Towards a More Honest Facebook
My college chum James Cleveland, who casually posted as his Facebook status "A quick trip to Amsterdam, Paris, Geneva, Berlin and London! Any suggestions?"For those of you who are new to the social network, the last thing Mr. Cleveland is interested in is advice on how to enjoy Europe. A Facebook post like that is decoded as "My life is better than yours; fuck you."This is a common gambit in social networking. Whenever one of your so-called "friends"(a misnomer if there ever was one) posts about his or her perfect family, committed relationship or (in Mr. Cleveland's case) dream vacation, this is what he or she is telling you. I therefore suggest that the programmers at Facebook introduce an AutoHotkey that allows us to make "My life is better than yours; fuck you"our status with a single keyboard stroke, since that's what everybody on Facebook seems to want their status to say. Of course Mr. Cleveland's status got an avalanche of "likes"and comments; but only because those are the only options currently available to us. I further challenge the programmers at Facebook to expand the selections of "Like,""Comment"and "Share"by adding one which allows responder to tell the poster to go fuck himself. Granted, anyone could write that as a comment now rather than merely think it (which, trust me, everybody is doing). But the social network is populated by sheep and no one wants to make a bold stance by being the first to do something that everyone else wants to do but secretly fears that they're the only one who feels that way. By adding that link, Facebook would be letting their users know that it's okay to tell Mr. Cleveland to go fuck himself when he announces that his life is better than yours. In fact, doing so would even be considered a social nicety. Because only by accumulating enough responses of "Go fuck yourself"with Mr. Cleveland be absolutely certain that his life is better than ours. And isn't that really what social networking is all about?
Jonny Award winner Jesse Merlin. I wrote two weeks ago about how Mr. Merlin keeps his youthful appearance by attending Doctor Who conventions. But what puzzles me is that he is currently recreating his signature Ovation Award-nominated stage role of Dr. Hill in Re-Animator: The Musical; a character much older than Mr. Merlin's current age. What's more, I am informed that in two weeks he will be essaying Sir Joseph Porter in Gilbert & Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore as a doddering 80 year-old. The secret to Mr. Merlin being able to effortlessly swing back and forth from being a young man to an elderly one may be in his response to the earlier listing, when he derisively snorted "You're on to me. The blood of young virgins is the best exfoliant, a well kept beauty secret. I was actually born in 1858."That's how he stays looking young. So to take on an elderly look for his stage roles, he must have to imbibe the blood of old virgins. Fortunately, there are plenty of those at Doctor Who conventions.
My nemesis Ja'Son Fogelson, who giddily announced that he attended a block party on the street where he resides. The last time I checked, Mr. Fogelson didn't live in a tiny hamlet in Iowa where Professor Harold Hill sells band uniforms to gullible townsfolk. And that, to my understanding, is where so-called "block parties"take place. Mr. Fogelson lives, like me, on the mean streets of Los Angeles, a place where your neighbor is apt to slit your throat in order to steal today's copy of Variety from you. Los Angelinos have a fairly standard relationship with their neighbors. For instance, I have lived in my home for twelve years. If my neighbor were to invite me to a block party, my response would be "Who the hell are you and why are you talking to me for the first time in twelve years?" But if Mr. Fogelson and his neighboring yokels want to cast aside the societal norm and risk mixing with each other at a block party, I certainly won't stop them. I only hope that they didn't pay too much for the band uniforms, because by now Professor Hill would have skipped town with their money.
Eddie Frierson. My time has been so taken up with creating my online Christmas Extravaganza that I haven't been able to make the delightful Photoshop illustration s of which my fans are so fond. To fill the gap, I have occasionally been rerunning old favorites, such as the one yesterday where Winston and I are depicted as manly Chippendale's dancers complete with six-pack abs and John Boehner man tans. We are surrounded by the flotsam and jetsam of humanity with which I interact such as the fore-mentioned Mr. Frierson, the fore-mentioned Mr. Fogelson the evil genius Lars Fargo and Glenn "Piece of Shit" Simon. Not pictured in this section of the image is my muse Mara Marini, who is the only chick in the group and the only person in the photo who was Photoshopped with a worse body than the one she actually has (It is an intriguing fact that one of the principle aspects of Ms. Marini's charisma is that she posesses one of the most smokin' hot silhouettes on the western seaboard). Regrettably, Mr. Frierson used the Comments area of Jonny's Facebook wall to pathetically hit on Ms. Marini and tried to get some alone time with her by promising that a visit to his Facebook Wall was like a trip to heaven. I'm going to tell Mr. Frierson the same thing I tell any other would-be be lothario when they try to glom onto my brief moment in Ms. Marini's spotlight when I win her attention by painstakingly Photoshopping her in an illustration: Jonny's Facebook Wall is where JONNY pathetically hits on Ms. Marini and is gently shot down with a comment line filled with cryptic emoticons that are inevitably translated as "I appreciate the attention, but have you SEEN yourself in the mirror?" When some of the lurking sexual cyber predators like Mr. Frierson, "Crispy"Bacon or Michael Lackey (to name a few) try to snatch Mr. Marini's attention when she's come by to take a peek at a picture of her Photoshopped into a scene from The Seven Year Itch, it robs me of one of the few things I have left to live for. So I suggest you Mara Marini fans out come up with your own shtick with which to be rejected for. This one's taken.
Rosanna DeGaga, who stars in a vlog on the social networked titled Some Cream in Your Coffee and a Little Rosie in Your Morning in which it is her mission to impart some cloying optimism into my day while I'm busy trying to figure out how to vanquish my enemies. Tuesday was "Quote Day" on Rosie in Your Morning this week and Ms. DeGaga tried to make everybody's day brighter by reminding them that "Life is like a mirror; you get your best results by smiling at it."A heart-warming image but one that I don't find terribly accurate. I feel t that I get my most satisfying results from a mirror by drinking three-quarters of bottle of vodka and then yelling sexually demeaning smack at it. After a few minutes, the vodka fully kicks in and I forgot that it's a mirror that's berating me but rather a beautiful woman with a tight physique (If I remember to suck in my gut) and a shockingly provocative wardrobe (I usually wear assless chaps when I play this game). We are always in sync and the sex that inevitably follows the smack talk is mind-blowing. It's well worth the next three hours I have to spend pulling shards of glass out of my junk.