A New Deputy in Town

The Eclectic Company Theater, which is producing Eclect-a-Fest in August, an evening of one-act plays in which I am appearing. A requirement of engaging members of the Actors Equity Association (the professional stage actors' union of which I am a member) to appear for you is that union members of the cast have to select an Equity Deputy who monitors the production for shenanigans not sanctioned by the AEA contract. The Eclectic Company Theater is a top-flight organization so it's unlikely that the Deputy will be asked to intervene in any complaints against them, which means that the union's duly-appointed representative will only have to concern himself with the occasional trouble-maker in the cast who loiters around the women's dressing room with his iPhone camera or harasses the men in the company with tall tales of his sexual exploits with hotties like Scarlett Johansson and Anjelyne. The problem is that through some horrible administrative mistake, I was elected the Equity Deputy. And since all of the complaints submitted to the Equity Deputy on every production I've ever appeared in are about me, there might be just a hint of conflict of interest going on. Nonetheless, I vow to be fair-minded about any complaint about me that the cast comes to me with, and I promise to respond to it in swift fashion. They can find me camped out in the women's dressing room with my iPhone camera.

Jesse Merlin in Fetish Factory
Jonny Award winner Jesse Merlin, who sent me a link to a blooper reel of a movie he stars in called Fetish Factory. I was unable to glean much of the story from the gag reel but the film's IMDb page explains that Mr. Merlin plays a character named Lipstick in a laugh-inducing tale set in post-apocalyptic Hollywood which pits pin-up vixens against bloodthirsty zombies. I wish the producers had come to me for story advice before filming because having lived near Hollywood for my entire life, I could have assured them that there is little damage that could be done to the place post-apocalypse that would make it any less livable than it currently is pre-apocalypse. And as for pin-up vixens battling it out with bloodthirsty zombies, that's a confrontation that's already been witnessed by everyone who's gone to a Hollywood party attended by any female members of the Screen Actors Guild and any would-be producers of projects like Fetish Factory. What sets this film apart, however, is the superstar presence of Jesse Merlin who brings to the role of Lipstick his trademark blisteringly funny creepy lecherousness that he's infused in characters ranging from Mephistopheles in Faust to the crazed German guy in The Heino Happy Hour Comeback Special. The difference here is that Fetish Factory has lots of hot chicks in scanty costumes, which is the only thing I go to the movies for and the only thing that could make me stomach another glimpse of Mr. Merlin. Trust me, that's post-apocalyptic.

Jeebus Burbano, who posted an online article about a man who stuck his girlfriend's pink pistol in the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the penis. The police say it's possible that the man could faces weapons or endangerment charges, but it seems to me that anybody who shoots himself in the penis has suffered enough. Add to that the indignity of shooting himself in the penis with a girly pink pistol and I'd say he's learned his lesson and is no longer a threat to society. We should all just be thankful that it wasn't a lot worse. If the trajectory had been just a couple of inches lower, he might have shot himself in the testicles. Although upon reflection, that might not be such a bad thing. Idiots like that probably shouldn't be allowed to pass their genetic lunacy to future generations. Maybe if they shot off the gun nuts out of their scrotum sacks, there might be less gun nuts for us to have to put up with.

Bro Joe, who disclosed that the people living in the house adjacent to his had acquired a new pet pig. When I saw a photo of the animal, I was somewhat alarmed; not at the sight of the pig itself, because it looked more or less what I would expect a pig to look like - until I realized that the boor has a bio-mass and body frame that is equivalent to my beloved Pug Winston. That means that either this is an unusually health conscious pig who works out and favors leafy salads, or that Winston is a big fat sow who sits on his ass all day eating anything that is left within inches of his greedy mouth. Like any Daddy, I refuse to see any shortcomings in my baby so I have determined that Winston's doppelganger is on a low-carb diet to be able to maintain his Winston-like frame. The only question remaining is where did the neighbors find a gym that would cater to pigs. A physique like that doesn't just happen by itself.

Speaking of pets, Enemies List favorite Mara Marini, who gave her fans a scare when she announced that her diminutive Chihuahua Monroe was suffering some heart problems and had to be rushed to a cardiologist. Monroe pulled through with flying colors and will be blocking the view of my high-powered binoculars as I try to sneak a peek in his Mommy's bathroom window for years to come. To celebrate the little bitch's recovery (hold your letters: Monroe is a female dog), I created this faux Vogue magazine cover depicting Ms. Marini, myself, my beloved Pug Winston and the now über-healthy Monroe as "Tinsel Town's New Power Foursome."It proved to be a far more difficult project than I had anticipated, especially as Monroe was not at all cooperative when she was being dolled up prior to the shoot. In fact, the dog's waxer told me afterwards that it was the most difficult Brazilian that she had ever given to anyone. Apparently, the phrase "Mexican Hairless"really is a misnomer.