Santa Merlin

My Number One enemy of 2013 Jesse Merlin, who is doing his damndest to be named my Number One enemy of 2014. I saw Mr. Merlin in a delightful production entitled Christmas Smackdown in which my nemesis and a group of other dubious characters performed some charmingly cynical Yuletide anti-carols composed by Cynthia Carle and Mark Nutter. It was an enjoyable diversion until Mr. Merlin came out dressed as Santa Claus and sang a song about how he was only doing the job for the insurance coverage. Those of you who took the time to read my annual Christmas story Jonny's Hollywood Christmas (those of you who didn't can burn in hell) know that I cast Mr. Merlin as the antagonist of the piece, a surly egomaniac named Jesse Merlin. While I took some artistic liberties with the character (primarily to make him more likable than his real-life namesake, who is about as congenial as a case of ebola virus), it was a fairly even-handed depiction of what Mr. Merlin is actually like. It was therefore disconcerting to me to watch him slither about the stage dressed as Saint Nicholas. With Christmas less than a week away, I've done what I can to erase the memory of Santa Merlin from my consciousness (primarily through the imbibement of lots and lots of alcohol) but if that deep-voiced bastard comes crawling down my chimney on Christmas Eve, I'm sicking my beloved pug Winston on him. The most damage an obese pug with a perpetually sunny disposition would inflict on an intruder might be to lick him to death, but I'm hoping that the sight of Winston's fat ass suddenly lunging at him will be enough to send Santa Merlin scampering back up the chimney before he can make any trouble. But I do hope he'll stay just long enough to leave the bucket of coal that he gives me every year. Whenever Mr. Merlin enters a room, the temperature seems to drop about ten degrees so I can really use the heat.

Sara J. Stuckey. I was joined at the show by my associate Glen "Piece of Shit" Simon and his inexplicably hot girlfriend Megan Reynolds, who took me out to dine beforehand in honor of my 168th birthday the following day. Ms. Stuckey - a friend of Mr. Simon and Ms. Reynolds - was also dining at the restaurant and introduced herself to our party by "photo bombing" a picture I took of my hosts just as they were arguing about who would have to sit next to me. You can see from the photo that Ms. Stuckey was the only one who seemed happy to be there and even forestalled calamity by taking the seat between Meglenn (as the couple is known in the tabloids) and me so that they wouldn't be in the splash zone of my projectile vomiting that inevitably follows any time I am binge drinking when someone else is picking up the tab. The only unfortunate aspect of Ms. Stuckey's brief stopover at our dinner was that she ultimately went back to her own table, leaving Meglenn and I to stare at each other uncomfortably as we finished our meals. Fortunately, I was able to fill the time by doing some bombing of my own with the promised projectile vomiting that my guzzling of hooch on Meglenn's dime. All in all, I'd call it my best birthday ever.

The always-annoying Becky Epstein Roberts, who posted on her Facebook wall on December 16th "I'm impressed. So far, I've only had to dump one fool who posted "IT'S MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS." If you feel that way, you're a false Christian. It's just that simple. He was an old acquaintance, semi-friend but that kind of bullshit is unforgivable at this point." I made a point of including the date of her post because the more alert of you will recognize that she made it on the first day of Hanukkah. I pointed out last year at around this time how annoying I found it that my guilt-ridden goyem hangers-on insisted on wishing me a Happy Hanukkah (in addition to Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice and even Festivus, a made-up holiday from the sitcom Seinfeld) even though Hanukkah had finished up three weeks before Christmas last year so it had all the topicality of wishing me a happy Labor Day. But for some dill weed to object to saying "Happy Holidays" on the first day of Hanukkah is an insensitive dick. I hope that Santa Merlin doesn't bring him any coal this year.

Enemies List favorite Mara Marini. I made one of my delightful Facebook cover images adapted from my 2011 Jonny Advent Calendar in which Jonny and Winston arise Christmas morning to find Santa ascending the chimney after leaving a pile of presents for Winston and a bag of coal for Jonny. In the revised timeline version, I added a framed photograph of Ms. Marini expressing her joy at a chance encounter with me a golden bust of the fore-mentioned Jesse Merlin. Ms. Marini was none-too-pleased with the tchotchkes, complaining "Jesse Merlin got to be a gold statue statue! I'm jealous!" Since I would never leave a lady feeling short-changed, I was up all night sculpting this solid gold statue of Ms. Marini in a classic pose that I inevitably visualize her in. For anyone who has the bad taste to suggest that the position she's taking might be considered on the kinky side, I'll remind you that sick pervert Alexandros of Antioch sculpted the Venus de Milo without any freakin' arms and that twisted thing is in the Louvre Museum. My vision of Ms. Marini may be chained to a column waiting to receive punishment, but the sensitive artistic ones among you will recognize it as a timeless statement on the fragility of the human condition and not simply wank material like the crap that sicko Alexandros of Antioch cranked out. I may not know art, but I know what I like.This is the final Jonny's Enemies List of 2014 as Winston and I take the next two weeks off to celebrate my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Festivus and maybe Labor Day. We'll be back on January 1st with Jonny's Top Ten Enemies of 2014. Happy Holidays!!!