marble tombstone Jonny Christmas Advertising

         



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Have a Jonny Christmas with
JONNY® GRIEF COPING PRODUCTS

Jonny Hooch®*

$1999

Everybody has a collection of a-hole relatives they can't stand whose graves they swear they're going to pee on at the funerals, but when the time comes they can't work up either the nerve or the urine. Those roadblocks won't trouble you when you show up plastered on this inhibition-killing brew; the hardest liquor you can buy legally in the U.S. (and that's only because we greased a lot of palms to import it from Guatemala, where it is called "Licor De La Muerte"). A few chugs just before the service will get you drunk enough to let your slimy bastard uncle or shrewish grandmother who cut you out of her will know what you think of them and provide you with a full enough bladder to do it with!
 
* May cause cirrhosis of the liver, rectal cancer and dementia

HeWasABastard.com*

$5999*
PER MONTH

There's nothing more frustrating than going to a funeral or memorial service and hearing everyone talk about what a wonderful person the deceased was, when you knew that he was a real bastard...but when someone presses you for specifics, you choke. Kiss those worries goodbye with this comforting website that contains a database of every cruel act that every deceased person in the United States ever committed. So that when your delusional great aunt or idiot cousin starts eulogizing how fantastic the stiff was, you can login and shut them up mid-sentence by rattling off a list of all the sadistic things he ever did. Our task force is headed by Michael Steele, the British spy who put together the Trump/Russia dossier, and we've collected more dirt about every person on the planet than you could possibly imagine. And sure, we know about all the terrible things you've done too; but what do you care? By the time we post it, you'll be dead!
 
* One-year membership required

Jonny® Mourners

$19999*
PER HOUR

Who says that funerals have to be a total downer? A few of our smokin' hot professional mourners peppered through the crowd will be enough to make your memorial service a roaring success. No one will be paying attention to the boring eulogies or ridiculously embellished anecdotes about the stiff when they're surrounded by luscious coked-out eye candy we've recruited from local strip clubs and gyms who are pretending to care that they're there even more convincingly than you are. It doesn't matter your sexual orientation, we've got the perfect-10 grieving survivors of whatever gender role lights your rocket to make your loved one's funeral a sexual turn-on that his friends and relatives will never forget!

The Jonny® Gravestone

$295999*

When you see Jonny's smiling face beaming down from atop this magnificent monument to your deceased loved one, you'll forget why you were sad about visiting the cemetery in the first place. It will almost make it worth losing your infant child or longtime spouse knowing that they'll be planted for all eternity under this quality granite tombstone that bears the visage of their beloved hero. And if it's your own funeral you're planning, imagine how cheered your mourners will feel knowing that your remains will be forever looked over by Jonny. And while it's true that someone who would shell out three grand for something so stupid probably won't have any mourners, you're grave will probably attract enough interest from passersby going to visit their loved ones graves that anyone who might see your final resting place from a distance will assume that you weren't the irretrievable loser in life that you actually were.

Jonny® Taxidermy

Call for price

With your busy schedule, you don't have time to visit a cemetery once every six months just because a beloved family member kicked the bucket. Do your mourning at home with our patented technique of stuffing and tanning your loved ones so that they look even better than they did in life. It will be as if they never died at all when you walk into your living room and see their body planted in their favorite chair. Or if you're on too tight a budget to have the whole body stuffed, we can mount just their head on an attractive wood plaque or attach their foot to an eye-catching stainless steel key chain to bring you good luck. We grant you, it's debatable how much luck the foot of someone who died from aggressive pancreatic cancer carries, but it still makes for a great conversation piece and your days of always hunting for your keys are over!

Jonny ® Grief Counseling

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It doesn't matter what kind of devastating trauma you've suffered in you life, just one hour of personal one-on-one therapy with Jonny is going to make you feel a whole lot better about yourself. We guarantee that no matter what kind of crazy shit is troubling you, his is a whole lot worse. You'll barely be able to get a word in edgewise as Jonny moans hysterically about his nightmarish childhood and shocking sexual history until you go running from the office, convinced that you're the most psychologically healthy person who ever lived. One unfortunate side effect to this treatment is that some of Jonny's most disturbing stories will give you pretty horrifying nightmares that will cause you to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but we can give you the name of a qualified shrink if that happens.

The 2019 Hack Werker Calendar

$5999


Now you can relive your passion for the 2,000+ titles written by legendary novelist Hack Werker every month of the year! We won't take up your valuable time by making you actually read the things; each of his books takes at least 30 minutes to finish and you always have to get through at least one chapter of a thinly-veiled account of Werker's bitter relationship with his overbearing father. Instead, we get to the meat of the story by giving you the cover art of twelve of his most popular titles, which get to the point without having to sit through his badly-written, self-indulgent whining that would have you asleep by page 15 if it wasn't for the graphic depictions of violence and perverse sex that is a hallmark of Werker's work. Supplies are limited so order now!
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The Boris® Playset

$29999

 


Click on the image to see a larger version
 
 

JONNY® STOCKING STUFFERS

 

Jonny® Erotic Cookies

$6999

It's never too early to teach your little ones that everything in life is a competition. That includes Christmas, where Santa is going to bring the best presents to the houses that grease his palms by leaving him the best cookies. Jonny Kitchens® has cooked up the perfect artificially-sweetened biscuits for an old pervert who likes to have children sit on his lap. These delicious sugar cookies depict every sexual position from the Indian classic The Kharma Sutra, and they're guaranteed to turn Saint Nick on so much that he'll have Rudolph and the gang stuffing the entire contents of the sleigh down your chimney. Just don't let Dad get to them first, or he'll being doing some stuffing of his own, which is a pretty gross thing to say in a Christmas ad but we know for a fact that our incredibly stupid, alcoholic editor only looks at the first sentence and the last sentence of these things, so we're not too worried. It will be the most magical, love-filled Yuletide that your family will ever have!

The Jonny® Strap-On

$27999

Give him the Christmas morning he's been hinting about since your first date when he's awoken by the sight of you wearing an exact replica of Jonny's tragically misshapen genitalia and ordering him to turn over on his stomach and take it like the pathetic whore that he is. He'll get to live out the erotic fantasy of his lifetime as the unforgiving penetration of this quality resin dildo makes him feel like he's being anally violated by Jonny personally, and you'll get the added pleasure of finally putting the little bitch in his place. Not only will it extend your crumbling marriage for at least a year longer until he finally moves into a loft in West Hollywood with his personal trainer, but there's no better way to celebrate the birth of the Christ child because that's whose name he'll be screaming the first time you jam this thing inside his unlubricated corn hole.

Jonny® Junior Ranger Power Bars

$84999*

You just got back from climbing a mountain today and you're going on a 200 mile hike with full pack tomorrow. Where do you find the energy? By munching on one of these delicious power bars that are guaranteed to give you the extra oomph you need. Our stamina-enhancing snack is made from all-organic ingredients and is the exclusive energy supplement to be endorsed by the prestigious Junior Rangers of America!* Why? Because the Jonny® Bar is the only one laced with 7 grams of pure cocaine. Sure they're a little pricey but when you need that extra kick to backpack across Death Valley or wrestle a hungry cheetah in the jungle, they'll give you the lift that you need to push you through your mid-life crisis.
 
*This product is not endorsed by the Junior Rangers of America.

Be in a Jonny® Facebook Picture

Call for price

Who says that you have to be a legendary superstar like Frances Fisher or a world-renowned sex kitten like Mara Marini to be depicted in one of Jonny's trademark Facebook illustrations? For the right price, one of Jonny's lowly assistants will Photoshop you with him and his beloved pug Boris in whatever scenario you'd like and then post it on Jonny's personal Facebook page as if he actually knows who you are! Imagine how jealous your friends will be when they logon to the social media and see you vacationing, partying, and even enjoying erotic relationships with the one-and-only Jonny! The beauty part is that only about 15% of the idiots who see these things realize that they're fake, so almost everyone you know is going to think that you're part of Jonny's personal harem, whether you're a chick, a dude, or any variant thereof (since we're talking Jonny here, even the most innocent of pictures have a bizarrely perverse aspect to them). Of course, you can also call us about not being included in any of Jonny's Facebook pictures but as the old saying goes, "if you have to ask, you probably can't afford it."

The Jonny® Game

$13999

Jonny is going to visit the Hollywood mansion of his celebrity crush Frances Fisher, and you get to tag along! Join Jonny and Boris through the nightmarish hell they encounter whenever they set foot outside of Casa de Jonny, just by clicking on the squares of the game board below! Fair warning: these are all based on real-life experiences from Jonny's own life, and they're not for the squeamish. Do you have what it takes to help Jonny and Boris reach their destination? You'll only find out by playing!!!

Author's note: This thing took for freaking-ever to make, so I hope you bloody well enjoy it.

 
 


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  YEAR IN REVIEW