My Kingdom for a Horse

My emerging nemesis Jessicah Neufeld, who opens tonight in a stage production entitled O, For A Horse with Wings! Ms. Neufeld recently supported me in the Eclect-a-Fest series of short plays in which she appeared in something called Tartine (I can't tell you much about it because I was in my dressing room drinking Ouzo and getting a rubdown from my masseuse Günter as it was going on) while I starred in the headline piece Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Fathers. Ms. Neufeld was so intimidated by working with me that for her next stage role, she has eschewed human actors and is instead doing a show in which she is performing Shakespearean scenes opposite horses (you read that correctly: her fellow performers are horses). My operatives (some of whom pay attention to this crap) tell me that her Big Scene is as Joan of Arc from the rarely-performed Henry VI. I have no idea what roles the equines are playing but I assume they're being fed peanut butter first so that they can move their mouths while someone recites the lines offstage like in the old TV show about a talking horse, Mr. Ed. I'm especially looking forward to the scene where Joan is burned at the stake because this is the first presentation of it where she actually has a chance to survive. I'm hoping that the Grand Inquisitor will eat the hay before anyone has a chance to set fire to it. Tickets are available by clicking here.

Jesse Merlin, who will be returning to his signature role of Dr. Carl Hill, the mad scientist who carries around his own disembodied head, in Re-Animator: The Musical this Fall. Mr. Merlin is most famous for being nominated for every conceivable theatrical award for his performance as Dr. Hill while failing to actually take home any of them. We're going to have to put him on a suicide watch if it happens again with the revival, so I'm proposing that the Los Angeles theatre community initiate a new honor called the Jesse Merlin Award given to the best performance by Jesse Merlin over the previous calendar year. The recipient would receive a bronze bust of Jesse Merlin on which was inscribed with previous winners of the award: Jesse Merlin in U.S.S. Pinafore, Jesse Merlin in The Beastly Bombing, Jesse Merlin in Exorcistic; dating all the way back to the very first winner, Jesse Merlin in his high school production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It could be argued that the award will be of limited interest with such a narrow range of possible recipients but if it keeps Mr. Merlin from bitching about how he never wins anything, it will have contributed more to the tranquility of mankind than the Nobel Peace Prize.

My compadré Eddie Frierson, whose appearance on a 1985 episode of the TV quiz show Tic Tac Dough was recently posted on YouTube. Mr. Frierson was the returning champion, having won $4,900 in previous matches, making the polyester suit and clip-on tie purchased from the Sears outlet store that he wears at the panel something of a mystery. But his enemies who posted the video chose to immortalize him in defeat, choosing an episode in which he was handed his ass by a "body surfer"named Ted Scott ( a man who looked like a CHP officer or perhaps an extra from Boogie Nights). Mr. Frierson's Waterloo was a question about Pablo Picasso but he was gracious in defeat, exclaiming "All right!"and shaking his opponent's hand when Mr. Scott correctly answered it. I was surprised that he lost on an artistic question about the great surrealist painter, since the ape-like grin Mr. Frierson sports throughout the contest looks like one of the faces immortalized in Guernica. Perhaps Mr. Scott would have been stumped by a question about a 1973 edition of Playgirl.

A gay buddy of mine, who informed me of a research statistic that 99% of all men have had a gay experience at one time of another. There are approximately 3.5 billion men in the world, which means that only 350 million of us have never had a wang penetrate any part of our bodies. That's according to my pal's researchers in any case; who he was unwilling to name nor to explain how this research was conducted. Having never enjoyed a gay experience myself (sadly, I have only a small amount of heterosexual experiences to my credit), that 99% figure sounds astoundingly high to my ears (which, to date, have never had a penis inserted into them no matter what the demography asserts). But this is the era of the Internet, when unsubstantiated statistics run rampant through cyberspace so I have no way of attesting to the accuracy or inaccuracy of the numbers. I will say this, though: if it's true, I never want to read the research journal that the statistics were published in. Its pages have got to be awfully sticky.

Enemies List favorite Mara Marini, who requested that I make one of my delightful Facebook illustrations parodying the 1970s TV sitcom Three's Company. I normally don't take requests when creating my timeless art and I have never so much have seen an episode of Three's Company, but when Ms. Marini tells me to do something I obediently slip into my gimp costume and get to work. The image recreates what I assume is a typical Three's Company scenario where Jack (played by myself) is taking a shower when Chrissy (Ms. Marini) and Janet (my beloved pug Winston subbing for Joyce DeWitt) accidentally walk in on him to give each other bikini waxes just as the nosey landlord Mr. Roper (essayed by my duck-faced associate Tom Ashworth) butts in and assumes the innocent situation is anything but. The premise of the show (as I understood it to be from a cursory glance at Wikipedia) was that Mr. Roper tolerated the shenanigans because the roommates had convinced him that Jack was gay. I wasn't completely satisfied with the illustration so I'd like Ms. Marini to join me in my bathroom so that we can snap a few Polaroids that I can use to make some corrections. She needn't worry about being naked in front of me because I have statistical evidence that 99% of all men have had a gay experience so the odds are overwhelming that I'm not going to be interested in her. Now I just have to convince my landlord of that.