Doing John Adams in the Behind

Tom Ashworth. I opened last night in Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Fathers, a comedy that Mr. Ashworth directed as part of the Eclect-a-Fest series of one-act plays which contains a memorable scene of Thomas Jefferson (played by your humble correspondent) sexually relieving himself in the anal cavity of John Adams (essayed by Kerr Lordygan). It is ironic that I was the one asked to act out that graphic bit of business since Mr. Ashworth has been figuratively violating my rectum throughout the entire rehearsal process; mainly by asking me to perform so many perversions that if they had actually taken place during the writing of the Declaration of Independence, this country would have a hell of a lot more fathers than George Washington. Much to my relief, the audience devoured Ms. Ashworth's disturbing handiwork like James Madison choking down one of his wife Dolly's delicious pies and I found myself in the unaccustomed position of being cheered for performing debaucheries that usually result in my spending the night in county lockup. After it was all over, Mr. Ashworth blamed the sickness that had been unfolding onstage on me by posting on his Facebook wall "Jon's insanity has taken over the entire evening like a cancer...a very funny cancer but still..." But believe me; after fucking the second president of the United States in the ass, cancer wasn't the disease that I was worried about.Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Father plays Thursdays and Saturdays at 8:00 and runs until September 6th. Tickets can be ordered here.

Amy Ball. I continued to revise the storyline for my fictional Professor Morlock series of horror movies and got so excited about a plot twist that had been revealed at the end of one that I created a poster for a follow-up: Professor Morlock: Armageddon. The story depicts the insane Professor Morlock (as personified by Jonny Award winner Jesse Merlin) forging an impossible alliance with his longtime nemesis Amanda Globe (Ms. Ball) after he discloses that he was actually sent to earth as her guardian from the savage interplanetary warlord Wog the Destroyer (let me know if this gets too intellectual for you). So unlikely was the idea of Morlock and Ms. Globe teaming up prior to this point in the saga that the tagline for the poster read "Hell freezes over on the 4th of July." Alas, when Ms. Ball's minions got a gander of the poster, they could only think of another hot spot; namely, the Sahara Desert since a trick of one of the Photoshop filters I used made it appear to them as if she was sporting unsightly "camel toe" in her form-fitting latex bodysuit. It had never occurred to me that was the effect a little accidental shadowing had created and when it was pointed out to me, I immediately cleaned it up from the image on the Professor Morlock website. Amanda Globe is supposed to save the world in the movie and any savage interplanetary warlord who saw Ms. Ball's cooch approaching him from a distance would launch his nuclear arsenal before it got anywhere near him.

Speaking of Professor Morlock; Jonny Award-winner Jesse Merlin, who personifies the title character. I continued the delightful back story of the fictional horror franchise by calling on Mr. Merlin's fondness of the musical stylings of Yoko Ono in crapping out the faux album cover on the left and captioning it "A happy residual of the success of the rebooted Professor Morlock franchise was the ascent of Jesse Merlin's recording career. His biggest selling album was 'Double Nightmare,' done in tandem with his close friend Yoko Ono, which contained the number one hits 'Oh Moon, To Thee I Sing' performed by Merlin and'Two Cats Fucking' by Ono. The latter was actually just a literal recording of two cats fucking in an alley behind the recording studio that somehow found its way onto the album but since no one could tell the difference between Ono's singing voice and the fucking cats, it stayed on the final cut. The album received a Grammy Award for Best Recording By a Duo In Which One Has a Whole Lot of Talent and One Doesn't Have Any at All." It got the expected polite cyber-applause from Mr. Merlin's army of hangers-on who saw his name tagged on their Facebook newsfeed and wanted to suck up to him in anticipation of his achieving superstardom from his signature work in horror movie musicalizations and Gilbert & Sullivan revivals. When he does inevitably hit the big time, let's just hope that a Japanese performance artist doesn't get her hooks in him. They have a history of really fucking up a good thing.

BroDavid. Another online exercise I've been amusing myself with is posting photos on the social network that depict my beloved pug Winston and me with notable celebrities from the past and present on their birthdays, with such notables as Ernest Hemingway, Mick Jagger and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis being pictured with us on their special day. Tuesday was a particular treat since that was the birthday of one of my all-time favorite actors, Thin Man star William Powell. So I found a picture of Mr. Powell with his movie wife Myrna Loy and his movie dog Asta and replaced them with myself in Ms. Loy's place (wearing the same immaculate white tie as Mr. Powell) and Winston in Asta's. It hadn't been on Facebook for two minutes when David piped in "Aww, you should have Photoshopped your head onto Myrna Loy's body. Then Winston could have been Asta." I thought it was pretty obvious who Winston was supposed to represent in the photo but David has been diagnosed by doctors as "a little slow" due to a series of childhood blows to the head, so I created this special image just for him of my classic face atop the sultry body of Ms. Loy. I hope it helped David get the joke but I'm glad Mr. Powell didn't live to see what became of Nora Charles. Considering all the dry martinis he sucked down while playing the role of the debonair amateur sleuth, he might still be throwing up.

Somebody's daughter
My nemesis Misty LaRue. I recently blew a gasket because my followers on Facebook tried to suck up to me by exploiting my love of my beloved pug Winston by posting countless images and videos of other generic pugs who aren't Winston, all of which I'd seen before and some of which had been posted to my wall what seems like thousands of times. I finally got so sick of seeing strange pugs on my wall so I pulled the plug on allowing anyone to post to it, and in doing so was immediately branded as an A-hole by my so-called buddies on the social network led by the always-opinionated Ms. LaRue. In retaliation, I posted the image on the left of a young woman neither of us knows on her wall and captioned it "Since I know how much you adore your daughter Misty, Jr., I figured you'd love to have tons of photos of daughters on your wall like this one. I'll be sure to post it here again several times this months because if you have a strong feeling for your daughter, that obviously means that you want to be inundated with pictures of all of them." My life lesson was not well-received and all it did was prompt Ms. LaRue to once again call me an A-hole. Her strategy to cut me down to size backfired though because she had already posted that on my Facebook wall what seems like thousands of times, so it had lost any effect. When you're handing out "assholes," you need to be as specific as possible in order to hit your mark. Just ask John Adams.