The No-Spin Zone

Bill O'Reilly

Loudmouth bully Bill O'Reilly, who was fired as a pundit for Fox News after committing sexual harassment to the tune of over $13 million in payoffs from his ex-boss to keep his victims quiet. There appear to be only two grounds for termination at Fox News: one (as in the case of Mr. O'Reilly or former network head Roger Ailes) is to be a vile sexual predator who makes life miserable for every woman he encounters. The other (as in the case of former Fox commentator George Will) is to suggest that Donald Trump is unfit for the presidency. Both have to do with perpetuating a fantasy. In the case of Messrs. O'Reilly and Ailes, it is their fantasy that a bloated, angry old man can be sexual catnip to any attractive young woman provided he exerts as much unwanted pressure on her as possible. In the instance of Mr. Will, it is Fox News' fantasy that Donald Trump is even remotely qualified to govern. I'll leave it up to you to decide which fantasy is more destructive but given the choice between the two, I'd rather spend my work day having Mr. O'Reilly trying to badger me into giving him oral sex. It won't be a pleasant life, but at least I won't have to live in constant fear of nuclear war.

Junior Ranger Joe

Bro Joe, who recently took a vacation at Death Valley National Park and insisted on being the first person in living memory over the age of 12 to be sworn in as a Junior Ranger. Joe proudly posted a video of the swearing in ceremony which he took deadly seriously and the parks department employee officiating looked like she would have preferred to be mauled by a ravenous grizzly bear at that moment. Part of the oath Joe took required him to visit a refuge near where he lives and share what he learned with others, although I'm not sure if there's anyone at a nearby park that's interested in learning how a man in his late middle age took on a role that was created to be filled by pre-teens. I nevertheless congratulate Joe on his new designation as Junior Ranger and wish him luck in fighting off ravenous grizzly bears. If he gets mauled, I'm going to send the video to that parks department employee in Death Valley. Something tells me that she would view it with a sense of professional pride.

Robert Vestal discovering the exciting world of books

My actor-acquaintance Robert Vestal, who excitedly announced on his Facebook feed that he "booked a commercial without an audition! Now that's what I'm talking about!" Mr. Vestal was not forthcoming about who his employer is but I'm guessing that the most likely sponsor who would engage his talents without bothering to audition him would be an organization that combats adult illiteracy. I'm not suggesting that Mr. Vestal is unable to read (he can, as you surmise, even write short posts on Facebook - with assistance from a paid caregiver) but it is a struggle for him and he serves as cautionary warning for anyone who eschews formal education in his formative years in favor of smoking reefer and hanging out on street corners. Nevertheless, I am delighted that Mr. Vestal was able to turn his weakness into a strength and find gainful employment that not only makes use of his disability, but dissuades others from following that the path that has resulted in his sad and pathetic life. If Mr. Vestal can find anyone to read this listing to him, tell him that I said nice work, Rob. Now that's what I'm talking about!

Christian Chan's perfect life

The great Christian Chan, who cryptically posted on his Facebook wall "Sometimes I just wish people would come to me with martinis so I don't have to leave my apartment." A reasonable wish that I'm sure we all share from time to time, but then shortly afterwards he posted (just as cryptically) "I love everything about my life right now," which forced me to come to the natural conclusion that he had found a genie who followed his Facebook commands and was delivering him martinis by the gallon to his once-lonely hovel. While I'm delighted to hear of Mr. Chan's windfall, I would advise him that if popular media has taught us anything, it is that genies are not the perfect solution to life's problems that they seem cracked up to be. They are either taking your wishes way too literally and giving you ironic responses that make your life miserable, or they put a cap on the number of wishes that you get so you run out just as the evil sultan is about to slice you in half with a scimitar, or else they're smokin' hot blondes who lounge around your bachelor pad in sexy slavegirl costumes yet for some inexplicable reason you never once wish for any perverse sexual action with them, even after five seasons in prime time. So I hope Mr. Chan enjoys his perfect life with his supernatural Middle Eastern glamour girl because he's not going be getting any sex until his career is revived a decade later by playing oil magnate J.R. Ewing. And then he's got to live through being shot and having an entire season turn out to be his younger brother's dream. It's enough to make a guy want to take up drinking martinis.

My buddy Lisa Glass

Annoying yenta Lisa Glass, who pointed out a Facebook-generated video observing the second anniversary of the dark day that she came into my life by cyber-screeching "Hey Mullich! FB made a cute Of slightly creepy Big Brother record of our friendship!" I would say the word "friendship" is an optimistic description of our relationship, which I think of more like the camp classic The Thing with Two Heads where Ray Milland wakes up one morning to find his mug stitched up next to the noggin of Rosie Grier and discovers that there's nothing he can do but close his eyes and listen to it talk (and talk, and talk). I'm not sure why Facebook insists on taunting me with video souvenirs reminding me when someone like Ms. Glass first began irritating me, because it's like having a bag of flaming poop delivered on my doorstep to commemorate my first colonoscopy. It's nice someone took the time to do it, but all it really does is provide me with a reminder of a major pain in my butt. Nevertheless, I'll take the high road and wish Ms. Glass a happy anniversary and say I look forward to many happy decades of having her in my life. At the very least, it will remind me that I'm due for another colonoscopy in five years.
On the plus side, the second anniversary is cotton so at least I know what gift I'll be getting myself.