The Top 25 Hack Werker Covers of 2019

Of all the stupid things that I am celebrated for doing, I expect the one that has gotten me the most notoriety is the covers I create for the pulp fiction novels written by Hack Werker. Many people are under the misapprehension that Hack and I are one and the same, which I am overwhelmed to assure you is not the case. Hack is a sordid loser who lives in a van that is stored in the parking lot of the Shakey's Pizza Parlor in which he is employed as a janior, and his every waking moment that is not devoted to scraping kiddie puke off the floor of that establishment's penny arcade is spent writing some of the worst narrative fiction that was ever crapped out in human history. Through a series of events that are too elaborate to go into here, I am contractually obligated to created the artwork for the covers of Hack's books, and believe me that those pictures are far more interesting than the prose that follows. Truth be told, I frequently ignore the content of the book and even sometime make up new titles. That has less impact than you might think because most of the retrobates who read the things are essentially illiterate and only buy them to have their one crony who made it past the second grade read aloud the graphic sex scenes that take place every third page.

Hack had an unusually busy year this year and my original intension was to display the top 10 book covers for 2019. But since he was so prolific and there were so many to choose from, I was forced to widen the net to include the top 25 (and even then I had to make a lot of painful exclusions). So, for the enjoyment of anyone who is actually still reading this idiocy, here are my 25 favorite Hack Werker covers of 2019.

25. Handsome Heroes of Danger Island
 

The beautiful Lisa Glass is taken prisoner by a group of soulless mindless villains who plan to subject her to a fate worse than death until Jonny and Boris show up to subject her to a fate worse than death.

24. Agent 99
 

I made a series of book covers featuring celebrity crushes that I've had over the decades and this one featuring Get Smart's Barbara Feldon is one of my favorites. Not only is it erotically charged but Jonny and Boris are KAOS agents (the arch nemesis of Agent 99's CONTROL) who are happy to turn over top secret information to her in exchange for a night of unforgettable nastiness, so it's got a good story too.

23. Harvey: The Feeding
 

When my Facebook friends French and Vanessa Stewart starred in Harvey at the Laguna Playhouse, I sucked up to them by making a series of covers where the titular pooka was a homicidal monster from a horror film. Good times.

22. The Battle of Yorktown Airport
 

I made this on July 4th after our brilliant president claimed that Revolutionary soldiers defended 18th century airports.
 
Jesus.

21. Wino
 

My Facebook friend Sara J. Stuckey enjoys the occasional glass of vino, a harmless diversion that I perverted into this. I regret nothing.

20. Reefer Whore
 

Reefer is the number one scourge of any Hack Werker novel and in this tome, it sinks its talons into my buddy Glenn Simon, who becomes a gay prostitute to afford his fix. This cover is framed and hanging in my living room.

19. Ziegfeld Whore
 

This was one of Hack's first titles of this year and the cover hangs in my bathroom and never fails to give me a chuckle. When the great actress Nancy Sullivan saw herself depicted in it, she commented "Damn you SD Johnnies! I coulda been a contender...."

18. Surprise Party
 

I put an inordinate amount of work in on this one as a tribute to my friend Donna's birthday, but there was yet another obscene mass shooting the day prior and in a rare display of good taste, I decided not to post it. Here it is for the first time.

17. The Escape of Eleanor of Aquitaine
 

Hack and I saw the great Frances Fisher star in The Lion in Winter at the Laguna Playhouse and Hack loved it so much that he wrote this adaptation of the story. It's not remotely historically accurate (Hack doesn't believe in doing research) but it's a surprisingly compelling read.

16. Escape from Danger
 

I wish that I really had one of those on the back of my car.

15. Jonny Knockout
 

Jonny Knockout brutalizes Bro Joe while Frances Fisher becomes aroused while watching my manly physique doling out the carnage. It's like a scene taken from my real life.

14. Father's Day
 

My friend Micah Watterson tells me that every time he's tagged in one of these things, he knows that he'll probably be pictured in some homosexual scenario. Micah just married a very attractive woman and I have begged Hack not to depict him in this fashion, but he ignores me. I suspect Hack (an open bisexual) has a crush on Micah.

13. Justifiable Homicide
 

I spent a week doing a series of covers where people I know murdered me. Some people found it morbid but I think it's hilarious. This is my favorite one.

12. Mankini
 

One day while we were having brunch, the subject of manikinis came up. I threatened to make a cover depicting one of my friends in the garment but he threatened me with violence if I did, so I used myself instead. I think that it's a good look for me.

11. The Client was a Maneater
 

Another of my Celebrity Crush series featuring the great Kate Micucci of the musical duo Garfunkel & Oates (hence her bumping off of her namesake in the band John Oates; the title is a reference to one of his hits with Hall & Oates.). I met Ms. Micucci at a function once and was so starstruck that I was barely able to speak and made a complete fool of myself. In other words, it was like every other interaction I've ever had with a woman.

10. Intensive Care Unit
 

I made this one on the fourth anniversary of my heart attack to comemorate my dear friend Harmony Sanchez visiting me in the ICU. She insists that her visit didn't really play out like this although whenever I remember it, this is exactly how it happened.

9. The Client Was a Corpse
 

Hack's "The Client Was a..." series centers around a private detective agency run by myself and my beloved pug Boris. This is my favorite one because it actually has a story that I'd be interested in reading and the great Sara J. Stuckey makes a smokin' hot heiress.

8. Desperado
 

Of all my celebrity crushes, Linda Ronstadt is the one that I'm the most devoted to. I may dally around with the likes of Kate Micucci and Barbara Feldon, but it's always Linda who I come back to.

7. Death at the Door
 

The great actress Liesel Hanson has one of the most delightful and charismatic faces I've ever seen. We don't know each other terribly well but when I saw this photo of her, I knew that it had to adourn a Hack Werker cover. Fortunately for me, Ms. Hanson was amused by it because I don't think that I can afford to defend myself against yet another restraining order.

6. April Fool
 

This was made to celebrate April Fool's Day, with my fantasy girlfriend Frances Fisher seeming to finally give into my carnal advances only to destroy my dreams when a bucket of ice water comes cascading down on me as I walk though her door to the sadistic laughter of her onlooking cronies. Can someone explain to me who thought this was a good idea for a holiday in the first place?

5. Mary Ann's Island
 

A friend of mine is a friend of someone who is a close friend of Dawn Wells. The friend of a friend thought this cover was a riot and said that she would forward it to Ms. Wells, and a positive reaction from her would have made my life. Alas, I never heard anything so I have to assume that either A) she forgot or B) Ms. Wells wasn't amused by it. I'm going to assume that it's the latter because the thing is freaking hilarious.

4. Red State Stud
 

My friend Eddie Frierson is an anti-Trump liberal Democrat, so of course I love depicting him as a MAGA hat-wearing redneck.

3. Queens of the Underworld
 

One of the great challenge of this particular art form is that 99% of the photographs taken of any random person depicts them staring blankly at a camera smiling like a hyena, which is fine for you people but does nothing for me when I am trying to Photoshop you into an embarrassing scenario. One of the many things I love about my pals Lacie and Robin is that they have a wonderful vlog on YouTube where I can grab screenshots of them displaying any number of facial expression and use them for my own perverse means. I made this one for Lacie's birthday and spent a lot of time getting pix of them with the right looks on their faces. It was time well spent.

2. Jonny M: The Unauthorized Biography
 

I objected to Hack writing about my life at the beginning, but this is one of the few books he's written that is well-researched and thoroughly accurate.

1. Bad Girl Alley
 

There is nothing about this cover that I don't love. The great Roses Prichard and Sara J. Stuckey were ideal models and Boris and I were depicted in a totally plausible environment for us. I would actually read this thing.