10 is the Loneliest Number

by Jon Mullich on April 17, 2015

The North Hollywood 10, a Twitter group passionately devoted to passing Actors Equity Association new 99-seat theatre proposal (of which I wrote so brilliantly in my last entry). I have no idea who is connected to the NoHo 10, nor do I have any desire to. If I did, I would have advised them to add an 11th guy who’s savvy about using social media, since their campaign to date has been unimaginatively tired missives that “actors deserve to be paid” and lashing out at anyone who disagrees with them as being “anti-union” (they applied that tag to Los Angeles Assemblymember Ian Calderon when he spoke out in support of small theatre in the city, despite his unblemished record of pro-union support). But this has been a take-no-prisoners war from the beginning. Actors Equity has steadfastly contended that everyone in 99-seat theatre gets paid handsomely except the actors, and to prove their point e-mailed the testimonial of a person who claimed that her back-breaking childcare costs weren’t covered by the tiny stipend she made. But when it came out that the person in question was actually bellyaching about a job she had taken as a director and not an actor, no one backed down on the assertion that only actors were placed in a dicey financial proposition taking part in intimate theatre.

For all the soap-boxing the NoHo 10 has done about being professional artists, I haven’t found their social networking campaign to be either professional or artistic. The one original graphic they’ve tweeted is a sloppy-looking graph:
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A Brief History of Intimate Theatre in Los Angeles

by Jon Mullich on April 14, 2015

 

Actors’ Equity Association, which dragged my ass out of retirement on an undisclosed sun-baked tropical beach in order to chew them out for their facacta scheme to gut Los Angeles’ 99-seat theatre plan. For those of you who don’t have their finger on the pulse of the entertainment industry like I do, Equity is the professional stage actors’ union whose primary focus is on the New York theatre. Its second-largest collection of members reside in the Los Angeles area, a city with a population of 3,862,839 (my pug Winston put these numbers together for me when he was drunk so I can’t vouch for their accuracy, although they’re about as valid as the statistics Equity has crapped out to support their zany antics). Of those 3,862,839 people, 3,645,857 are actors who came to LA to become superstars in movies and TV. Show business being the cruel bitch that it is, precisely .0000000000001% of those actors have the careers that they fantasized about before coming here. A slightly larger percentage earn their incomes making commercials, doing cameo roles in TV shows, and appearing as dead bodies in sequels to The Fast and Furious. The rest wait tables, serve as part-time accountants and write inane blogs about their enemies as they toil and sacrifice to try and make their acting dreams come true. [click to continue…]

On Hiatus

by Jon Mullich on January 13, 2015

Jonny’s Top 10 Enemies of 2014

by Jon Mullich on January 9, 2015

What a year 2014 was! I made my return to acting after a long self-imposed hiatus by playing Thomas Jefferson in Three Really Offensive Scenes about the Founding Fathers, a title that doesn’t begin to express how disgusting the thing actually was. I began an obsession with creating mock covers for pulp fiction novels and with a faux horror movie franchise about a mysterious character named Professor Morlock that everyone got sick of long before I was finished with it. My beloved pug Winston built on his reputation as the most photographed dog on the social network. And my violent sessions of masturbation continued despite constant pressure from the US government to have me chemically castrated. [click to continue…]

Santa Merlin

by Jon Mullich on December 19, 2014

Santa Merlin

My Number One enemy of 2013 Jesse Merlin, who is doing his damndest to be named my Number One enemy of 2014. I saw Mr. Merlin in a delightful production entitled Christmas Smackdown in which my nemesis and a group of other dubious characters performed some charmingly cynical Yuletide anti-carols composed by Cynthia Carle and Mark Nutter. It was an enjoyable diversion until Mr. Merlin came out dressed as Santa Claus and sang a song about how he was only doing the job for the insurance coverage. Those of you who took the time to read my annual Christmas story Jonny’s Hollywood Christmas (those of you who didn’t can burn in hell) know that I cast Mr. Merlin as the antagonist of the piece, a surly egomaniac named Jesse Merlin. While I took some artistic liberties with the character (primarily to make him more likable than his real-life namesake, who is about as congenial as a case of ebola virus), it was a fairly even-handed depiction of what Mr. Merlin is actually like. It was therefore disconcerting to me to watch him slither about the stage dressed as Saint Nicholas. With Christmas less than a week away, I’ve done what I can to erase the memory of Santa Merlin from my consciousness (primarily through the imbibement of lots and lots of alcohol) but if that deep-voiced bastard comes crawling down my chimney on Christmas Eve, I’m sicking my beloved pug Winston on him. The most damage an obese pug with a perpetually sunny disposition would inflict on an intruder might be to lick him to death, but I’m hoping that the sight of Winston’s fat ass suddenly lunging at him will be enough to send Santa Merlin scampering back up the chimney before he can make any trouble. But I do hope he’ll stay just long enough to leave the bucket of coal that Kris Kringle gives me every year. Whenever Mr. Merlin enters a room the temperature seems to drop about ten degrees, so I can really use the heat.

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Multiple Models of Mara Marini

by Jon Mullich on December 12, 2014

Bobbi Crachette (played by Mara Marini) stands in awe of Mara Marini (played by Mara Marini) in “Jonny's Hollywood Christmas”

Enemies List favorite Mara Marini. Jonny’s Hollywood Christmas, my annual yuletide story which serves as the centerpiece for my Christmas Extravaganza, premiered last week and the debut was met with its usual avalanche of comments on the social network. Ms. Marini characteristically gave the most effusive and thoughtful response to my work, complimenting not only the story but also praising areas of the micro-site that few even take the time to look at like the Advertisements and Games pages and my annual video Christmas message (which was ironic, since this year’s message was a plea for my fans to donate money to launch a legal defense against Ms. Marini’s attorneys’ plan to put me in prison for my ceaseless cyber-stalking of her). The story was only a slightly exaggerated retelling of movie star Jesse Merlin’s attempt to win an Academy Award by starring in a movie of my life and releasing it on Christmas Day, with Ms. Marini being depicted in the dual role of herself and as Bobbi Crachette, Merlin’s abused assistant who finds herself cast in the role of Mara Marini after the real Mara Marini storms off the set. The real Mara Marini (as opposed to the one played by Bobbi Crachette or the “real” one who was made up for the story) was delighted with the result and told me that she’d love to have the sexy outfits she was Photoshopped in. I would presume she included in that statement yet another embodiment of Mara Marini depicted on the site in an advertisement for Jonny University, where she teaches a class in Social Media that shows you how to get 10,000 “likes” on every picture you post on Instragram,
provided that you look like Mara Marini and all your pictures are of you in a bikini. Ms. Marini closed her thoughtful comments by telling me that she played the “Which of Jonny’s Enemies Are You” game on the site and proved its accuracy by getting Mara Marini as her result. Of course, with so many Mara Marinis to choose from that doesn’t really tell you much. But whatever version of Mara Marini she got in the game, I’d say she walked away a winner.
 

Mara Marini's social media class at Jonny University

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The 25th Annual Jonny Christmas Extravaganza

by Jon Mullich on December 5, 2014

For Christmas of 1990, I hastily scraped together a little booklet containing a story called Jonny, the King and the Gaseous Dragon in which a young “muse” named Jonny M. (and to this day, I don’t quite understand what I mean by “muse”) saved the kingdom of Graceland from a flatulent flying lizard. It was crude (the illustrations were cut out of a National Enquirer article about Elvis) but it was also pretty funny, and I had so much fun making it that I made another slightly more elaborate one the next year. And the next. It gradually grew to be something of an institution amongst my growing circle of Jonny Pals, from the lows of Jonny’s Prison Christmas, A Jonny Carol and Jonny’s Wild West Christmas to the highs of Jonny’s Terrorist Christmas, Jonny’s Easter Christmas and Jonny’s Same-Sex Marriage Christmas, with many people telling me that it has become an indispensable part of their Christmas tradition.

The tradition continues this year in this silver anniversary edition; an edition that is far more autobiographical than past ones, and I hope you enjoy the new direction. All I can tell you before you click on the link below is that it’s based heavily on my activities on the Internet so if you read my weekly Jonny’s Enemies List blog, follow my systematic harassment of actress Mara Marini on Facebook, or were aware of my manic obsession earlier this year of creating a faux series of horror movies surrounding an odious character named Professor Morlock, you’ll have a better frame of reference. If you don’t, try to look like you understand what’s happening when people standing in line at at Starbuck’s see you off in the corner trying to get through it on your laptop.

One thing I want to make absolutely clear: this ain’t your typical Christmas story (it’s definitely not “SFW”), but if you like the idea of a narcissistic a-hole like me crapping on our society’s most cherished rituals, you just might get a chuckle out of this. In addition to the story, be sure to check out the advertisements, games and "year in review" page found in the links at the top of each page.

After doing this nonsense for 25 years, I think this year’s edition is one of the best ones yet.

And so, after a full three months in the making, I give you Jonny’s Hollywood Christmas. Happy holidays.
 


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Black Friday

by Jon Mullich on November 28, 2014

 

Black Friday. I made an innocent comment on the social network that I was unclear when the term “Black Friday” started, since I remember the day after Thanksgiving being referred to simply as the day after Thanksgiving in the halcyon days of my youth. Some of you jumped in to point out that the name refers to the period that puts retailers in the financial “black” (after being in the “red” the previous eleven months of the year), with Bro Joe quoting the Wikipedia article on the subject, explaining “The day’s name originated in Philadelphia, where it originally was used to describe the heavy and disruptive pedestrian and vehicle traffic which would occur on the day after Thanksgiving. Use of the term started before 1961 and began to see broader use outside Philadelphia around 1975.” Personally, I think Black Friday sounds like a name given to a date that commemorates a military coup and it isn’t helped by the idea that (according to Wikipedia) Thanksgiving evening is now known as Gray Thursday. I always thought of Thanksgiving as having an autumnal color palette of oranges and yellows so I don’t cotton to the idea that it’s now associated with the monochromatic scale. In the spirit of compromise, I say that between my physical response to the massive amounts of red wine and cornbread stuffing that I shove down my gullet on Thursday and the thought of multitudes of greedy cheapskates descending on malls to save a few shekels on Tickle Me Elmos on Friday, I think that Thanksgiving and the days that follow it should be known as The Puke Green Long Weekend. It’s more honest and makes the kickoff to the holiday season a little more colorful. [click to continue…]

Giving It Some Teeth

by Jon Mullich on November 21, 2014

Don Lemon preparing to ask an incredibly stupid question

Television journalist Don Lemon, who interviewed Joan Tarshis, one of the women who alleges that comedian Bill Cobsy raped her 40 years ago by drugging her and forcing her to give him oral sex, and asked her why she simply didn’t bite on Cosby’s penis to send the message that a non-consensual blowjob might not be the enjoyable lark he assumed. With respect to Mr. Lemon, a man who blithely implies that a woman is even vaguely responsible because she didn’t physically retaliate against a sexual assault is simply out of his fucking mind. To put it in a context that Mr. Lemon can relate to, let’s assume that he’s walking down a dark alley by himself in the dead of night. I don’t know what Mr. Lemon’s vital statistics are, but for the sake of this argument I’m going to put him at about 6’0” and 180 lbs. He is suddenly accosted by a man who is 6’6” and 245 lbs. (the approximate difference in bio-mass between Mr. Cosby and Ms. Tarshis at the time) and is armed with a knife or gun. The attacker, in a psychotic need to mollify his disturbed ego by forcing himself on what he perceives as a weaker individual, orders Mr. Lemon to get on his knees and suck the aggressor’s cock – with Mr. Lemon’s other option being to have his throat slit and his body left as chum for the scavengers in the alley. It’s only because Mr. Lemon possesses the hubris of the male gender (developed over a lifetime of watching Chuck Norris movies) which makes him assume that he is capable of fending off any attacker if only he has the will and the one-two punch to do so, that makes Mr. Lemon imagine that sinking his pearly whites into a rapist’s wang would even cross his mind during such a terrifying and violent assault. I have no idea if the charges Ms. Tarshis is making against Mr. Cosby are true and with a 40+ year passage of time, I don’t expect that I ever will. But if I was a woman discussing a sexual assault with a so-called “journalist” and the “journalist” asked me as stupid and ignorant a question as Mr. Lemon did, I think my only reasonable response would be to tell him to suck my dick.
 
To his credit, Lemon apologized for the remark the following night and since I’m something of a Hall of Famer at making dumb comments myself, I am cutting him some slack. The good thing about such verbal missteps is that they initiate a dialogue about these kinds of issues and that’s always a positive move. Hopefully the next time I make a dumb remark and you all crawl up my ass about it, it will make the world a slightly better place. [click to continue…]

Absolute Dicks

by Jon Mullich on November 14, 2014

Absolute dicks Danny Kaye and Laurence Olivier

Author Christine Ashworth, who posted on the social network, “So this is gonna sound stupid, but – I just got my first 2-star review on Amazon, and I’m giddy. I’ve never gotten a 2-star review before – and I have always believed you’re not really ‘going places’ until you have a few 1- and 2-star reviews. The fun part about it is it’s not that bad a review! “ I felt compelled to point out to Ms. Ashworth that another book I had recently checked out on Amazon suffered a whopping 10% of its reviews to rate it with a single star, and that title was Hamlet by a no-talent named William Shakespeare. But Ms. Ashworth’s post reminded me of a time I posted my own negative review of a book on Amazon, a tome about Hollywood scandals which included the popular myth that Laurence Olivier had a long-term affair with Danny Kaye. I have done a significant amount of research about Olivier’s life and career, and while the guy had his shortcomings (he was, by almost all contemporary accounts, an absolute dick), I am forced to conclude that his decades long sexual liaison with Mr. Kaye (who allegedly disguised himself as a customs officer at Los Angeles International Airport so that he could detain Olivier from a flight he was arriving on in order to perform a strip search on him, which is kind of hard to imagine happening post-9/11) falls into the category of urban legend. The author sent me a furious e-mail (comparing me for some reason to George Bush) in reply to my review of his book, to which I responded with a lengthy quote from Terry Coleman, the author of Olivier’s authorized biography who had unprecedented access to his papers and historical archives. Mr. Coleman reported that despite exhaustive research, he was unable to find any evidence to support the rumor of an affair between Olivier and Kaye (the same book recounted a correspondence between Olivier and Shakespearean actor Henry Ainley that was of a highly sexual nature, so there’s no reason to suppose that Mr. Coleman was covering anything up). My e-mails with the author of the book I panned became increasingly cordial after that and ended on a note of “agree to disagree.”

Parenthetically, I once shared a dressing room with an actor who was a regular on Mr. Kaye’s TV variety show and he informed me that one thing Kaye did have in common with Olivier was that he was an absolute dick. I concluded it was a jerky move on my part to blithely post a negative comment towards a book someone had worked years on, even if I did take exception to its content, so I deleted it. I’ll leave that kind of thing to absolute dicks like Laurence Olivier and Danny Kaye. [click to continue…]