For
years Jon ran a fantasy baseball league called the CLB (Computer
League Baseball) that was famous for its pornographic newsletters.
This photo shows the six guys who won the championship in the league's
11 year history. Clockwise from center: Glenn Simon (holding championship
plate), Dave Eck, Reese Timm, Jon, Eddie Frierson, and Al Taylor.
Some notable figures
from CLB history
CLB Dictator for Life, the unspeakably evil Dr. Marcus Ringer.
Glendale Swaggering Stud owner Joe Mullich, who installed
hinself as the club's first baseman in a desperate attempt to
win the MVP Award.
Bangkok Obesquious Marauder of Death owner and toupee magante
Ken Summers.
Star outfielder
Glenn T. "Piece of Shit" Simon,
a damned
handsome man.
Nairobi Plains Gorillas superstars Felton Jones, Doc Zaius, and
Christy Mathewson. Jones remains the most popular player in CLB
history.
The
Miracle Elvis was a gift to the
CLB from Eddie Frierson and his
brother-in-law Cam Gabrielsen, who purchased it from a guy selling
velvet paintings on a lonely southern road.
New England Clam Slammer owner Craven Morehead inspects the motion
of his new pitching sensation Kammaniwannalaya. Morehead defied
the "gentleman's agreement" within the CLB by signing
a Hawaiian player.
Jacksonville BVD owner and noted pornographer John Kane escorts
two employees to a game.
Tennessee Valley Authority pitcher Eddie Frierson accepts the
1996 MVP Award from Barstow Beasts owner Jon Mullich.
Lincoln Continental second baseman Sigmund Liszt is mesmerized
by the club's Gandhi-like general manager Reese Timm.
CLB Broadcasts
The
CLB was notorious for its broadcasts of the All Star Game and
championship Church Plate Series, which was a computer baseball
game videotaped by pushing a camera up to the screen as a bunch
of drunken guys wearing rubber masks provided inane play-by play.
Some of the more popular announcers in CLB history are:
Sam Grunion
The voice of the CLB. and a darned good lookin' man. Grunion was
unable to enjoy his success because of his constant fretting over
the infidelities of his lovely wife June, who was 40 years younger
than him.
Johnny Schmarm
A hopeless alcoholic legendary for his schilling of sponsor Buttwiper
Beer and his insistence that routine fly balls would be towering
homeruns until they were actually in the outfielders' glove.
Ebb Tide
A southern rube who provided surprisingly insightful commentary
despite rumors of his being profoundly brain damaged. Known for
calling broadcasts in the nude.
Van "The Tap" DuBoise
The first person of color to join the CLB broadcast team, whose
bitterness at his harsh treatment when he called radio broadcasts
for Negro League teams was still very evident in his commentary.
Sparky Jenson Baritone
color commentator for CLB broadcasts, noted for his hard-hitting
interviews with CLB personalities. Longtime lover of Mt. Rainer
Pugancious Pilots owner Al Taylor.
Sum Dum Fuk
The greatest relief pitcher in CLB history, Fuk would provide
color commentary on post-game broadcasts despite the fact that
no one understood what he was saying.
Dave Hall
The superstar player/manager was the most volatile figure in CLB
history, and would frequently threaten his fellow broadcasters
with an automatic pistol during broadcasts.
Pigworthy Manhattan
By far the least popular member of the CLB broadcast team, Manhattan
was devastated by the death of his longtime companion Redd Foxx
and spent the remainder of his life vainly campaigning to win
an Emmy Award.
The 1992 All Star Game telecast
Jeff Simon
The
most unpopular figure in the history of the CLB by far was Jamaica
Dreds owner Jeff Simon (left). It was a great day on August
21, 1993 when the hated Simon was brutally murdered by Dreds
first baseman Torrance Dumplin (center), who decapitated the
repulsive owner and donated the head to the CLB Hall of fame.
The decaying head (right) remains the museum's most popular
exhibit, although it is now displayed behind bulletproof glass
to prevent visitors from pelting it with rotten vegetables and
fecal matter.
