazed in horror at the fiendishness of the plot.
problem is, continued Cheney, foam streaming from his thin
lips, no one with any intelligence would ever believe that
he would find such a forbidding arsenal after wed already
gone over the country with a fine-tooth comb. Who could we possibly
get thats stupid enough to go along with our plan?
At about this
time, a young muse named Jonny M. was being fired from his job as
a Chippendales dancer. The flabby muse had only gotten the
gig after providing a glowing description of his chiseled physique
over the phone, but when he arrived at the club with his grotesque
paunch sagging over the licorice thong that barely covered his shriveled
midsection, the club owner vomited and stuffed him into a nearby
dumpster. Undaunted, the muse grabbed a copy of Backstage West and
(after rereading the rave review he received for his recent appearance
in The Authors Thumb), scanned the want ads for an
exciting new gig. His eyes were drawn to a patriotic image of Uncle
Sam, underneath which was the caption Earn good money while
you practice your craft! Weapons Inspector wanted in Iraq.
it to the Corporate Headquarters on Pennsylvania Avenue, ready to
stand in one of the long lines that always make for an amusing illustration
in these idiotic stories. But when the noble muse arrived at the
CEOs office, he was surprised to find that he was the only
high-tailed it to the Corporate Headquarters on Pennsylvania Avenue.
gives? asked the muse, regretful that he only choked back
three bottles of vodka so that he would be sober enough for the
interview. In all the other stories, theres always a
long line of freaks so that the interviewers are despairing at finding
anyone qualified to fill the job when I walk in. Not to mention
that its an excellent opportunity to sneak in photos of various
Jonny Pals standing in line. How come there arent any other
were other applicants, snapped Cheney. But then word
got out that the Iraqis had beheaded another war contractor on the
Internet, and they emptied out of here faster than the people who
watched the first two episodes of Joey.
got out that the Iraqis had beheaded another war contractor on the
As Cheney spoke,
he noticed a vacant stare in Jonnys face that made him suspect
that the noble muse might just be dumb enough to be the man he was
looking for. He decided to lob Jonny a softball to see just how
gullible he was.
only sorry, whispered the CEO in a crocodile whine that was
so insincere that it couldnt have fooled a retarded moose
(moose being among the least intelligent of all mammals), that
we wont be able to find the Weapons of Mass Destruction in
time to bring our troops home for Christmas!!!
asked Jonny, his attention momentarily diverted from checking out
on Cheneys laptop. Are you telling me that Christmas
might be in jeopardy because of all this? And to think I almost
took that job on the Suicide Hotline at Bedford Falls! With Christmas
at stake, this is even more important. Get me on a plane to Iraq!
muse was still chuckling at his rather forced reference to Its
a Wonderful Life in the preceding paragraph when his plane touched
down at the Baghdad airport. Jonny was anxious to high-tail it to
the duty-free shop to load up on Kahlua and then get to work saving
Christmas for the brave men and women serving their country in this
bleak desert. He hopped off the jet expecting to be greeted by a
brass band playing "Star and Stripes Forever," but instead
beheld a sad cluster of dead-eyed recruits who looked like theyd
rather have been assigned to groom Ed Asners back hair.
right there, you maggot! screamed a gruff, intimidating voice
before the handsome muses feet were on the runway. Jonny turned
to see a very masculine looking figure in military attire staring
disapprovingly at him. Im Colonel Mike Kirby, and Im
your guard while youre looking for WMDs in Baghdad.
very masculine looking figure in military attire stared disapprovingly
The muse gulped
nervously and started to introduce himself, but was stopped in mid-sentence
by the no-nonsense soldier.
need to know anything about you, smirked Kirby. Dont
ask, dont tell is our motto; and I can tell about you with
just one look, fruity-boy. Now get beside me in the jeep. I dont
want you behind me so you can sneak up on me and perform any sodomization.
that he enjoyed the work despite Kirbys continuous challenging
of his heterosexuality (which, given Jonnys disastrous romantic
history, the muse thought was perfectly reasonable). He would spend
his days accompanied by Colonel Kirby by looking fruitlessly for
signs of Weapons of Mass Destruction, and entertain himself at night
by wondering if any of the readers got that Kirbys name was
the same as John Waynes character in The Green Berets.
After a while, the noble muse despaired at finding anything more
destructive than Kirbys ego-bruising insults aimed at his
masculinity, and cheered himself up by preparing for the inevitable
approach of Christmas Eve. The noble muse stayed busy by happily
trimming a cactus with tinsel, fastening Christmas stockings from
combat amputees' leftover socks, and sharing with the soldiers the
gifts of alcohol that he had received as birthday presents on December
15 from the readers of these cards. The muse was heartened to notice
that the recruits sad eyes brightened at Jonnys attempts
to bring a yuletide feel to the lonely desert, although the Colonel
continued to dwell only on his theories on Jonnys fondness
for same-sex perversions. But the muse took no mind, and even wrote
a letter to Santa on Colonel Kirbys behalf asking for a suit
of bullet-proof body armor that the army had failed to provide.
The magic night
finally came, and Jonny strained his ears to try and hear the faint
sound of sleigh bells in the hot desert sky. What he got instead
was the overbearing blast of Kirbys shrill scream blaring
in his ear.
you pansy maggot, howled the gruff Marine as he shined a harsh
light in the muses sleepy eyes. We just got a tip that
there are Weapons of Mass Destruction at the McDonalds on Saddam
Hussein Boulevard. Its probably just a moldy old Big Mac that
guy from Super-Size Me left behind, but were going to check
it out. Up!
up, you pansy maggot, howled the gruff Marine.
Christmas Eve, pleaded Jonny. Couldnt we just
wait until Santa gets here so I can be sure he liked the smores
I left for him?
After a quick
visit to the infirmary to have Jonnys broken collarbone set,
the muse and Colonel Kirby were off to the McDonalds to check
out the threat. Jonny had been on hundreds of such missions, but
this one seemed a little different to him somehow. Kirby usually
spent the drive grilling the muse for his opinion of Ricky Martin,
but on this trip the Colonel had the focus of a man with a divine
calling. The jeep pulled up to the hamburger joint, and Kirby motioned
the muse to go inside.
you going to go in first to make sure it isnt an ambush?
asked Jonny nervously.
be necessary this time, maggot, responded the Colonel with
a sneer. Get inside.
The noble muse
nervously entered the McDonalds as Kirby casually followed. Jonny
sized the place up to ascertain any potential hiding places, when
he suddenly tripped over a massive black ball in the middle of the
restaurant. Jonny didnt need his half hour training course
in identifying Weapons of Mass Destruction to know what it was;
years of watching Warner Bros. cartoons had trained him to recognize
the black metal ball with the ominous fuse as a deadly bomb!
god! shouted the muse. There really were Weapons of
Mass Destruction. Youd think someone would have spotted it
in the middle of the busiest McDonalds in Iraq, but I guess
its true that you never think to look in the most obvious
places. Hand me the wire cutters, so I can disarm the fuse.
not disarming anything.
around to find Kirby pointing an AK-47 at him.
had it up to here with you liberal pansies not getting behind this
war, said Kirby as Jonny stared helplessly at the fuse of
the Weapon of Mass Destruction burning ominously towards its explosive
core. It never occurred to you that the military needs to
kick some third-world ass just to stay in practice. After this Weapon
of Mass Destruction lays waste to Baghdad, the pussy Democrats back
in the U.S. will realize that this war was a righteous one after
all. I just thank God that we have leadership with the wisdom to
know that if you cant scrounge up enough evidence to go to
war, you supply it yourself.
It was only
then that Jonny read the label of the bomb: Made in the U.S.A.!
telling me, asked the rather dense muse, that you planted
this bomb yourself to make the American public think it was part
of Saddams arsenal? I recognize this model of bomb from Road
Runner cartoons, and its the most deadly model that ACME makes.
When it goes off, it will kill all life for miles around, including
the brave men and women of the U.S. military who thought that they
came here to liberate this country.
a price Im willing to pay, sneered Kirby. Todays
military are just a bunch of light loafers who join up so that their
tuition at hippie colleges will be paid for by Uncle Sam. After
this bomb goes off, the U.S. will get a taste of what real warfare
is about. And to win this thing, well have to commit every
resource the country has to offer for total victory. The loss of
a few million lives is a price Im easily willing to pay.
The noble muse
could stand it no longer. With an anguished cry, he threw his body
over the Weapon of Mass Destruction.
an anguished cry, Jonny threw his body over the Weapon of Mass Destruction.
let you do it, screamed Jonny as he tried to envelope the
massive bomb with his scrawny frame. The troops came over
here in good faith, with the belief that the U.S. government would
put everything they had into bringing them back safely. But after
living through this debacle that saw us go in to Iraq for dubious
reasons with chaotic military tactics and no plan of how to get
out once we were in, no they have to feel forsaken by their own
leaders on the most sacred day of the year? Christmas is a time
when we must embrace our fellow man and live with in the belief
that we can trust one another to do the right thing. You may call
it naiveté, but I call it faith. And I wont see that
faith betrayed by you or anyone on this most special days. This
Weapon of Mass Destruction may kill me, but I only pray that the
sacrifice I make will show to others that the selfless spirit of
Christmas lives, and must continue living not only in the safety
and comfort of the United States, but anywhere that members of the
human family live under Gods own sky!
With that, the
muse hugged the Weapon of Mass Destruction tightly to absorb its
explosive power, as the burning fuse disappeared into the bombs
saw Air Force One touch down at the Iraqi airstrip. CEO Cheney knew
that the image of his delivering a somber Yuletide address from
the carnage of the ravaged desert would be exactly what the United
States needed to escalate the war into a truly manly conflict that
any world leader could be proud of. But when Cheney looked out of
the planes window, he couldnt believe what he saw: not
only was the countryside untouched by the Weapon of Mass Destructions
explosion, but the military base was festively decorated with Christmas
cheer. Cheney wanted answers, but when he looked for Kirby to provide
them, he found the Colonel locked in a passionate embrace with Jonny
morning saw Air Force One touch down at the Iraqi airstrip.
going on, here? demanded Cheney. I gave strict orders
to have Baghdad leveled by now. What happened?
sick of living a macho lie, shot back Kirby. After seeing
Jonny M. sacrifice himself by throwing his body over that Weapon
of Mass Destruction, I finally realized the true meaning of Christmas
lies in cherishing human life above all things, and to show your
true self to the world and allow yourself to be accepted not for
living some narrow definition of right and wrong that society handed
down to me, but for the complicated, beautiful person that I really
found the Colonel locked in a passionate embrace with Jonny M.
dramatically for effect.
a damned fine soldier, and
the Marine shot a long, meaningful
look in the muses eyes,
a damned fine gay soldier
about you, asked Cheney, turning to Jonny. I thought
you were straight.
responded the muse. But after my disastrous romantic history
with women, I thought Id give this a try.
question, summed up Cheney, trying desperately to pretend
that he hadnt heard that last statement. The Weapon
of Mass Destruction was timed to go off at midnight, and there was
no way to disarm it. Why wasnt there a massive explosion that
leveled all of Iraq?
we were all safe the second I looked at that thing, replied
Jonny sheepishly. The bomb just fizzled out. The label said
Made with pride in the U.S.A., and we all know damned well
that U.S, workers are all disillusioned burnouts who dont
do anything with pride. It the bomb had been made in Japan, I knew
wed all be toast. But anything thats American-made represents
So all was happiness
in the United States of America subdivision of the Halliburton Corporation.
CEO Cheney was thrown out by the Board of Directors, and was replaced
by Hillary Clinton (who really didnt do a better job, but
least wasnt the subject of any obnoxious Michael Moore documentaries.)
Colonel Kirby was discharged from the Marines for embracing his
gay lifestyle, but found success as a personal stylist on a reality
TV show. And everyone in America recognized that Peace on Earth
really should mean Peace Everywhere on Earth, and never again
declared a war just to show the rest of the world that were
the most macho bad asses in the universe.
of all was Jonny M. As he looked around at his friends new
dedications towards maintaining peace, he took some satisfaction
at taking part in it. So, taking a deep breath, he disappeared into
a pup tent with Colonel Kirby to see if hed discovered his
true destiny, only to be thrown out less than an hour later when
Kirby realized that Jonny was as repellent to men as he is to women.
And happy holidays
to you, my friend. Whatever holiday you celebrate, be it Christmas,
Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or the always-popular Jonnys Birthday on
December 15 in which I cannot overstate the appropriateness of gifts
of alcohol; remember that this is the time of year to remember that
the phrase Peace on Earth is not only a wishful sentiment, but a
challenge to all of us to do whatever we can to make that sentiment
a permanent reality. And remember that you always have a loving
friend in Jonny M.
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