It is my great fortune to know a number of highly charismatic and attractive people who provide me with a window into their rich lives by sharing with me an online library of photographs via the social network. It is their great misfortune that my passion is taking those photographs and mangling them into absurd situations through the magic of PhotoShop.
I was going through a phase where I was creating a series of bogus movie posters when I made one for a horror film called “Professor Morlock.” For reasons that are known only to the forgotten pagan god that I worship, my imagination caught fire and I became obsessed with cranking out posters, on-set photographs, merchandising items and spin-offs for the franchise. Not only that, I concocted an elaborate back story about the making of the saga in which I employed my misused friends' names and faces for the characters.
The “Morlock” saga begins with the first film in the series made vaguely during the Cold War in the Kennedy administration and continues to the present. In that 50-year span, the actors have mysteriously not aged a day. I can’t explain that any more than I can explain anything else in this bizarre phenomenon, and I have no intention of trying.
The dramatis personae for the “Morlock” story is are follows:
Jesse Merlin as Professor Leopold Morlock, a thousand year-old insane genius with supernatural powers who wants to rule the world by transplanting the brain of a beautiful girl into a gorilla (or vice-versa; I can never quite figure that out).
Mara Marini as Janet Lawton, ace investigative reporter for The Dispatch who is always poking her nose into Morlock’s nefarious scheme and who inevitably manages to wind up in the last scene in the movie tied up wearing only her underwear.
Amy Ball as Amanda Globe, a former nurse at the insane asylum Morlock was committed to who became his slave until she moved to an alien planet and acquired super powers so that she could return to earth and do battle with him (yeah, it’s that kind of a saga).
Tom Ackerman* as Ruprecht, Morlock’s evil assistant.
Jonny M. as Jack Mannix, a no-nonsense cop who always saves his girlfriend Janet Lawton at the last minute by busting in and blowing Morlock back to hell.
Robin Greenspan as Priscilla, a sexy zombie with a massive rack.
Glenn Simon as Brick Stockman, Amanda’s square-jawed fiancé.
Jaz Davison as Olga, a gypsy mind reader who channels Morlock from hell whenever Merlin walked off the set in a salary dispute.
Stephanie Fredricks as the Goddess of Darkness, Morlock’s bride.
Winston the Wonder Pug as himself
Paige Simon as Morlock’s daughter.
Joseph “Crispy”Bacon as Olga’s mute son.
James Cleveland as Günter, Morlock’s brutal sex slave.
Edward G. Robinson as Ed Thicke, editor of The Dispatch.
*Also played by Robert DeNiro and Steve Peterson when Ackerman’s addiction to reefer made him unable to perform.
If you're too terrified to go further, click on the madbeast logo below and it will take you safely back to madbeast.com. Otherwise, continue at your own risk. The “Morlock” saga continues to grow and time will only tell if I will ultimately throw off its yoke or if it will consume me. But when you’re dealing with a thousand year-old insane genius with supernatural powers, time isn’t all that much of an issue.
