You're laying in bed in the middle of the night to find Jonny standing over you in the darkness, creepily watching you sleep. You: Command your Chihuahua to tear him limb from limb. Play the accordion until his head explodes. Throw a piece of erotic crockery at him. Turn up the Yoko Ono record you have playing in the background to drive him away. Ignore him, convincing yourself that he's just a hallucination from the previous night's drinking binge. Call him an asspotato and put him to work cleaning your garage. Next Question   You're at a social function when you see Jonny appear unexpectedly without an invitation. You: Yammer incoherently so that he can't get a word in edgewise. Ask him what he thinks of the tee-shirt you're wearing bearing the logo of a Seattle sports team. Tell him an interminable anecdote you've written about your day at Starbuck's. Hit him over the head with the restraining order you've filed against him. Tell him you're thrilled to see him because you're itching to tell somebody about your latest acting job in a student film for deferred pay. Get him to leave by telling him that the next activity is a screening of the film Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom Next Question   Jonny comes to your door begging to borrow money. You: Hastily peck out an article about wiring for some website that caters to techno nerds and tell Jonny he can have the cash as soon as you send them an invoice for it. Give him a diamond necklace given to you by a millionaire admirer; but only if Jonny promises to stop stalking you. Try to change the subject by ranting what a pussy of a hockey player Wayne Gretsky was. Endorse a seventy-eight cent residual check for a commecial you made in 1983 over to him. Offer to sell some of your "Doctor Who" paperbacks on eBay to raise cash. Open the loose brick from a wall in your government-assisted housing project and peel off a few bills from a stack of drug money that was left behind from the previous tenant. Next Question   It's Jonny's birthday on December 15th. Your gift to him is: Taking him on a road trip to Tijuana where Jonny can bail your out after you get arrested for urinating on a wall in a back alley. A bottle of vodka which you immediately guzzle all the contents of. Asspotato Cookies. A couple of digitzed photos of you in a pink bikini that Jonny can Photoshop into any bizarre scenario that he wants. Telling him that he's a genius but undercutting the compliment by assuring him that you're a genius too. A DVD of Glibert & Sullivan's Iolanthe. Next Question  You find yourself as the subject of a Jonny's Enemies List entry. You react by: Filling the comment section with an array of emoticons. Riding your bike to a distant mountain, hiking to the top of the mountain, doing three hours of yoga when you reach the summit, and then drinking a bottle of whiskey and passing out in your own vomit. Getting revenge by casting Jonny in a one-act play where he makes his first entrance after loudly masturbating offstage. Hugging a piece of erotic crockery and complaining to your cat that no one repects you. Diverting your attention from being mocked by staring at your empty trophy case. Calling Jonny an asspotato.