Professor Morlock vs. The Blob
My beloved pug Winston, who undergoes surgery a week from Friday. I mistakenly reported that the poor little dude would go under the knife this week, but that was only a consultation with the surgeon to get a gruesome blow-by-blow of what he would be undergoing. In short, he's having his spleen removed, he's having some work done on his back so he can use his hind legs again, and he's having an enormous growth removed from his penis which the surgeon told me has taken on the characteristics of the titular character in the Steve McQueen horror movie The Blob. My longtime readers know that I have a history in the genre, having created a mock series of horror flicks based upon a character named Professor Morlock, a thousand year-old insane genius with supernatural powers who wants to rule the world by transplanting the brain of a beautiful girl into a gorilla (or vice-versa; I could never quite figure that out), and after sitting in the waiting room while they examined Winston's Johnson, I had a brilliant idea.
I decided the growth on Winston's wang warranted a comeback of the Morlock saga, a horror crossover entitled Professor Morlock vs. The Blob. In it, Professor Morlock (played, as always, by horror icon Jesse Merlin) has changed his specialty to veterinary medicine to get easier access to gorilla brains, and Jonny M. (played in a cameo by Brad Pitt) brings his beloved pug Winston (played by Winston, of course) in for Morlock to operate on his dick. The evil doctor initially plans to transplant Winston's brain into Jonny's body to make Jonny more intelligent and socially acceptable until he discovers that the growth is actually the legendary Blob and if he doesn't use his medical knowledge for good instead of evil for a change, the sentient goo will encompass the earth, making any future evil-doing on his part that much more difficult. What follows is 65 minutes of the Blob dragging Winston around by the dick while reaping havoc as Morlock wrestles with his conscience about whether or not to do the right thing for a change, interrupted by the odd scene of my friend Harmony Sanchez in the female ingénue role taking off her bra. It all ends happily with the Blob being destroyed, Winston being cured and Donald Trump being impeached (this is a tangent from the main story but we had to add it to get the writers to stop smoking weed and finish the goddamned screenplay).
I seriously doubt that's how Winston's actual surgery will go and the vet assures me it's all pretty routine and it's highly unlikely that the growth on Winston's dick will try to devour the earth. I'm still going to pitch it around town because everybody loves a good horror film and I'm hoping any profits will go a long way to paying his vet bills. Anyway, I figure it's my only chance to see Harmony Sanchez take off her bra.
Puke Simon. Until the profits from Professor Morlock vs. The Blob start rolling in, I was forced to start an online campaign to pay for Winston's veterinary bills. I was so moved by the generosity of you people that I made a delightful image of some of the folks who played the biggest part in the campaign parodying Nicolas Poussin's painting Apollo and the Muses. Everyone enjoyed their depiction in the picture, save Mr. Simon who grumbled "I'm okay with being a cherub, but you couldn't make my penis bigger?" Since I am all about making Winston's benefactors happy, here is a picture of Mr. Simon as a cherub with an enormous hog. It may not be a traditional depiction of a flying baby but I want to give Mr. Simon something to cling to. I've spoken to some of his old girlfriends and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the original cherub has a much bigger penis than he does.
Annoying yenta Lisa Glass, who's been on these pages way too many times lately. I made a similar image in tribute to a whopper of a donation by my longtime acquaintance Eddie Frierson which pictured Mr. Frierson as the Greek hero Perseus surrounded by some annoying people I had occasion to suck up to for various reasons. One of these was Ms. Glass, who was depicted as a random shepherdess in the illustration. She took exception to being cast as an anonymous nobody surrounded by immortal figures from Greek mythology and thundered "Who am I? A random shepherdess?" I could tell that my life was going to get very miserable very quickly if I didn't think fast, so I told Ms. Glass that she was actually depicting Magazine's Sexiest Chick Alive 3600 BC ("" being Greek for "People"; thank everlasting Christ for Google Translate), which to my amazement assuaged her anger enough to allow me to continue living for at least another day. Less fortunate was Mr. Frierson, whose character Perseus winds up marrying the gorgeous Andromeda - who is depicted by myself in the image. It works out for everybody in the end but I'd suggest to Ms. Glass that if I'm considered one of the most beautiful women in Greek mythology, she shouldn't be so cocky about being named Magazine's Sexiest Chick Alive. The competition was a lot less stiff in those days.
The wonderful Roses Prichard, who makes her debut on these pages. Ms. Prichard shared the link to Winston's GoFundMe campaign with the note "I am sharing this again because Winston Mullich is one of the most entrancing, sweet-spirited creatures I've ever known. I know him because he's our Pro99 mascot, whose presence at our meetings graced us with incomparably loving charm. Your contribution to his care of even a couple of bucks will be greatly appreciated by all who love this charismatic pug." Listen, I love Winston like my own child but let's not get carried away. It's true he's attended a lot of Pro99 meetings but he is also, to my knowledge, the only attendee who ever peed on the floor at one. And while he's a big supporter of 99-seat theatre, I remember his acute confusion when I'd shout my speeches at him while he was trying to sleep in the living room when I was learning the lines for Richard III. But he is an entrancing, sweet-spirited creature and I treasure Ms. Prichard for raising awareness of the fundraising campaign. I'm just glad she never figured out that it was Winston who urinated on the concrete in the middle of the outdoor Pro99 rally. She did seem to be unusually annoyed with Edward Asner that day so I guess that I owe him an apology.
My acquaintance Micah Waterson, who announced "Think I'm gonna have to go to Ireland and England for my birthday next year... It's time." I am supportive of anything that puts Mr. Watterson in a different timezone from me but I do worry why now is suddenly the time that he needs to go on the lam. After only a quick glance at his Facebook status, it became obvious that Mr. Watterson plans to murder me and then skip town before my body is discovered, living like an animal in the lush greens of Ireland or England where no law can find him. It almost worked were it not for my almost supernatural instinct for knowing when my adversaries are trying to destroy me. My advice to Mr. Watterson is to rethink his evil plot because even in the unlikely event that he could best me in a physical match of hand-to-hand combat, my operatives would avenge my death and some of them are Vulcans. No, it's plain that Mr. Watterson hasn't thought this through and he needs some time to consider exactly how his life has wound up the mess that it has. Maybe he should take a nice vacation to Ireland and England.