“Jonny's Enemies' Clits”

Enemies List favorite Mara Marini, who appeared last night on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation. Ms. Marini gave her usual delightful performance in her recurring role as porn star Brandi Maxxxx in an episode in which Ms. Maxxxx stars in a porn movie depicting a triumph of series star Amy Poehler. In fact, the episode was so delightful that it carried into my R.E.M. sleep, in which I dreamt that Ms. Maxxxx (and I want to repeat that for the record for any pain-in-the-ass lawyers who study these pages in defense of any restraining orders against me that it was Brandi Maxxxx in my dream and not Ms. Marini) was starring in a porno version of my own storied life, titled (with the usual taste displayed in such projects) Jonny's Enemies' Clits.

The film is headlined by adult film legend Ron Jeremy as online pundit and man-about-town Jonny M., who wants nothing more than to win the hand of Ms. Marini (played by Ms. Maxxxx). Whenever Mr. Jeremy (a.k.a. Jonny) makes an effort to achieve his desires, there is inevitably some misunderstanding (played out in the inimitably subtle and hilarious Ron Jeremy fashion) that lands him in front of a stern police officer, judge or social worker which results in a sadistic yet hot S&M scene in which the ever-expanding restraining order is inserted up Mr. Jeremy's ever-throbbing rectum. Unusually for a porn film, there is no sex depicted (although for the sake of dramatic accuracy there are a number of scenarios where Mr. Jeremy is shown glumly masturbating to Internet porn ) until the grand finale when Jonny makes a pizza delivery to an apartment that turns out to be the home of his idol Ms. Marini (played by Ms. Maxxxx with startling accuracy). She has just stepped out of the shower and therefore has no money to pay for the pizza but she's really hungry so she slips off her towel and begins rubbing a rough, wet sponge across Mr. Jeremy's cheeks and forehead. This sponge seemed to be a confusing plot twist until just then I was woken up by my beloved Pug Winston licking my face. Fortunately, I DVR'd the Parks and Recreation episode so I'm going to watch it again before I fall asleep after I've covered my junk with Alpo . It will mean my walking with a limp for a few days but at least I'll get the happy ending I've longed for.

Level-headed superstar Charlie Sheen, who ranted on Twitter that his followers deliver "a rotted egg, a roll of toilet paper or some dog shit" with "extreme prejudice" to the school his daughter once attended after an alleged incident in which Mr. Sheen claims that she was bullied. Mr. Sheen pulled his daughter out of the school in May of last year but inexplicably waited until yesterday to tweet about the murky accusation, to which the school has only responded that they took appropriate action to at the time. I'm all for fathers standing up for their children but, as a man with an unlimited supply of dog shit at my disposal, I know exactly how potent a weapon it is and should only be used in retaliation to nuclear weapons. I have no idea what indignities his daughter did or didn't suffer under the school's watch (even after reading his tweet en toto, in which he gives no sufficient explanation of why we should incite violence against it), but I might suggest to him that it doesn't send his little girl a message that will prove terribly workable later in her life that the best way to respond to such behavior is to make "a legitimate call to arms"to have animal waste delivered to the institution where the behavior took place. Think of the poor administrator whose job it is to open the mail at the school, only to encounter a box of dog shit. She just might consider Mr. Sheen to be a bully for inciting that kind of behavior, and she might just be right.

BroJoe, who took a business trip this week and described how he charmed a female airport security agent thusly:

Joe: You have a beautiful smile.
Agent: Are you trying to get bumped up to first class?
Joe: Do you have that ability?
Agent: Unfortunately, no.
Joe: In that case, I was being sincere.
Agent: I knew why I liked you. We have the same birthday. March 30.
Joe: Two Aries. Two fire signs.
Agent: It could be interesting.
Joe: Don't fall in love with me. Please. I don't want to hurt you.
Agent: I think we'll need to pull you out for the "special" inspection.

The thing is, I have seen Joe in action and the thing he inevitably omits from his retelling of the story is that he has just completed a session of binge drinking at the airport bar and is convinced that he is much more charming than anyone around him considers him to be. The alcohol also jiggers the responses that enter his eardrums as significantly different information when they are processed by his brain. I suspect that any innocent bystander would have reported the incident to have taken place more like this:

Joe: You have a beautiful smile.
Agent: Are you trying to get punched in the face?
Joe: Do you have that ability?
Agent: Unfortunately, not without getting fired.
Joe: In that case, I was being sincere.
Agent: I knew why I disliked you. We have the same birthday, March 30. But you were born thirty years before me. Shouldn't a man of your age behave with some dignity?
Joe: Two Aries. Two fire signs.
Agent: If you give me one more reason to have my colleagues perform a cavity search, this could be interesting.
Joe: Don't fall in love with me. Please. I don't want to hurt you.
Agent: I think we'll need to pull you out for the "special" inspection.

It all works out well in the end as Joe wakes up on his flight a half hour later, remembering the interaction the way he wants to and assuming the throbbing pain in his rectum to be the result of some kinky sexual byplay that took place in an airport restroom stall and not from a brutal strip search at the hands of a burly male security guard. Granted, he won't have learned his lesson; but he'll have a treasured memory that he can retreat into the next time that he's getting beaten up for being "charming."

My mono-ped buddy Kiki Wistone, who I've featured on several Jonny comic book which have been so amusing to the readers of these pages over the last few weeks. Ms. Wistone even went so far as to make one of my delightful caricatures as her Facebook profile photo even though she complained that I gave her cross-eyes. This is nothing new since I have never known Ms. Wistone to see any photograph, illustration, etching, doodle or scrawl which vaguely depicts her physical likeness without registering a complaint about it. This is common for a yenta of her standing; they like to complain about virtually anything, and if they can make their complaints target some poor sap who they feel hasn't sufficiently acknowledged their hotness and superiority, their mission on this earth is complete. So I've decided to include Ms. Wistone on more Jonny covers in the future. True, it will lead to my misery as a result, but that's the only thing that will make her happy.

Jonny Comics' Dan E. Campbell and Archie Comics' Mr. Weatherbee.
A double agent?

My longtime nemesis Dan E. Campbell, who had been hounding me to feature him on Jonny cover. When I finally gave into the demand, I was surprised how easy it was to create a caricature of Mr. Campbell by making a few minor adjustments to the character of Mr. Weatherbee from the Archie Comics which I am parodying. I thought little of it until the next issue, which depicted the gang from Riverdale coming over to the universe of Jonny Comics to beat Jonny to a pulp for ripping them off. It was then I realized that Mr. Campbell actually is Mr. Weatherbee and he duped me into allowing him to serve as a bridge between the universes of Archie and Jonny so that those characters could come into my world and take vengeance against me. The plot worked, but Mr. Campbell/Weatherbee will soon be reminded of that old Klingon proverb that revenge is a dish best served cold when he is depicted on the next Jonny cover in which he has drawn a caricature of some desperate yenta that she finds unflattering. If he thinks the punishment that the Archie gang dished out to me was bad, he ain't seen nothing yet.