Nude Pictures & Naked Videos
A website called iCelebsDB.com, an online database of male celebrities. I discovered the site when I was doing my weekly Google search of my own name and was surprised to find that I am included in its numbers. I was even more puzzled when I visited its page devoted to me and found a link directing me to "Click Here For Jon Mullich's Nude Pictures & Naked Videos," which led me to a membership site that promised nude photos of male celebrities like myself for a thirty dollar monthly fee. I was shocked; not because they apparently possess nude pictures and naked videos of me (those can be easily found for free on Web Chat Roulette) but that there exists a class of consumers who are willing to shell out money for them. I have been offering nude pictures and naked videos of me for decades and not only have I never found anyone interested in purchasing them, I've discovered that there's no shortage of people willing to give me a few bucks not to show them. Thanks to iCelebsDB.com, I now realize that there's a vast multitude out there that are willing to pay top dollar to see me in the buff and I intend to make the media available to them; especially the stuff that's deemed too hot for Web Chat Roulette featuring me with an elderly stroke victim's aluminum cane. Thirty bucks a month sounds a little steep if you're only interested in seeing naked photos of me though, so I'm willing to make them available to you for the bargain basement price of fifteen dollars. I really hate to charge anything but it will go a long way towards finally paying a doctor to find that tennis ball that's lodged up my ass.
Jonny Award winner Jesse Merlin, who I saw perform Gilbert & Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore last week. I have seen Mr. Merlin play the piece before, in my Star Trek adaptation U.S.S. Pinafore. In my version, he played the handsome and virile Captain Corcoran, master of the starship of the title. In the one I witnessed on Sunday depicting the original G&S score and libretto, he portrayed the ancient codger Sir Joseph Porter, head of Queen Victoria's royal navy. We did U.S.S. Pinafore almost five years ago and I'm not sure how Mr. Merlin devolved from roguishly doing battle with a light monster on an alien planet (that's right; there's a light monster in my version that's nowhere to be found in Sir William Schwenk Gilbert's pansy-ass script) to pathetically hitting on girls 60 years younger than he is while barely being able to stand upright. I can only assume that the light monster did more damage to him than he let on at the time. Merlin disagreed, stating "I'm telling you Jon, Sir Joseph is so much more fun... He speaks to my inner Palpatine." He was referring to a character from Star Wars, so if at least one science fiction franchise is paid tribute to in his Gilbert & Sullivan depictions, I guess I can't complain.
Baseball superfan Eddie Frierson. With the World Series concluding this week, Mr. Frierson and I got into a conversation about what in his view was wrong with the grand old game. I listened to his grumpy philosophizing for some time before concluding that in his view, nothing was wrong with baseball that couldn't be fixed by the game reverting back to how it was played circa 1911. It was only then that I realized just how old Mr. Frierson had become. Not because he can recall the sport back in its halcyon days when Ty Cobb and Tris Speaker ran the bases, but because of Mr. Frierson's unflagging certainty that baseball (and, by extension, humanity as a whole) was in infinitely better shape at the time. Never mind that the sport was rife with scandal and the players were a rowdy bunch who were horribly taken advantage of by team owners (and humanity was shackled by racism and disease); it was simply better back in Mr. Frierson's day and there was no arguing the point, dad gum it. Listening to Mr. Frierson talk, it was probably a good thing he favored the "dead ball"era in which four-baggers were rarely hit out of the park. If they were and he lived next to the stadium, he'd doubtless take the homerun balls that landed in his yard and refuse to give them back; just to teach those kids a lesson.
Enemies List favorite Mara Marini, who appears in a show called Mo and Tell at IO West Theater this coming Monday night at 9:00 p.m. The program (M.C.'d by "Host/Teacher" Mo Collins, giving it its schoolyard-themed name) is described in its Facebook page as "an elementary storytelling venture. Because sharing is a good thing. Think of it as Kindergarten for adults!"I don't remember much about Kindergarten except that show & tell always took place after snack time when I would guzzle down my juice box and inevitably wet my corduroy overalls because I was too enthralled by the presentation to excuse myself to the boy's room. I do my guzzling from out of a flask now but with Ms. Marini on the bill, I guarantee that once again I'll be unable to pull myself away from my seat adjacent to the stage to make Number One and I'm going to soil my pants just like I did when I was five. I hope Ms. Collins is prepared to call my Mom to come over with some dry underpants.