The Return of Professor Morlock

I continued my obsession with the fictional Professor Morlock series of horror films by creating a catalogue of Morlock merchandising products, including trading cards, lunchboxes, and even a Professor Morlock board game. What annoys me about the merchandise is that that there are four principal characters in the Morlock series: the unspeakably evil professor (depicted by Jesse Merlin); ace investigative reporter Janet Lawton (as embodied by Enemies List favorite Mara Marini), a woman with a penchant for getting tied up in only her underwear; Amanda Globe (Amy Ball), a former nurse at the insane asylum that Morlock was confined to who was later enslaved by him and went on to develop super powers after living on an alien planet; and Jack Mannix (portrayed by myself), a no-nonsense cop who is Miss Lawton's love interest who serves as a dues ex machine by busting in on Morlock's nefarious schemes at the last minute and blows him back to hell.

What annoys me about all this is that while the Morlock crap depicting the professor, Janet Lawton, and Amanda Globe are all met with responses of "I wish that was real so I could get one,"the Jack Mannix memorabilia bearing my classic features is met with a resounding yawn. Even a Morlock set of trading cards that featured all the characters got more reaction from a Winston the Wonder Pug card that was included than the one of me as Mannix. But I am nobody's fool and I'm well aware of what you cretins are hungry for, so the next Morlock item that is being rolled out is a series of Morlock bobbleheads. Sex sells so while the other characters will be depicted in their iconic costumes, the Mannix bobblehead will be buck naked. It might put me at an unfair advantage, but when you're competing against a thousand year-old mad scientist who rises from hell on a regular basis, you need all the help you can get. The complete catalogue of Professor Morlock merchandising product can be seen here.

Stephanie Fredricks in the wedding
night sequence of “The Bride of Professor Morlock”
Speaking of sex selling, Stephanie Fredricks. In addition to the Morlock merchandising efforts, I also started posting pictures of scenes from the films. The most popular one by far depicted Ms. Fredricks in the titular role of The Bride of Professor Morlock at the beginning of a wedding night sequence that was described as so sexually explicit that "over six full minutes had to be cut out for the film to receive an R rating in the United States, although the full unedited version is available on the Taiwanese DVD." The other scenes from the series were met with a disinterested yawn from you people, but the idea of the nubile young Ms. Fredricks - regarded up to now as forbidden jailbait - shedding her gauzy lingerie and going to town on Mr. Merlin's rock hard abs (among other things) was too much for you to bear. So I'm going to start posting even more sexually graphic scenes from Morlock movies to wake you people up. I have no doubt that the sight of Winston the Wonder Pug humping Jack Mannix' leg will get this thing to go viral.

The increasingly annoying Amara Christian who, in addition to her work as a dance teacher and ballerina, is involved with Game Day Marketing for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Ms. Christian advised her followers on the social network that a "great way to determine you're out of shape: sprint all the way to center field in front of the entire Dodgers team to rescue a stray child taking selfies with Andre Ethier." As a professional sloth, I can assure Ms. Baptist that having the ability to sprint anywhere on a major league baseball diamond, much less when you are doing it as a break from your day job performing arabesques, is a rank amateur's way to determine if you're out of shape. Once you've reached my level of fitness, a great way to determine if you're out of shape is to decide that you'd like a beer while watching the Dodger game on your TV, rethink it on the way to the fridge and need to lie down for a while before making it to the kitchen. When Ms. Christian has reached my station in life, she'll know what I mean.

Tom Ashworth, who is directing me as Thomas Jefferson in the play Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Father which open at the Eclectic Company Theater on July 31st. I do my best to try and tune Mr. Ashworth out during rehearsals but occasionally his babbling pierces the sound of my iPhone headphones and he receives my momentary attention. His most recent ploy to try and charm me into taking some rudimentary interest in his interpretation of the play is for him to call me a "genius" for my tendency of tacking sexually suggestive business on top of my dialogue to help me stay awake for the fifteen minutes or so that the one-act play is running. To clarify the definition of the word for Mr. Ashworth, Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Thomas Edison were geniuses. A guy with a fondness for masturbation jokes is something else altogether. On the other hand, my love of raunchy humor has allowed me to tolerate Mr. Ashworth for stretches of up to fifteen minutes at a time, which I believe is a first in the history of mankind. Maybe I am a genius.