For years Jon ran a fantasy baseball league called the CLB (Computer League Baseball) that was famous for
its pornographic newsletters. This photo shows the six guys who won the championship in the first 11 years of the
league's
existence.. Clockwise from center: Glenn Simon (holding championship plate), Dave Eck, Reese Timm,
Jon, Eddie Frierson, and Al Taylor.
Some notable figures
from CLB history
CLB Dictator for Life, the unspeakably
evil Dr. Marcus Ringer.
Glendale Swaggering Stud owner
Joe Mullich, who installed
himself
as the club's first baseman in a
desperate attempt to
win the MVP Award.
Bangkok Obesquious Marauder of Death owner and toupee magante
Ken Summers.
CLB founder John Breckenridge (R)
presents the 1992 Church Plate to
the league's most unpopular
owner
Marvin T. Runyan of the
Tennessee Valley Authority.
TVA slugger Terrible Herbst was
poised to be the greatest star in
CLB history until the constant
badgering from owner Runyan
derailed his career.
Nairobi catcher Felton Jones who
suffered a near career-ending injury
in 1992 when he slipped in a brick of
his own fecal matter, but came back to
be the most popular player in CLB history.
The greatest all-around player in
CLB history was Barstow's Stan Klunk,
who was paid starvation wages by the
team despite winning 6 MVP Awards
and 20 Gold Gloves.
Nairobi shortstop Bunt Dopabod, who played 2,842 consectutive games because of his psychopathic insecurity.
Christy Mathewson, who won more
games and struck out more batters than
any pitcher in CLB history despite
suffering from crippling drug addiction.
New England Clam Slammer owner Craven Morehead inspects the motion
of his new pitching sensation Kammaniwannalaya. Morehead defied
the "gentleman's agreement" within the CLB by signing
a Hawaiian player.
Jacksonville BVD owner and noted pornographer John Kane escorts
two employees to a game.
The legendary "Miracle Elvis" portrait in the CLB Hall of Fame.
It is said that one glance at the painting can cure any ailment.
The "Buddah Compuddah" (now on display at the CLB
Hall of Fame) which Basra owner Ken Summers always
used to make his draft picks. The team did not make the
Church Plate Series in the first two decades of its existence.
CLB Broadcasts
The
CLB was notorious for its broadcasts of the All Star Game and
championship Church Plate Series, which was a computer baseball
game videotaped by pushing a camera up to the screen as a bunch
of drunken guys wearing rubber masks provided inane play-by play.
Some of the more popular announcers in CLB history are:
Sam Grunion
The voice of the CLB. and
a darned good lookin' man. Grunion was
unable to
enjoy his success because
of his constant fretting over
the infidelities of his lovely
wife June, who was 40
years younger
than him.
Johnny Schmarm
A hopeless alcoholic
legendary for his schilling
of sponsor Buttwiper
Beer
and his insistence that
routine fly balls would
be towering
homeruns
until they were actually in
the outfielders' glove.
Ebb Tide
A southern rube who
provided surprisingly
insightful commentary
despite rumors of his being
profoundly brain damaged. Known for
calling broadcasts
in the nude.
Van "The Tap" DuBoise
The first person of color to
join the CLB broadcast
team, whose
bitterness
at his harsh treatment when
he called radio broadcasts
for Negro League teams
was still very evident in
his commentary.
Sparky Jenson Baritone
color commentator
for CLB broadcasts, noted
for his hard-hitting
interviews with CLB personalities.
Longtime lover of
Mt. Rainer
Pugancious
Pilots owner Al Taylor.
Sum Dum Fuk
The greatest relief pitcher
in CLB history, Fuk would
provide
color commentary
on post-game broadcasts
despite the fact that
no one
understood what he
was saying.
Dave Hall
The superstar owner/
player/manager was the
most volatile figure in CLB
history, and would frequently
threaten his fellow broad-
casters
with an automatic
pistol during broadcasts.
Pigworthy Manhattan
By far the least popular
member of the CLB
broadcast team, Manhattan
was devastated by the death
of his longtime companion
Redd Foxx
and spent the
remainder of his life vainly
campaigning to win
an
Emmy Award.
The 1992 All Star Game telecast
Jeff Simon
The
most unpopular figure in the history of the CLB by far was Jamaica
Dreds owner Jeff Simon (left). It was a great day on August
21, 1993 when the hated Simon was brutally murdered by Dreds
first baseman Torrance Dumplin (center), who decapitated the
repulsive owner and donated the head to the CLB Hall of fame.
The decaying head (right) remains the museum's most popular
exhibit, although it is now displayed behind bulletproof glass
to prevent visitors from pelting it with rotten vegetables and
fecal matter.
