Playing with Washington's Nipple

Eclect-a-Fest, a series of one-act plays performing at the Eclectic Company Theater in which I am the main attraction, starring as a bisexual Thomas Jefferson in the featured event of the evening, Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Fathers. The three-actor play (in which I am supported by Kerr Lordygan as John Adams and Paul Messinger as George Washington) depicts some hitherto unknown details about the writing of the Declaration of Independence. To give you an idea of what director Tom Ashworth is wasting my epic talents on, during a break in the rehearsal I found myself writing the following stage direction in my script: "Play with Washington's nipple." I have been acting, off and on, for about forty years now but until I hooked up with Ashworth & Company, I never expected to find myself writing the stage direction "Play with Washington's nipple," least of all when the nipple is attached to Mr. Messinger (a former Olympic swimmer whose nipples have gone through so much plumpage and shrinkage from getting in and out of swimming pools that they can stand just about anything.) Performances are July 31 through September 7 on Thursdays and Saturdays at 8:00. At least that's when Three Really Offensive Scenes about the Founding Fathers plays; there are other one-acts being performed on Fridays and Sundays. I can't vouch for those shows because I haven't seen them yet and I don't know which historical figures are having their nipples played with.More about Eclect-a-Fest can be found here.

Robin Greenspan. I finally overcame my obsession with creating movie posters and scenes images of the fictional Professor Morlock horror film series and finished with a bang, making images of plastic model kits of series characters Amanda Globe (Amy Ball), Janet Lawton (Mara Marini) and the sexy zombie Priscilla (Ms. Greenspan). The most popular model was Priscilla, I suspect because the box depicted the character naked as a jaybird (an undead jaybird, anyway) whereas the other characters were demurely clothed in proper science fiction attire that showed just enough skin to get a PG-13 rating). Ms. Greenspan was so girlishly nonplussed at the site of her head digitally placed atop a painting of a naked green woman that she exclaimed "OMG I'm blushing!!" But her life partner Lacie had a different view and instructed Ms. Greenspan to ""Print it! We're framing that!!!" Despite the affront to her maiden-like modesty, she dutifully followed Lacie's instruction and now the picture of her as a buck naked emerald-colored zombie greets her as she enters her living room. It's not easy being green.The entire Professor Morlock saga including posters, scenes from the movies and merchandise can be found at (Yes, I bought the web domain Don't judge me; I've lived a sad and lonely life).

Enemies List favorite Mara Marini. Wednesday was Fresh Spinach Day in the United States and so I made one of my typically delightful illustrations of myself as Popeye holding the cruciferous vegetable of the day. This prompted one of my hangers-on to challenge me to find a beloved cartoon character associated with parsnips. A trip to my archives produced nothing but I don't like to come back empty-handed since the followers of this blog all have large hand gun collections. I therefore created a cartoon character superhero called Fabulous Girl whose arch enemy is an super genius named The Evil Bastard Parsnip, and since I am always looking for new ways to suck up to Ms. Marini, I cast her in the role of the root-battling heroine. To make it easy, I made myself the parsnip and simply had the storyline of the comic follow our real-life relationship. Fabulous Girl's super powers are a magnetic personality and stellar beauty which the parsnip will do anything to possess, so he pulls countless moronic stunts to try and get her attention all of which are repelled by her throwing an enchanted emoticon at him which stops him in his tracks because he realizes instantly that he'll never get any farther than that. At the end of every story, the parsnip crawls off to dies of a broken heart while Fabulous Girl regenerates her powers by curling up with a piece of beefsteak. It's is a timeless narrative that anyone who has ever crossed the threshold of a comic book store can relate to.

Erica Scott. Wednesday was officially Fresh Spinach Day so to comemorate it I cranked out an illustration that was kind of cute, with me as Popeye and my beloved pug Winston as Popeye's dog getting ready to chow down on some colon-healthy greenery. Ms. Scott is a proofreader by profession, which means that she gets paid to condescendingly point out other people's mistakes. So it was a matter of professional ethics that she felt compelled to respond "So if it's fresh spinach day, what's with the canned spinach?" There's nothing more enjoyable for me than doing something artistically creative simply for the fun of anyone who wants to take a peek at it and be immediately slapped down for making a minor miscue in my labors. But Ms. Scott made a fair point; the holiday is explicitly celebrates "fresh"spinach whereas the raspy-voiced mariner with the deformed forearms favors the preserved variety. To make it up to her, I'm going to propose that her birthday of September 22 be recognized as National Hemorrhoid Day. It seems the perfect time to recognize a throbbing pain in the ass.

My nemesis Misty LaRue. It was David Hasselhoff's birthday yesterday and to celebrate I made a delightful image of Mr. Hasselhoff, myself, and my friends Amy Ball, Mara Marini and Ms. LaRue standing out a beach together decked out in full Baywatch garb. Everyone was delighted with the illustration save Ms. LaRue, who yentaed "I'm very conflicted with this one... you've given me a thigh gap - something I have never had or could have (short, Slavic peasant legs)- on the other hand, I have no breasts...I think I'll opt to skip the gap and keep my breasts thankyouverymuch..." While I have always admired Ms. LaRue's rack from afar (it's one of her few positive qualities) I didn't give it much thought while I was making the picture; I just plopped her head on top of Alexandra Paul's admittedly lean frame for a giggle. But the rule is that anyone who is Photoshopped into a Jonny illustration gets a body they're happy with, so I've redone the image to give Ms. LaRue both the thigh gap she's always wanted and the massive boobs that allowed her to support herself through college by selling tittie fucks in the alley behind Seven-11. What God could have accomplished if only he had Photoshop.