Professor Morlock

Professor Morlock. I wasted my entire weekend creating a collection of movie posters depicting the rise and fall of a series of horror flicks that told the story of a thousand year old insane scientist who had a penchant for transplanting the brains of gorillas into sexy young women and who ended every film being killed and sent back to hell. Depending on the entry's budget, he was pursued by ace investigative reporter Janet Lawton (played by superstar Mara Marini, whose monumental salary and costly entourage meant that she only appeared in the most expensive movies), who was always suffering being tied up while wearing lingerie and for a couple of the movies was the victim of a nymphomaniac curse that forced her to perform unimaginable sexual perversions on her love interest, no-nonsense cop Jack Mannix (portrayed by myself, thank God). Morlock's perpetual victim was former insane asylum nurse Amanda Globe (played by Amy Ball), who turned the table on the professor during the course of the movies when she traveled to a foreign planet and acquired super powers which allowed her to return to earth and do battle with her tormentor. The other recurring character was Morlock's evil henchman Ruprecht , who was usually played by Tom Ashworth (who, because of a scandal over his addiction to reefer that derailed his career, was willing to work for a boxed lunch and deferred pay), although as the budget were raised in later entries they got better people than Ashworth like veteran character actors Steve Peterson and Robert DeNiro, or most desirably (in the case of Professor Morlock's Daughter) nobody at all.

Holding it all together was Jesse Merlin as the villainous and supernatural Professor Morlock, the only actor to appear in all eight films (although his appearance in Professor Morlock's Ghost was edited together from archival footage and outtakes from past entries after he refused to be in any more) who loathed the role because he considered it hack work and he couldn't stand the other actors, especially me. Much like the victims of Morlock's paranormal spells, I became obsessed with making these idiotic posters and for a few days could focus on nothing else. I created intricate back stories for each film and actor because I found their realities much more compelling than the one I am living in. I'm not sure why, because all of the characters biographies are based in fact: Ms. Marini really is an erotically white hot megastar, Ms. Ball really does have super powers, Mr. Merlin really can't stand me, and Mr. Ashworth usually does work for a boxed lunch and deferred pay when he can get it. In fact, the only major difference I can find between the world of Professor Morlock and mine is that Ms. Marini has never performed a single unimaginable sexual perversion on me. But I go to the movies to get away from reality.The entire Professor Morlock saga can be seen here.

Erstwhile Professor Morlock Jesse Merlin, who proudly disclosed to me that he is a direct descendent Benedict Arnold, a man whose name has become synonymous with "betrayer" in the American lexicon. I found that appropriate, since Mr. Merlin betrays me on a regular basis. But it's all relative, since while General Arnold is considered a traitor in this country, he is regarded as a hero in England and was made a general in the Royal Army after fucking over the colonies. So it is with Mr. Merlin, whom I consider a traitor after he has metaphorically ass-raped me on more occasions than I can name yet who is thought of as a champion by my enemies for those same actions. What's more, his descendant's namesake breakfast Eggs Benedict is an English muffin topped with ham, poached eggs, and Hollandaise sauce. Mr. Merlin himself is primarily made up of ham surrounded by puss-like goo and plopped on top of a bunch of craggy carbohydrates. We don't need a DNA test to rest assured that Mr. Merlin's story checks out.

My gal pals Stephanie Fredricks, Amy Ball, Mara Marini and Robin Greenspan, who I featured in yet another Photoshop set titled Hot Chicks with Winston in which I created illustrations of each of those young ladies in a cheesecake pose with my beloved pug Winston. Everyone oohed and aahed over how adorable each image was, and it occurred to me only afterwards that it was entirely because of the presence of Winston. It the set had been called Hot Chicks with Jonny, it would have been an entirely different matter. For instance, when Ms. Greenspan saw her installment (which rendered her radiant face over an image of a pin-up delightfully holding Winston in the air) she exclaimed "I'm not sure what thrills me more, the hot body or getting to hold Winston."The truth is that Ms. Greenspan's figure is no less ravishing than the model in the picture but if I had depicted myself as the object of her glee, her next move would have been to contact the police. If I had been in Ms. Marini's, I would have had to have made the picture 10,000 pixels wide to comply with her restraining order against me. If I had been in Ms. Ball's (which was an armed forces recruitment poster in which she is depicted as riding a nuclear missile and Winston was Uncle Sam), she would have had me drummed out of the service as a slacker. And you see from Ms. Fredricks' image that it looks like I'm about to do something that would get me two to five years in a Mississippi prison. It's a good thing Winston is around to class me up.

Paul Messinger, Kerr Ludygan and Tom Ashworth, who play George Washington, John Adams and serve as director of the upcoming stage production Three Really Offensive Scenes About the Founding Fathers in which I star as Thomas Jefferson. With today being America's Independence Day, I like to observe the days that lead up to it by creating delightful illustrations of the flotsam and jetsam with whom I interact on the social network acting out great moments from the American Revolution. Regrettably, that compelled me to include the two nimrods who support me in the play in character, with Mr. Ashworth (with whom I am forced to suck up to after publicly humiliating him in the Professor Morlock saga) as co-founding father Benjamin Franklin. I think I make a statesmanlike Thomas Jefferson but if those guys were to have taken the place of their illustrious predecessors, today we would be celebrating America's place as the last remaining collection of colonies in the British Empire. Mr. Messinger was most prominently featured in the illustrations as George Washington, including this image of the father of our country crossing the Delaware in a boat rowed by the most annoying people in the history of America; namely, the most frequently listed individuals on these pages. If the general had looked around him and saw the class of people in ensuing generations that he was fighting the revolution for, he would have concluded that we were sunk.