Jonny's Top 10 Enemies of 2020
I keep hearing everyone complain what a disaster the year 2020 was but in all honesty, it may have been the greatest year of my life. Because the Covid-19 pandemic forced us to lock ourselves in our houses or personal Armegeddon Bunkers (if you had the foresight to plan ahead like I did), I wasn't forced to interact with you bastards nearly as much as I did in years past. In short, my life was relatively asshole-free to the point where I was even thinking of giving this stupid list a pass this year. Alas, there was still Social Media and news outlets to keep me aware of what you were up to and when I did get up to speed, it was clear that 2020 was a nonstop catastrophe unmatched by any year in living memory. So I'm letting you know how annoying you all were as a public service. I only hope that you appreciate it (although I know you don't; hence, this stupid list).
At about this time, you're probably asking yourself who I've taken to task since I made that original list in 2009. The complete selections can be found here:
But that's in the past. Today we're talking about the pain in the ass that was 2020, and there no bigger hemmorhoids than these 10 Bozos.
Donald J. Trump has always hovered near the top of my top 10 irritants for the last three years. He slipped to number 10 this year not because he was any less annoying (his brilliant suggestion for people to drink bleach to protect themselves from Covid-19 earned him a spot by itself) but the mere fact that he got his ass handed to him in the election (regardless of his childish whining on Twitter) and I won't have him in my face anymore after January is enough to drop him to the bottom. I don't need to run down the orange prick's qualifications for making the list to any of you; he's been a Hall of Fame jackass since January 1st and I don't think a day has passed this year when he didn't get under my skin in one buffoonish way or another. I just thank almighty Christ that the nightmare is over after this year and I won't have to waste a valuable slot on him anymore unless he pulls some nonsense in 2021 like having Rudy Giuliani lead his private SS in an attempted coup against the Biden administration. It sounds far-fetch I know but with this moron, you can never tell.
Internet yenta Lisa Glass makes her first appearance on the list since 2017. Because of the Covid lockdwn, I've been able to hide under my bed for most of the year and been blissfully unaware of what most of you are up to. But Ms. Glass has maintained such a strong presence on Twitter that I find it impossible to avoid having her cyber-scream her Libtard rantings into my smartphone. And the thing that really annoys me is that I agree with her most of the time and the times I don't, it's because the points she's making are too intelligent and articulate for me to wrap my Neanderthal head around. So it's clear that we have a problem here and the source of that problem is obviously Ms. Glass because the whole point of this list is to make you people change and not for me to confront any so-called shortcomings that might lead to my self-improvement. So my advice to Ms. Glass is to get her yammering mouth off of Twitter and onto JDate or some other app where she'll find a man who will put up with her nagging. If such a dude exists, I mean. Maybe Chuck Schumer is looking for a hookup.
Bro Joe, who returns to this list after a year's absence and with all the crap he's pulled, I'm amazed that I gave him a pass for that long. While the rest of us were happily locked away in our Covid shelters bingeing on Tiger King and sleeping on piles of stockpiled CostCo toilet paper, Joe was out performing his usual Junior Ranger heroics of climbing on desolate rocks and hiking vast desserts. In other words, the bastard does for fun what the rest of us will be forced to do when the earth's core temperature rises another ten degress, which by my estimate should happen around mid-March. I accept that I'll be sucking up to Joe as my overlord by then like Gollum, the colorful hero The Lord of the Ring's, but I was hoping to avoid confronting my depressing destiny before that. But every time I see a picture of Joe on the Social Network where he's wearing a smug smile after conquering some lonely mountaintop, I bow to the screen and hiss "yes, Master" just to get myself ready for the inevitable.
David Pinion, who was my number 1 enemy last year but managed to slip to the 7 spot in 2020. Don't get me wrong, Pinion wasn't any less annoying in 2020 than he was in 2019 but with the lockdown being in affect, he wasn't in my face quite as much this year. Alas, I was hoodwinked into taking part in some cyber get-togethers via Zoom because it was suggested that screaming my reactionary political opinions at my pug Boris as my only interaction with another living creature was somehow bad for my mental health. Unfortunately, it turned out that Pinion was also on most of those get-togethers, which was even worse for my sanity. I only pray that we can get back to some sort of normalcy in 2021 and that I won't need to rely on my computer for social interaction and can instead put up with Mr. Pinion face to face. It may not be any less irritating but at least I'll avoid the trauma of seeing his dopey mug on the same screen that I watch my adored Internet porn on. That's what's been really saving my mental health.
My beloved pug Boris, who I've spent 99% of my time with since the lockdown started. Being cooped up hasn't been all bad. One of my biggest accomplishments was creating a website devoted to the pulp fiction covers I make for novels penned by the mysterious Hack Werker. Of course, I also post those covers on Facebook and Instagram where they get a smattering of appreciative "likes" from my fans. But those images which I toil on for hours don't get anywhere near the enthusiastic response given to any given out-of-focus, poorly-lit photo that I post of Boris. He doesn't even have to be doing anything; a snapchat of him staring in confusion in the general direction of the camera is apt to get at least twice the number of "likes" as a Hack Werker cover that I spent an entire depressing morning on. And the Hack Werker covers only get that many likes because I have the smarts to plug Boris' image somewhere within it, no matter how nonsensical his presence is to the context. Those few covers that I omit Boris entirely are ignored by my followers entirely which doesn't make my life any easier since, like I said before, I spend 99% of my time with the little turd and when he wants his 127th treat of the day he just opens my Facebook page to show how many "likes" he's gotten to remind me who is the real star of the show.
Amy Ball, who makes her first appearance on this list since 2013. I was more than happy to have Ms. Ball existing quietly in the background in my life until she delivered the shocking news that she was with child and Amy Ball, Jr. would be introduced to the world this coming March. Lemme tell you, it's annoying enough to live in a world with one Amy Ball but the idea of inhabiting a planet with two of them caused me to do a spit-take while guzzling my morning bottle of YooHoo. It's not that Ms. Ball is all bad; she touched me deeply at Christmas by surprising me with a Boob Cup in tribute to my late associate Glenn T. "Piece of Shit" Simon. But she's annoying enough that the idea she's going to pass down her irritating personality in a dynasty that will aggravate me through the ages is enough for me to do another spit-take with my YooHoo whenever I think about it. Fortunately, I have a cool new Boob Cup to drink it with.
My friend Snow Mercy, who is the only first-time entry on the list this year. Ms. Mercy is a world-famous dominatrix and fetish model, which is not the reason she's on these pages by any stretch of the imagination because I think that's awesome. Truth be told, watching videos of her pummeling the naughty backside of some gorgeous misbehaving adult film star has often been the only thing that got me through the day during the pandemic. What annoys me about Ms. Mercy is that for all her renown as a no-nonsense disciplinarian and spankologist, she is actually a compassionate do-gooder who devotes her time and resources to humanitarian causes. Many is the time that she's made me feel inferior by reading one of her Facebook posts reporting that she's spending the morning working for some food bank or sleeping on the sidewalk to shine a spotlight on the plight of the homeless. And when the pandemic hit, she went to work providing Covid tests to needy citizens. Lemme tell you, that Snow Mercy doesn't jibe with the Snow Mercy I watch videos of appearing unannounced in porn star Veronica Weston's bedroom because Veronica's rich daddy has hired Ms. Mercy to spank her for being a brat at the expensive school he sends her to. Although I suppose I could reconcile the two if Ms. Mercy made a video where she spanks Veronica for being an anti-masker or for not taking the homeless dilemma seriously enough. Perhaps I'll suggest it to her producers.
Rosanna De Candia who rose from the number 8 slot in last year's list to number 3 this year. I became obsessed with Ms. De Candia in 2020, not only depicting her on most of my Hack Werker covers but also volunteering illustrations for her delightful Jersey Reads the Classics podcast. Unfortunately, Ms. De Candia announced that she will be taking a sabbatical from the podcast for undisclosed reasons, and I'm convinced that she's doing it because she got sick of my announcing every new episode with one of my delightful Photoshop illustrations depicting the two of us in an erotic embrace. My advice to Ms. De Candia is that if she has a problem with me and my so-called "perverted ways" (if you believe any of the file that the FBI keeps on me), she should man up and do what all her predecessors did and take out a restraining order against me. This business of simply walking away from the game isn't playing by the rules.
God, who returns to this list for the first time since 2017. It always surprises me when my readers register outrage over my blasphemy at including Jehovah (when I put him in the number 1 spot in 2015, they nearly burned me at the stake) but I stand by it. So much shit has gone down this year that I see no reason not to assign the Almighty his share of the responsibility. And if the so-called Evangelicals are going to call the fiasco that is Donald J. Trump an instrument of God, I see nothing wrong with my saying the same thing (even if we do mean the polar opposite of each other when we say it). The point is that somebody is to blame for the fucked up state of the planet and since we're all just pointing fingers at each other without getting any result, we might as well point our fingers skyward and chalk up the mess we've made for ourselves as just another part of God's plan. And after getting a good look at that plan for the last few thousand years, I think we might want to consider putting a different guy in the job. I wonder if Dr. Fauci is interested.
Glenn T. "Piece of Shit" Simon is the only person who was among my original top 10 enemies in 2009 who also made the list in 2020. He's appeared on these pages many times in the years since both as a solo entry and in groups like "The Lord's Brunch" and last year as "Megglen" with his wife Megan. But he gets the top spot this year for commiting the unpardonable sin of passing away on December 18th. I have known Mr. Simon for over thirty years and have a seemingly inexhaustable supply of stories about him (such as when I had to bribe a Tijuna cop not to arrest him for public urination or when he drove me to the dentist to have a wisdom tooth removed and when he was dragging my drugged-out self home, we passed a woman in the lobby whom I happily told "I just had my testicles removed!"). In short, he was one of the dearest friends I ever had and it will take the creation of another universe to replace him. I don't suppose that I'll ever be able to forgive Mr. Simon for checking out on us as early as he did but at the same time, I don't suppose that I'll ever be able to articulate my gratitude for the time we had with him. And if God doesn't want to chance being on this list again next year, he'd better get to work on creating a new universe right away.
And now we can close the door on this god-awful year with a clear conscience. If you're annoyed that you were included on this list, you have a whole 365 days to suck up to me to avoid a repeat in 2021. And if you're upset that you weren't listed, a brand new elegibility period starts tomorrow. Let's all hope that the bar for consideration is a lot lower next year.