You people. I made one of my delightful Facebook cover images of my beloved pug Winston and me edited into a famous movie scene, this time the inevitable picture of us in the scene from Men in Black where Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are interrogating a pug at a magazine stand. To give the illustration some flavor in its detail, I included magazine covers of the flotsam and jetsam of humanity I associate with pictured on the cover of such wholesome periodicals as Glamour and People. It was only afterwards that I realized that there should be a magazine created to showcase these nimrods, so I’m proud to announce that Jonny Press® is introducing Pain in the Ass Magazine. This is a place where you can find out all the news about the irritants who ruin my life on a regular basis. I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested in this kind of crap but I’m hoping that it will be distracting to the jackals who swarm around me on the social network so that I can finally get some peace and quiet. They say that print is dead and this rag will be an excellent indication of why.
The father of a close friend of mind was driven into near-despair when a combination of anti-depressants and alcohol convinced him that the only way to end his suffering was to put a gun to his head and blow his brains out. A kind angel was looking over him that night because just as he pulled the trigger, his hand trembled and the bullet was propelled harmlessly into a wall. When his wife came running down the stairs to find out what had happened, he looked at her sheepishly and said “that was the dumbest thing I ever did in my life.” I’d like to think that if Robin Williams could take a do-over on that one tragic moment when his life seemed like a pit of agony and his only salvation was his own annihilation, he might be touched by that same kind angel who rescued my friend’s father and realize that for all its pain and struggle, every moment of life is a divine gift that should never be taken for granted. The way he chose to confront his pain was a mistake, and it was a mistake that will tear asunder the lives of those who cared for him until the end of time.
As we enjoy the gift of our lives today, I hope that we will take our responsibilities as their caretakers seriously and live them with the honor and fearlessness that the people around us – the true owners of those lives – have come to deserve. And when it is time for our lives to end – hopefully long in the future – I hope that our survivors will remember us as people who faced adversity with courage, tenacity, and compassion. When we faced it, we faced it together. And we arrogantly thumbed our noses at it until our dying breaths.
Life is hope. Have a nice day.
The periodical recounts actual stories from my life, such as the maiden issue which describes the time I saved Mara Marini from a gorilla and she thanked me with sex. Future issues relate such Jonny anecdotes as the occasion I dubbed the singing of Jonny Award winner Jesse Merlin when his voice was deemed just not good enough, the time I saved Mara Marini from a herd of stampeding rhinos and she thanked me with sex, when Bro Joe came crawling to me on his hands and knees to tell me how inferior he is to me in every way, the time I saved Mara Marini from a gang of attacking ninjas and she thanked me with sex, how my nemesis Misty LaRue decided to take a vow of silence and swore never to utter another word, or the time I saved Mara Marini from an invasion of Nazi storm troopers and she thanked me with sex. All of these stories are told exactly as I remember them after a week of binge drinking and forgetting to take my medication.
Look for the premiere issue of True Tales of Jonny on your newsstands soon. In the mean time, don’t forget to buy your tickets to see me in Eclect-a-Fest. Especially Mara Marini. I expect that she’ll enjoy it so much that she’s going to thank me with sex.[click to continue…]
The complete catalogue of Professor Morlock merchandising product can be seen here.