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Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® SOCIAL NETWORK PRODUCTS |
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Jonny® Plastic Surgery |
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It's your dream to be an Instagram Influencer and cash in big by having horny teenagers ogle over online pix of your perfect body. But it's not enough to spend eight hours a day in the gym to get six-pack abs and buns of steel for the easy money; you've got to have a face and figure so perfect that they bear no relationship to human physiology. That's where the skilled medical professionals at Jonny Plastic Surgery come in, carving out your grotesque imperfections that might keep those sniveling snots from clicking the "Follow" button so that they can worship you online. And sure, you have to travel all the way to the Cayman Islands for treatment, but who knows? You might just be lucky enough to bump into Jonny himself having some adjustments made on his famous man boobs. It will be a wonderful memory for when you're 55 and your face has caved in from too much surgery and you've got a bad back from carrying around two DD-sized bags of saline solution in your chest and you're a confirmed alcoholic because everything your self-worth was based on had inevitably faded with the passage of time and you never felt the need to develop a personality. |
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The 2021 Hack Werker Calendar |
$5999 |
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Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
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The Jonny® Quarantine Playset |
$29999 |
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JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS
Jonny® Skimmed Milk |
$599 PER GAL. |
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The presidential election and the nightmare of ballot-counting that followed has given you an excruciating bleeding ulcer so anything you put in your belly comfortably in the past now turns it into a raging furnace. Find some solace in this milkfat-free lactose treat fom Jonny Farms® that will soothe your damaged stomach lining that's been ravaged by four solid years of a deranged wannabe dictator. It may be slender solace that you're forced to slobber down this horrendous crap for the rest of your life just to avoid an existence of agonizing pain from now on but anybody who thought the residual pain of the Trump administration was over just because he's no longer in office was just fooling themselves anyway.
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Jonny® Fraudulent Voters |
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So you've decided to take the leap and run for office but all the polls say that you have no chance in unseating the incumbent. It's no problem with Jonny® Fraudulent Voters, our network of millions of illegal aliens brought in from Mexico and South America to each cast hundreds of ballots in US elections using data from deceased voters or a lot we simply made up. This service is only available to candidates from the Democratic party using the super-secret voter fraud methods that only Democrats know about. And to make it look more plausible, we have our illegal voters cast their ballots for Republican candidates in other races even though it will undermine your authority when you start your new job because while we're geniuses in throwing elections, we apparently have no concept at all in how to run a government. |
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The Jonny®Channel |
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The Covid pandemic has everyone shut in at home and looking for quality entertainment on their television. But "quality" is one thing that you won't find on The Jonny® Channel, a 24/7 stream of nonstop crap that's what you really want to watch anyway.
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