Once upon a
time (actually it was in 2000, but I need to make this crap sound
like a kiddys fairy tale so I dont lose my public funding)
there was an enchanted little county called Palm Beach. It was a
beautiful place with perfect sandy beaches, clean air, and complicated
tax laws that made it an attractive place for the ultra-rich to
buy real estate.
lived there hated the dump. Because it was run by the evil and bombastic
Duke Jeb. Duke Jeb was the twisted bastard son of King George I,
who ran the kingdom so pathetically that he was voted out of power
by pissed off townspeople. But after eight years of dealing with
the current king who liked to party with movie stars and place DNA
samples on the dresses of female interns, Duke Jeb felt the time
was right to sell his simpleton brother to the good people of the
kingdom as George II. George the Simpleton was a lame speechmaker
and had to obscure his past history of cocaine abuse and general
incompetence while in public service, but after a massive publicity
campaign and endorsements by Bob Hope and Arnold Swartzeneggar,
he was neck-and-neck in the voting with Prince Al the Colorless,
with Sir Ralph the Hopeless lagging fruitlessly behind.
the Simpleton and Duke Jeb were the sons of George I.
an outrage, smirked George the Simpleton (who actually smirked
when he said anything.) Ive spent millions of pieces of gold
so that I can carry on our fathers legacy of incompetence
and economic disaster, only to find myself running neck-and-neck
with a guy who sleeps in a full suit and tie and claims to have
invented the Internet while writing two books on the environment
and banning the latest album by Metallica! What is to be done?
Its not a problem, hissed the evil Duke Jeb. Since
the election was so close here in Palm Beach County, we will simply
have a run-off between you and the monotonous Prince Al. And since
I am the guy calling the shots in this territory, I will schedule
the election on Christmas Day, when everyone is too busy with merriment
and holiday activities to notice as we stuff the ballot box in your
favor. The only trick now is to find someone to be our pollster
at the election place who is so idiotic that he wont discover
our plan. Who can we find who is that stupid?
At about this
time, a young muse named Jonny M. was being fired from his job as
the lead in a Thanksgiving-themed porno film. Hired because of his
unusual ability to become aroused at the sight of a turkeys
anal cavity, the producers became frustrated at the need to use
an ultra-zoom lens to try and capture Jonnys microscopic penis
on camera. Given his walking papers, Jonny sighed sadly and opened
Drama-Logue to try and find a new gig. His eyes lit up when he spotted
the ad reading Earn good money while you practice your craft!
Election Pollster wanted at Palm Beach County. Nudity required.
mood grew sour as the Christmas Day election grew near. Many pollsters
applied for the job, but all of them boasted a 1st, 2nd, or even
3rd grade education, with far too much cranial development to be
the mindless puppet that he was looking for. The seedy Machiavellian
was ready to give up his complex plan and simply stage a military
coup, when the happy figure of Jonny M. came bounding into his well-appointed
office. One look at Jonnys sloping forehead, eyebrow ridges
and mismatched Goranimal ensemble made Duke Jeb realize that he
had found his man.
Jeb knew that he had found his man.
a very uncomplicated job, my boy said Jeb as he put his greasy
arm around Jonnys shoulder. We wanted a fair election, plain
and simple. Your job is to give people their ballots and make sure
that theres no monkey business at the polls.
Christmas Day an unusual time for an election? asked the muse,
mindful that this stupid story had only the loosest connection to
the holiday so he was trying to make whatever association he could.
responded Duke Jeb as sweat dripped down his forehead, but
since Christmas is the one day of the year that brings out the most
noble parts of peoples spirits, were certain that no
one will try any fraudulent activities that day.
for me, beamed Jonny naively. And since the election
falls on Christmas Day, maybe I can give out candy canes and lead
the voters in spirited renditions of such holiday favorites as Silent
Night, The Dradle Song and Ill Be Home For Kwansa
whatever smirked Jeb (who shared many of his brothers
facial mannerisms), handing Jonny a form. Just make sure that
the voters all get a ballot like this.
eyes widened in horror as he beheld the run-off ballot. It was a
mishmash of confusing cross-references and vagaries that made it
seem like no matter what candidate you voted for, the vote went
to a single man: George the Simpleton.
eyes widened in horror at the complex ballot.
this isnt the ballot people will be using when they vote?
asked the pompous muse. A democratic election is the most
sacred thing that a free society can have, yet this ballot seems
like it was composed by an autarchic dictatorship. What gives?
not your job to ask questions! snapped Duke Jeb, who wondered
how the hell an idiot like Jonny got off with using words like autarchic.
If you want the buck seventy five an hour and free donuts
that the job pays, youll do as I say!
The muse didnt
sleep a wink that Christmas Eve, and even a visit from Santa Claus
(who brutally gang-raped Jonny and left him for dead, in a story
that will be related in a future Jonny Card) could not ease the
noble muses mind. The election was being fixed in the favor
of George the Simpleton, and if the muse didnt do something
about it, he was going to be subjected to four years of the guys
obnoxious smirk and mind-numbing ignorance of world affairs. Jonny
knew he had to take action.
It was always
Jonnys custom to wake up early on Christmas day so that he
could drink egg nog and send hate mail to the bastards who didnt
send him Christmas Cards after he had sent them one of these stupid
things that he had slaved for hours on; but with the election taking
place, Jonny got up even earlier than usual. Jonny awoke before
the sun was up to walk the streets, taking in the dazzling lights,
the joyous music and the good will that we show to each other in
very special ways at this joyous time of year. The muses heart
soared at being part of this glorious race of people, and was happy
in the knowledge that every man and woman that he passed was his
brother or sister in the human family. He flashed every man, woman
and child he passed on the street his crooked yellow smile, and
knew that the radiant gaze they returned before they ran screaming
from his hideous appearance indicated a autonomous spirit who deserved
to have their God-given freedom protected.
But when he
turned the corner to take his job the polling place, his heart sank.
Nazi Stormtroopers that were hired in from the Pasadena Police Department
were already there to intimidate voters, and the muse was shocked
to see an African American man being given a humiliating sobriety
test by a hideously deformed officer named Wiley before he was even
allowed to enter the polling place.
the meaning of this? demanded an outraged Jonny to Wiley as
the would-be voter was ordered to try and walk a straight line with
his trousers at his ankles and a plunger shoved squarely up his
rectum before he was allowed to enter the polling place. Why
are you treating these people in this barbaric manner just for trying
to exercise they cherished right to vote on this holiest of holy
was shocked at Wileys actions.
was trying to vote with his head up his ass, sneered the hideous
Wiley (which is a really funny line to anybody who knows anything
about my sobriety test by some bastard cops.) Ive been
ordered to test anybody who looks suspicious and throw them in the
clink if they make any trouble. Do you want to join them? Now leave
me alone so I can order this guy to walk into a bush.
on you! roared Jonny self-righteously. A free election
is for everyone, not just for the people who you decide are fit
to vote. And on this day of days, we must strive to reach deep within
ourselves and find our noblest spirit, that which will allow us
to love our adversaries and rise above our baser instinct.
This is usually
the part in the card where the antagonist sees the light, but since
Wiley was an asshole, he just clubbed Jonny over the head and went
back to hazing the poor voter. Jonny miserably picked himself up
and walked into the polling place with his armful of empty ballots
to begin his task. Despite his aching noggin from Wileys assault,
he greeted each voter with a smile and a cheerful Merry Christmas,
and the voting went smoothly and happily for all.
At five oclock,
Duke Jeb showed up at the polls in an armored truck to take the
ballots back to his dank castle to be tabulated and have his brother
crowned as George II. The local despot flashed his usual obnoxious
smirk as he entered the building, happy in the knowledge that the
ballots he designed made it impossible for someone to cast his vote
for anybody but George the Simpleton.
here to take the ballots, sneered Duke Jeb. Make it
snappy; we have to count all my brothers votes and throw out
the ones for Prince Al because the ballot was designed so that if
you voted for him, you also voted for the candidates from the Libertarian
Party, the Green Party and the Playboy Mansion Party, thus nullifying
go, said Jonny, handing the evil Duke the ballots.
went white with rage as he beheld the forms in his hands. Instead
of the ultra-complicated ballots that he had designed, Jonny had
stopped by Kinkos on the way to the polls and replaced them
with simple sheets of paper that had the candidates names listed
alphabetically and a box to check for who you wanted. Duke Jebs
anger neared the boiling point as he beheld the first twenty or
thirty ballots, all of which had the box next to Prince Al the Colorless.
you! sputtered the narcissistic despot. Why I...
you! countered Jonny smugly. The right to cast a vote
is among the most sacred in a free society, and to try and compromise
that process is a sin under any circumstances. But on this day of
days, when we celebrate the unity of the human spirit and recognize
the value of each individual as someone who touches our lives in
a very special way; to employ subterfuge and deceit today is a crime
against the forces of nature itself! Christmas Day is a time of
love and joy and honesty, and to engage in any type of duplicity
on this most special of holidays makes a sham of our cherished celebration!
eyes narrowed into hateful slits as he motioned his Pasadena Policemen
to surround Jonny, and the muses heart sank to think that
this was the end...
The people of the Kingdom waited breathlessly by their televisions
to watch the results of the election. As each county turned in its
results, the contest looked like a tennis match; first in Prince
Als favor, next in George the Simpletons. All three
networks gave Duke Jebs principality to Prince Al at first,
but as the ballots came in, it became too close to call and finally
it all came down to the county of Palm Beach. Finally, the hand
counting of Jonnys home-made ballots were complete, and Duke
Jeb and his brother George the Simpleton strode out from his stately
balcony to announce the winner.
I say who won intoned Duke Jeb, let me say that I learned
a great lesson on this Christmas Day. I was prepared to do anything
in my power to get my brother elected by any means. But after pondering
the true meaning of this most special of holidays, I concluded that
what is most important is not the holding of individual glory, but
of making sure that each citizens rights are safeguarded and
protected all of the days of the year.
no want be big guy, announced George the Simpleton.
brother is trying to say, explained Duke Jeb, is that
just because we were born into a family that has deeply rooted political
connections and billions of dollars to buy political connections,
our inbred ambition is not enough to qualify us to run the country.
And as we stand before you on this glorious Christmas morning, we
realize that the true meaning of this day is to give the best of
yourself to your fellow man, and not try to force upon them ideas
and priorities that they may not share with you. So we are withdrawing
from the race, and urging you to vote for the only person with the
compassion and depth to run the country ... Barbra Streisand!
So all was happiness
in the kingdom. Barbra Streisand proved an able and compassionate
ruler for two weeks, until her egotism and inexperience drove the
country into political and economic chaos. George the Simpleton
returned to his true love, snorting cocaine by the barrel. Duke
Jeb continued to rule Palm Beach County with an iron fist, until
an investigation launched by Amnesty International saw him tossed
in prison for election fraud. Prince Al the Colorless bored himself
to death. Officer Wiley was shot in the head by a psychotic motorist
who was pushed over the edge by Wileys abuse when he pulled
him over for a minor traffic violation. But despite these scandals,
everyone in the kingdom realized that they could still cherish each
others spirit of humanity in the face of economic realties,
and keep the Spirit of Christmas alive 365 days a year.
of all was Jonny M. As he basqued in the glory of his new friends
hard fought freedoms, he took a final look into the Christmas sky,
and headed towards the Pasadena Police Department, where he was
serving a two million dollar lawsuit for gross intimidation.
And happy holidays
to you, my friend. Whether you are celebrating Christmas or Hannukah
or just looking forward to getting truly hammered on New Years Eve,
take a moment to ponder the freedom that you enjoy because of the
hard work of those that came before you, and know that you always
have a loving friend in Jonny M.
Advance to the next Jonny