bio on IMDb.com describes an impressive acting career that saw her constantly rub elbows with entertainment professionals who have worked with people far more famous than Tami Erin despite the fact that she has only four acting credits in the years following The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking, most recently something called Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Chrimbus Special made in 2010. It scarcely seems like an impressive enough résumé to me to warrant six figure for some grainy footage of a blowjob and a few orgiastic grimaces in extreme closeup, but that doesn’t take into account the perverts out there who long to rub one out to the oh-so-innocent Pippi Longstocking giving oral sex (a scenario that I guarantee most of those sickos have been playing out in their imaginations for the last two decades). I haven’t seen the tape myself but for a hundred grand, I hope she’s at least wearing a wig with the Pippi Longstocking braids and talking in a little girl voice. I still don’t think it’s worth the kind of money they’re paying her but it’s something that I’d at least take her out to a fancy dinner for. If she brought along Tiger Woods’ ex-girlfriend, I’d even spring for dessert.Tami Erin, an actress whose sole claim to fame was playing the title role in The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking 25 years ago until she recently made headlines by shopping around a sex tape she shot with her former boyfriend. As with the case of all quasi-celebrities with home-made porn to sell, she claimed that she only put the tape on the market to prevent her ex from doing it first to maintain her respectability (although she wasn’t above doing promotional pictures making out with bona-fied porn star Joslyn James, who is an ex-lover of golfer Tiger Woods), reportedly netting a $100,000 payoff. Considering she made all that scratch from a single evening of filming her snatch, that makes Ms. Erin one of the highest paid actresses on an hourly basis in history; significantly more than she made playing Astrid Lindgren’s pig-tailed adventuress. Ms. Erin’s
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Captain & Tennille, a musical act who recorded the mega-hits Love Will Keep Us Together and Do That to Me One More Time. I was at a party on Saturday night comprised of people old enough to remember the disco era and the conversation inexplicably turned to the duo: a married couple named Toni Tennille (a cute and perky vocalist) and Daryl Dragon (a keyboardist who was so bland that, as a means to spice him up, a commodore hat would be placed on his head before he took the stage and he would be addressed as “The Captain” after his self-applied nickname “Captain Keyboard”). Talk at the party inevitably centered on their radio smash Muskrat Love, which has the distinction of being the only Top 10 hit ever recorded that focused on vermin having sex. It tells the romantic story of two anthropomorphic muskrats named Susie and Sam who somehow have the financial resources to go out every night dancing The Jitterbug, but still make time to engage in sweet whoopee on a regular basis. The song first won prominence when Captain & Tennille performed it at the White House at a reception for Queen Elizabeth II (for which I assume The Captain wore his dress naval uniform, much to the delight of the real military personnel in attendance), and is now frequently derided as one of the worst recordings in music history. I remember the duo best from a briefly-lived talk show Ms. Tenille hosted in 1980 on which Mr. Dragon sometimes appeared to suck any potential excitement off the screen that might be lurking nearby. During one episode they performed Muskrat Love and she disclosed that her most vivid memory of the song was Henry Kissinger’s bored reaction when they performed it at the White House, preceding countless others who never understood how the ridiculous thing became a hit in the first place. I always watched the talk show because I was fascinated that such an attractive woman was married to such an incredibly boring man. In retrospect, I was being naïve because it’s clear that a dude who likes to dress up in costumes and appreciates the sexual attractiveness of rodents has more to offer a chick than I realized at the time.
Karen Sheeler. At the same party, I was taking the time to pose for photos with my many fans in attendance when Ms. Sheeler “photo bombed” a picture of me and my acquaintance Tawdry Baubles. For those of you not as familiar with the vernacular of the teeming masses as I am, this means that Ms. Sheeler stuck her face into frame and grimaced just as the shutter was tripping. What annoys me about it all is that even while Ms. Sheeler is trying to sabotage the picture, she still manages to look better in it than I do. I wasn’t enjoying my best hair day that night and my attempt at a suave, sophisticated grin didn’t have quite the effect I was hoping for. By contrast, Ms. Sheeler looks downright cute. I hope the lesson she takes away from this is the same one learned by all of the would-be enemies of super powers: they shouldn’t try to stage a bomb attack unless they’re certain they won’t be retaliated against by a vastly superior force.
My mono-ped buddy Kiki Wistone. Halloween is a’comin’ and I intend to spend it the same way as last year, by attending the annual West Hollywood Halloween Carnival with Ms. Wistone. Last year we went as God and an angel so I assumed she would devise some similar matching get-up for us this time. I was therefore disconcerted to receive a text informing me that she needed a machete for her costume this year. This may not seem alarming to you except I had already learned that she was planning us to go as Jonny and One of Jonny’s Ex-Girlfriends, the single trait that they share with each other is that they all want to murder Jonny. I can see us touring the carnival now; Ms. Wistone strutting around as one of my exes carting around my disembodied head that she cleaved off with her machete after I had shown up drunk at one of her family social gatherings or tried to get her to take part in one of my many degrading sexual fetishes. Perhaps if enough cackling yentas are on the judging committee, she might take home the prize for Best Costume.
Tom Ashworth. I continue my practice of posting adorable cover images on my Facebook wall of me and my buddies on the social network acting out various themes. This week’s charmer was a delightful fantasy of Mara Marini performing a Fred & Ginger-style ballroom dance number with me as some gentleman acquaintances of mine stood behind us adorned in tuxedos, all wearing smiles which indicated that they were delighted at whatever was going on between us. All except for Mr. Ashworth, who was posed immediately behind me and I had subconsciously depicted wearing a frown which indicated that he desperately wanted to take the place of one of the two lead dancers. I was unsure whether he aspired to Ms. Marini’s place or mine in the picture until later in the day when he commented “Ah, you always get the girl,” which made me realize that one ambition which most men possess is to share a dance with Mara Marini. Granted, I was only able to achieve the dream through the magic of Photoshop but I find that preferable to doing it through the more traditional routes of gaining her favor by working out at the gym six hours a day or being the beneficiary of an irrevocable trust fund. There’s always more than one path to making your dreams come true.